From: Jim Webster Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien,alt.fan.tolkien Subject: Sports in Middle-earth: The Fell Races Date: Mon, 17 Jun 2002 22:03:44 +0000 Organization: MindSpring Enterprises Lines: 93 Message-ID: <3D0E5CBE.8D68F7E2@mindspring.com> Reply-To: jsibleywebster@mindspring.com NNTP-Posting-Host: a5.f7.c9.e6 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1; x-mac-type="54455854"; x-mac-creator="4D4F5353" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Server-Date: 18 Jun 2002 05:03:35 GMT X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.72 (Macintosh; I; PPC) X-Accept-Language: en Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news.imp.ch!news.imp.ch!newsfeed.vmunix.org!newsfeed.belnet.be!news.belnet.be!newsfeed.news2me.com!newsfeed2.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!newsfeed0.news.atl.earthlink.net!news.atl.earthlink.net!news.mindspring.net!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:89164 Editor's Note: The following excerpt is from a chapter in the forthcoming volume, "The Compleat Traveler's Guide to Middle-earth." This excerpt concerns Men; future excerpts will cover Fell beings, Hobbits, etc. The complete text of the chapter is available online at http://www.mindspring.com/~jsibleywebster/compleatguide/sports/. If you have personally witnessed any Middle-earth sporting events that are not included in this guide, or are at variance with the accounts herein, please let me know your thoughts. -- Jim Webster THE COMPLEAT TRAVELER'S GUIDE TO MIDDLE-EARTH: SPORTS THE FELL RACES TROLLS Trolls have yet to count past the number 1; neither do they grasp the concept of the number zero. Therefore all troll games end in a 1-1 tie. However, the idea of a tie eludes them, so they invariably stay up all night arguing as to whom the winner is. Thus when the sun rises it's too late, and they turn to stone. For this reason trolls tend to avoid sports, though occasionally a pair may succumb to the temptation of playing dodgeball with--need we say it?--the freshly-hewn head of an Orc. DRAGONS Being solitary sorts, dragons eschew team sports altogether. They will occasionally play a competitive game of Burn the Village with each other, however, with the winner getting the loser's hoard as spoils. As a booby prize, the loser is served the barbecued, freshly-hewn head of an Orc. BALROGS Balrogs do not engage in sports of any kind, but they do get into heated arguments over the relative merits of their favorite champions (of whom they are the Bane, of course). ORCS These much-maligned beings, whose sentient status is questioned by some, do not possess the social skills necessary to participate in anything approaching fair competition. The few times that Orcs have been allowed to play Orc Ball have proven disastrous; in one case the Orc Blorb, discovering that the ball was none other than the head of his hated cousin Blarch, went berserk and smashed the ball beyond recognition; in another case a roving band of Uruk-hai, incensed that they were not considered for the contest when one of Sauron's inferior breed was, attacked the crowd and caused considerable havoc. Since then Orcs have been allowed in as spectators only, save those who participate by having given their heads for the cause. But if properly contained inside Orc Spectator Pens, and thus isolated from the more civilized crowd, they do provide an opportunity for Orc Ball venues to make considerable money, for Orcs can easily be charged higher admission, and will invariably buy and consume great quantities of food and drink if they do not slaughter each other first (in which case the loss in food and drink revenue is at least partly offset by a fresh source of Orc Balls). A word of caution: if you do find yourself sitting next to an Orc at an Orc Ball game, do not remark on how your neighbor's face resembles the ball; your comment will invariably be misconstrued one way or another. While Orcs no longer participate in organized sports in Eriador or Gondor, there are rumors that in Mordor they do take part in cruel contests organized by the Dark Lord for the amusement of himself and the Nazgűl. That these feature unspeakably barbaric acts of hideous evil and soulless corruption need not be even be said; so horrible are these games that even the victors have been found in screes at the foot of higher cliffs in the Ephel Dúath, their bodies broken by suicidal falls, as they have taken the only way out to end the monstrous dreams engendered by the nightmarish ways they have achieved victory. Tourists, naturally, are discouraged from visiting Mordor with the intent of witnessing these games live; however, if you must, live pay-per-view Palantír broadcasts are available for the very wealthy and depraved. IN CONCLUSION As you can see, Middle-earth provides the prepared traveler excellent opportunities for viewing, and in some cases playing, sports. While occasionally dangerous, these games can provide first-hand the kind of thrills that can otherwise only be found in witnessing mortal combat. If you feel nauseous at your first sight of the head of a freshly-hewn Orc, take solace in the fact that nearly all first-time patrons have similar experiences, and by your third match or so you won't even notice if the ball is smiling or frowning. But remember to take in the other sports as well, in particular the Regatta and, if your constitution allows for it, Wickybottom. After all, Middle-earth is famous for its diversity of cultures, and its sports definitely reflect that. ###### From: Adrian Ratnapala Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien,alt.fan.tolkien Subject: Re: Sports in Middle-earth: The Fell Races Followup-To: alt.fan.tolkien Date: 3 Jul 2002 05:04:43 GMT Organization: University of Queensland Lines: 7 Message-ID: References: <3D0E5CBE.8D68F7E2@mindspring.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: s369625.student.uq.edu.au X-Trace: bunyip.cc.uq.edu.au 1025672683 11737 172.20.76.33 (3 Jul 2002 05:04:43 GMT) X-Complaints-To: news@uq.edu.au NNTP-Posting-Date: 3 Jul 2002 05:04:43 GMT User-Agent: slrn/0.9.7.3 (Linux) Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news.imp.ch!news.imp.ch!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news1.optus.net.au!optus!bunyip.cc.uq.edu.au!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:89894 In article , Speaking Clock wrote: > Do they have Sack Races and Three-Legged Races too? > > Speaking Clock No the Sack and There Legged Races and some others like them are collectively known as the Fell Races. Since that's what happens.