From: Jim Webster Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Sports in Middle-earth: Valar, Maiar, and Hobbits Date: Sun, 16 Jun 2002 22:37:02 +0000 Organization: MindSpring Enterprises Lines: 125 Message-ID: <3D0D130D.1B479C8A@mindspring.com> Reply-To: jsibleywebster@mindspring.com NNTP-Posting-Host: a5.f7.da.89 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1; x-mac-type="54455854"; x-mac-creator="4D4F5353" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Server-Date: 17 Jun 2002 05:36:54 GMT X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.72 (Macintosh; I; PPC) X-Accept-Language: en Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news.imp.ch!news.imp.ch!fr.clara.net!heighliner.fr.clara.net!newsfeed01.sul.t-online.de!t-online.de!newspeer1-gui.server.ntli.net!ntli.net!cox.net!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed2.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!newsfeed0.news.atl.earthlink.net!news.atl.earthlink.net!news.mindspring.net!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:89107 Editor's Note: The following excerpt is from a chapter in the forthcoming volume, "The Compleat Traveler's Guide to Middle-earth." This excerpt concerns Men; future excerpts will cover Fell beings, Hobbits, etc. The complete text of the chapter is available online at http://www.mindspring.com/~jsibleywebster/compleatguide/sports/ THE COMPLEAT TRAVELER'S GUIDE TO MIDDLE-EARTH: SPORTS THE VALAR AND MAIAR Though for the most part not technically residents of Middle-earth, among the Valar dwell the Lord of Sport himself, Tulkas, who has no peer as a wrestler, and his wife Nessa, who can flat out beat the pants off any Man, Elf, or Dwarf in a foot race. At one time these two occasionally showed up to compete in sporting events in Middle-earth, usually disguised as pathetic losers, just to shake up the sporting hierarchy. But the fickle crowds in Gondor could not abide the laughter of Tulkas, which interfered with their sense of solemnity during the Orc Ball finals, and when Nessa tried to reach her hubby she brought too many deer with her and they overran the playing fields. The couple were politely asked to leave, and now play in relative obscurity in Valinor. This account, at least, comes from a groundskeeper at Osgiliath Field, who was a bit tipsy with mead at the time of my interview with him, and thus may not be a reliable source of information. When I left him, in fact, he was babbling incoherently with the freshly-hewn head of an Orc. HOBBITS Though in stature the least of Middle-earth's sentient denizens, Hobbits can in truth be considered the progenitors of modern English sport. Indeed, numerous contemporary sports and games, including golf, croquet, and cricket, can be traced back to the playful Halflings' propensity for outdoor play. Unlike Men, they do not play for money, nor for spectators other than those who show up with vittles and drink. But what they lack in spectacle they make up in enthusiasm--and an irresistible urge to tinker with the rules. This urge can be seen in the large variety of ways they play their favorite sport, Wickybottom. Legend has it that it is also their oldest sport, having supposedly originated shortly after the last battle of Fornost, when Hobbit bowmen returned from the North with a game that they picked up from the Dúnedain (though this is a matter of some dispute; others insist that it was invented long after the Days of Dearth, when times were once again good and young Hobbits had to find something to keep them from going crazy with boredom). There is good evidence to suggest that the original striker nets, the constantly-modified implements used to hit or catch the ball (if indeed a ball is used; some varieties of Wickybottom use dried gourds, sticks, or even small stones, though these varieties tend to be played more often by Hobbits of Stoor extraction), were originally what Hobbits call "mathoms," in this case weapons used in ancient times that were mostly gathering dust while hanging on the walls of seldom-used guest rooms in the burrows of the well-to-do Hobbits in Tuckborough and Tookbank. Such weapons were not wielded in anger, of course, though a few unfortunate mishaps necessitated changes in the striker nets, mostly having to do with dulling the blade or removing sharp edges and/or spikes, so that the game could take on a more genteel character . In the course of making such modifications, certain clever Hobbits discovered that they could improve the efficacy of both the catching and striking functions of the implements, thus leading to a constant evolution in the tools of the game, as first Tooks, then rival Brandybucks, and even Hobbits from Bree took the lead in the competition. Were it not for the need for baskets, Bree would have probably taken the lead permanently, but basketweavers from Buckland (with a little help from Bombadil himself, apparently) helped level the playing field with their ingenious "false trap" designs that unwary Bree Hobbits still have difficulty fathoming. The game itself has taken many forms, but certain strategic elements have remained constant over the thousand-odd years of its life. Probably most important is the placement of the baskets: too low ground makes them an easy mark, whereas too high leads to discouragingly infrequent scores. The quality of the ground on which they rest is another factor, and some Hobbit teams, especially those coached by old Bratty Willowhook, have been accused of watering down the area surrounding the baskets to encourage the practice of "frogging," or sinking the baskets so low in the ground that the trap portion is exceedingly difficult to distinguish from the under portion, or vica versa. To counter this, some Bree players have been known to send their Jammies out on an early Boonthrow in an effort to wrest baskets from the Boggishbilly. The other main strategic element is player placement. Wickybottom recognizes 113 player positions, the primary ones of which are Boggishbilly, Hotspaw, Fieldbanger, Struttish End, Clever Pully, Leg-a-dilly, Crunchpickle, Baffle Buck On, Banterwaggle, Smidgeon-on-a-curl, and Sloglark. Since only seven (or, in some cases, seventeen, or in others twelve) players can play at a time, this leads to a constant stream of decision-making on the players' parts on which positions they should take up. Since each position change necessitates its being recorded by the official Game Scribe, a good part of the contest is spent waiting, and waiting leads to chatting, and chatting leads to having a bite or a pint or two, and by then everyone's forgotten where they're supposed to be. A stranger to the Shire might indeed wonder if a game is being played at all, and leave just as a goal is about to be attempted, thus missing the most exciting part: the digging of the furrow-hole, that passage that the ball (or dried gourd, etc.) has to make before it can legally be played for a score. Some words of advice for those who wish to take in a game of Wickybottom. Don't even try to understand the rules. If you can, sample some of Belladonna's Wild Mushroom Cups and a bowl of Old Toby. Hobbit sports may not be overly exciting, but they are decidedly civilized: if you stick it out all the way to the eventual victory celebration, you won't see the freshly-hewn head of an Orc. *** Next: the Fell Races!