From: "Öjevind Lång" Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: The Case of the Over-sized Hobbit Lines: 74 X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.72.3110.5 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.3110.3 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 212.151.41.253 X-Complaints-To: news-abuse@swip.net X-Trace: nntpserver.swip.net 991494712 212.151.41.253 (Sat, 02 Jun 2001 17:11:52 MET DST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 02 Jun 2001 17:11:52 MET DST Organization: A Customer of Tele2 X-Sender: s-774765@d212-151-41-253.swipnet.se Date: Sat, 2 Jun 2001 17:14:39 +0200 Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!pinatubo.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!newsfeed00.sul.t-online.de!t-online.de!colt.net!newspeer.clara.net!news.clara.net!newsfeed1.swip.net!swipnet!nntpserver.swip.net!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:37950 17 April. I was awoken early by my housekeeper, Mrs Badger. "Doctor Longbottle", she exclaimed, "someone has murdered old Mr Baggins!" "Murdered?" said I, while sitting up and tiredly affixing my false Hobbit's feet, which I had carelessly let drop beside my bed the previous day. "His head bashed in", said Mrs Badger, her long, thin nose twitching excitedly. I sighed. "Very well", said I. "Tell Roper to get the cart ready while I have some coffee (imported from the plantations in Harad, which use ecologically correct methods and only employ free labour)." As always, Mrs Badger was absolutely right. I sometimes think she should be employed as town crier, but then, no one in Hobbition would ever get any sleep. Old Mr Baggins's head had been smashed to a pulp with a blunt instrument, viz. a mithrilelephantine statue of a golf-playing Troll. In death, his tremendous paunch and big fat thighs looked oddly pathetic. He always was partial to his vittles! Two Shirriffs from the New Dunland Metre (the so-called Metropolitan Police) , Street and Crickhollowson, were already present on my arrival, but declared themselves baffled as to the identity of the perpetrator. I pronounced Mr Baggins dead and returned home. 18 April. A certain Miss Marbles has moved to the village with her companion, a rather tall spinster called Miss Murbles. Miss Marbles is a very talkative, friendly soul, whereas her companion seems slower and rather quiet. I met them in passing in High Street and will meet them again this evening at Squire Bulger's home. Miss Murbles did not laugh at my ethnic Orc jokes. She is so humourless one might think she was a Swede. Later. I just scratch this down before going to bed after a long, upsetting and wearisome evening. Squire Bulger has been poisoned! Someone smuggled a deathly poison, a so-called Minas Mickey Finn, into his port and he died before our eyes. The question everyone asks is: "Who did it?" The Shirriffs from the New Dunland Metre seem as baffled as ever. 20 April. Our vicar, Mr Hornblower, was shot in front of the altar as he performed his nondenominational service to Eru. It seems that anyone in the congregation could have performed the deed with the aid of a so-called Cloak of Stunning Darkness. People are beginning to fear going outdoors, and the Shire Post asks in a leading article what the Shirriffs are doing. 21 April. Mr Grubb, the solicitor, will read the late Mr Baggins's will to invited guests today. I am one of that number, as are Mrs Hornblower, Angelica Sagwell (that candy-devouring daughter she has from her first marriage), flirtatious young Lolita Cotton (the daughter of an agricultural labourer and apparently a bit of nonsense Mr Baggins indulged in during the last months of his life), Mr Chicko Bulger (old Mr Bulger's ne'er-do-well son), a mysterious distant relative of Mr Baggins's called Mr Underhole and JoeTunnelly, Mr Baggins's Breelandish gardener. We are all, it seems, beneficiaries of Mrs Baggins's will, which means that one of us probably murdered him and then went on to kill the others because they were inconvenient witnesses. Mrs Badger is convinced that Tunnelly is a murderer because he is from foreign parts. I believe her thinking is sound. Just consider that villainous brogue he speaks in! And the only vegetable that seems to interest him is taters. The police will be present. For some reason, Shirriff Street has invited Miss Marbles and Miss Murbles to attend the occasion. 22 April. Oh, dear! It turns out I was the murderer. I should have known. The doctor always does it, when it isn't the solicitor. (Mr Grubb was eliminated as a suspect because he was stabbed to death during the proceedings. ) It seems I had been slowly poisoning old Mr Baggins for years, but when he considered settling his entire estate on that young trollop Lolita Cotton, I struck before he could act. Miss Marbles and Miss Murbles were simply Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson in disguise! How could I have missed that? The fact that they are both tall Men, standing well over 180 centimetres (or six feet, as the rearded Valinoreans compute length) should have alerted me. I stabbed Grubb when Mr Holmes fooled me into believing that Grubb had introduced a forged will leaving everything to himself. And that was my undoing! I was blinded by greed! I was a fool, a fool! Aah! Öjevind ###### From: Fmat Oom Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Re: The Case of the Over-sized Hobbit Message-ID: <1fajhtcouc168gmaepmlu7f6psss9ucake@4ax.com> References: X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.8/32.548 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Lines: 11 NNTP-Posting-Host: 145.236.142.138 X-Complaints-To: news-abuse@nextra.no NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 03 Jun 2001 20:07:32 MET DST Organization: Nextra Public Access X-Trace: readme.online.no 991591652 145.236.142.138 Date: Sun, 03 Jun 2001 20:06:54 +0200 Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!newsfeed00.sul.t-online.de!t-online.de!newsfeeds.belnet.be!news.belnet.be!newscore.univie.ac.at!uninett.no!news.powertech.no!news2.oke.nextra.no!nextra.com!news1.oke.nextra.no.POSTED!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:38197 "Öjevind Lång" coughed, cleared their throat, polished their teeth, and stated: >17 April. I was awoken early by my housekeeper, Mrs Badger. absobloodylutely splendid. yet again i find myself awed, yea, verily. -- Tamf lellow/moo/dragon øøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø Here comes the sun! (dum dum dum dum) ###### From: Menelvagor@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Re: The Case of the Over-sized Hobbit Date: 3 Jun 2001 16:45:12 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 6 Message-ID: <6bfb27a8.0106031545.2e271a2d@posting.google.com> References: NNTP-Posting-Host: 136.242.228.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 991611913 11912 127.0.0.1 (3 Jun 2001 23:45:13 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups-support@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 3 Jun 2001 23:45:13 GMT Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!pinatubo.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!news-fra1.dfn.de!newsfeed.hanau.net!newsfeed01.sul.t-online.de!newsfeed00.sul.t-online.de!t-online.de!fr.usenet-edu.net!usenet-edu.net!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!newsfeed.stanford.edu!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:38278 "?evind L?g" wrote in message news:... I think this one of the funniest ones I've seen. Definitely to be archived (fater saURon's Dairy, ncath ). ###### From: Fmat Oom Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Re: The Case of the Over-sized Hobbit Message-ID: References: <6bfb27a8.0106031545.2e271a2d@posting.google.com> X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.8/32.548 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Lines: 12 NNTP-Posting-Host: 145.236.141.2 X-Complaints-To: news-abuse@nextra.no NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 04 Jun 2001 18:39:13 MET DST Organization: Nextra Public Access X-Trace: readme.online.no 991672753 145.236.141.2 Date: Mon, 04 Jun 2001 18:38:27 +0200 Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!newsfeed00.sul.t-online.de!newsfeed01.sul.t-online.de!t-online.de!feed.news.nacamar.de!uninett.no!news.powertech.no!news2.oke.nextra.no!nextra.com!news1.oke.nextra.no.POSTED!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:38289 Menelvagor@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) coughed, cleared their throat, polished their teeth, and stated: >I think this one of the funniest ones I've seen. Definitely to be >archived (fater saURon's Dairy, ncath ). -- Tamf lellow/moo/dragon øøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø Here comes the sun! (dum dum dum dum) ###### From: Menelvagor@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Re: The Case of the Over-sized Hobbit Date: 4 Jun 2001 14:59:35 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 10 Message-ID: <6bfb27a8.0106041359.5d343f94@posting.google.com> References: <6bfb27a8.0106031545.2e271a2d@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 136.242.228.107 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 991691975 25648 127.0.0.1 (4 Jun 2001 21:59:35 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups-support@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 4 Jun 2001 21:59:35 GMT Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!newsfeeds.belnet.be!news.belnet.be!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!newsfeed.stanford.edu!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:38486 Fmat Oom wrote in message news:... > Menelvagor@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) coughed, cleared their throat, > polished their teeth, and stated: > > >I think this one of the funniest ones I've seen. Definitely to be > >archived (fater saURon's Dairy, ncath ). > > ###### From: "Öjevind Lång" Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.books.tolkien References: <6bfb27a8.0106031545.2e271a2d@posting.google.com> <6bfb27a8.0106041359.5d343f94@posting.google.com> Subject: Re: The Case of the Over-sized Hobbit Lines: 20 X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.72.3110.5 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.3110.3 Message-ID: <9X1T6.10304$vR1.30738@nntpserver.swip.net> Date: Tue, 5 Jun 2001 11:53:27 +0200 NNTP-Posting-Host: 212.151.111.21 X-Complaints-To: news-abuse@swip.net X-Trace: nntpserver.swip.net 991734597 212.151.111.21 (Tue, 05 Jun 2001 11:49:57 MET DST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 11:49:57 MET DST Organization: A Customer of Tele2 Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!pinatubo.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!deine.net!colt.net!newspeer.clara.net!news.clara.net!newsfeed1.swip.net!swipnet!nntpserver.swip.net!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:38445 Count Menelvagor hath written: >Fmat Oom wrote in message news: > Menelvagor@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) coughed, cleared their throat, >> polished their teeth, and stated: >> >> >I think this one of the funniest ones I've seen. Definitely to be >> >archived (fater saURon's Dairy, ncath ). >> >> > > I am very flattered by the compliments from both of you. If you wish to put up my post somewhere, you are both most welcome to do so. Öjevind ###### From: Menelvagor@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Re: The Case of the Over-sized Hobbit Date: 5 Jun 2001 15:25:29 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 20 Message-ID: <6bfb27a8.0106051425.2d92f055@posting.google.com> References: <6bfb27a8.0106031545.2e271a2d@posting.google.com> <6bfb27a8.0106041359.5d343f94@posting.google.com> <9X1T6.10304$vR1.30738@nntpserver.swip.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: 136.242.228.142 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 991779929 9846 127.0.0.1 (5 Jun 2001 22:25:29 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups-support@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 5 Jun 2001 22:25:29 GMT Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!pinatubo.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!isdnet!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!newsfeed.stanford.edu!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:38483 "?evind L?g" wrote in message news:<9X1T6.10304$vR1.30738@nntpserver.swip.net>... > Count Menelvagor hath written: > > >Fmat Oom wrote in message news: > > Menelvagor@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) coughed, cleared their > throat, > >> polished their teeth, and stated: > >> > >> >I think this one of the funniest ones I've seen. Definitely to be > >> >archived (fater saURon's Dairy, ncath ). > >> > >> > > > > > > I am very flattered by the compliments from both of you. If you wish to put > up my post somewhere, you are both most welcome to do so. Hmmm ... well, since it's short, I could probably put it up at Palazzo Don Operatico, though that's mostly opera spoofs ...