From: mlindanne@hotmail.com (China Blue White Supergiant) Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Jerry Springer vs Middle Earth Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2001 00:48:43 -0800 Organization: Will pointlessly annoy people for food. Message-ID: X-Hello-Kitty: meow meow. X-Should: Prancing green elves on yellow daisy fields. X-Should-not: You're not allowed. X-Newsgroup-Bomb: Crossposted to heck and back. X-Ray-Specs: Off. X-Traneous-Reference: Kibo X-NSA-Bait: wiretap pgp cryptoterrorist rsa des X-Complaints-To: newsabuse@supernews.com Lines: 383 Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!enews.sgi.com!newshub2.rdc1.sfba.home.com!news.home.com!sn-xit-01!sn-post-01!supernews.com!corp.supernews.com!b105.ppp.tsoft.com!user Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:31586 (Please note this includes multiple new Crackpot Theories of Middle-Earth.) Jerry: Today's episode, "Black Magic Women." Our first guest tonight is the Prince of Ithilien, Faramir. Welcome, Faramir. Faramir: Hello, Jerry. J: So tell us a little about yourself. F: Well, it's was during the War of the Ring when I first met Aragorn and Éowyn. My father had died under mysterious circumstances, and I was half-dead with infection because we had no universal health coverage. I thought about challenging this northern upstart, but he'd already stolen the allegiance of my own people and the Rhohirrim. Thinking it over, I decided it was better to cut a deal with him. He gave me Éowyn and a princedom, and I agreed not to stir up any trouble. Better a bush in the hand than the bird and all that. J: So let's meet your wife, Éowyn. Éowyn: Good morning, Jerry. J: Have a seat.....Éowyn, how has your relationship with Faramir been? É: It's been wonderful. Fara is so kind and loving. And such a good a father. J: Do you have any children? É: Three. A boy, a girl, and a shetland pony. J: I think Faramir has something to tell you. Why don't I step back, out of bowshot, and let him tell you. É: Fara? F: Éowyn, I love you, you have to know that....but....well....I've been having an affair. [Éowyn draws a sword and decapitates Steve when he steps in the way. "It's only a flesh wound."] J: Let's meet her, the new love of Faramir's life, Queen Arwen. [Éowyn lunges at Arwen who knocks her down with Elf-fu.] A: Jerry. We shall be seated. J: Is it true that you've been having an affair with Prince Faramir? A: Yes, we have. É: Faramir! How could you? I thought you loved me? F: Well, for one thing she bathes. And shaves. And let's me on top once in while. É: [sniffs] Well, if it's Barbie doll you wanted I could have Gimli make you one like he did for Imrahil. Gosh, I bet she's real exciting, too. [as Arwen] Gracious, Faramir, why I think I almost moved that time. Oh, dear, you've knocked a strand of a hair out of place. I must spend the rest of the afternoon combing my tresses endlessly again. [as herself] Yeah, real exciting. F: Well, at least you could take off the spurs. J: But Queen Arwen, aren't you also married? A: Yes, we have wed King Elessar. J: Let's bring out....King Elessar. [Elessar steps out, glances at Faramir, then nervously sit next to Arwen.] Good morning. Elessar: Yes. J: Queen Arwen, perhaps you should explain. A: My dearest Elessar, we did not wish to hurt thee, but in the truth we have been intimate with one of thy subjects. E: [glances quickly at Éowyn] Oh? A: With Faramir. E: Oh. A: We wish that it were not so, but we spend so much time alone in the Tower. Thou art constantly off with Éomer hunting down the Orcs and other lingerring forces of Darkness. We get so lonely, and the Prince is so near. E: [finds something intensely interesting to look at on his boots] Well..... A: Do we displease thee, my gentle husband? E: [says nothing] F: No, you don't. And I tell you why. Aragorn, you think I don't know why you wanted to keep me within an easy day's ride of Minas Tirith? You wanted me to be your bitch, but Gondorians don't play that game. I am not your Prince Precious. A: What the hel--I mean--We mean, to what are you referring, Prince Faramir? Is he not the greatest and most manly of all the Kings of Arnor and Gondor? F: Since nobody else is going to tell you truth, I guess I'm going to have to. Arwen, there are no Orcs. They all turned to pillars of salt the instant the Ring went into the Fire. We made treaties with the Southrons and Easterlings years ago. There're no forces of Darkness left. A: But he and Éomer go off.... F: Go off, yes, alone to their hunting lodge in Morgul Vale. Believe me, Arwen, when they talk about using their weapons, they're not talking about swords. J: King Elessar, is this true? [Elessar says nothing] Éowyn, did you know your brother was gay? É: Well, he was always so good to m--[blushes] I mean, no, never. He was a bit rambunctious--Dad never left him in charge of kennels again after that one incident--but he was always straight, more or less. I had no idea, Arwen. I'm sorry. [They hug. And hug some more.] F: Uh, girls..... [Commercial break.] J: For my next guest, the former Dark Overlord himself, Sauron, and his main babe, Shelob. Have a seat. S: Is that some kind of joke? J: Well, you can hover like a dark cloud there. So, Sauron, how long have you Shelob been in a relationship? S: Perhaps three or four thousand years. It feels like just a century ago. J: Do you love Shelob? S: Of course. J: Then you wouldn't want to hear how she has cheated on you? S: WHAT? J: Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce....Gollum. [A small creature wearing a Darth Vader suit crawls on the stage. There is a flash of lightenning from the dark cloud on the stage, reducing Gollum to burnt offerrings. Gollum's son rushes on the stage, throws Sauron down a handy ventilation shaft, and then drags Gollum's remains away. Shelob flexes her legs, jumps up, and runs off, pursued by a horde of intellectual property lawyers.] [Commercial break.] J: Our next guest today is Rosie Gamgee, wife of the Mayor of the Shire, in the realm of Arnor. Hello, Miss Rosie. Rosie: It's a right pleasure to be here, Jerry. Let me say I watch your show everyday and you're number one in my book. J: Are you happily married? R: Oh, yes. We're totally devoted to each other. J: Do you have any children? R: A dozen or so. Sometimes I lose count. J: And what kind of hobbies does your husband have? R: Taking long walks and cold showers. J: Do you have any idea why you're here? R: Gosh, no, Jerry. I guess you just wanted to have some just plain, normal folk on your show. J: Well, here's your husband, Mayor Samwise. Samwise: Howdy, Jerry. Rosie. J: Isn't there something you need to tell Rosie? S: Well, yes, I guess. R: Sam? S: [shuffling] I don't know how to say this, Rosie. I guess--I guess I just have to say it: Rosie, I'm a-leaving you. R: Sam! No! S: Sorry, Rosie, and that's fer sure, but it's just something I got to do. R: Is it another woman? I know! It's that woman that works in your office, that Monica Lewinso! S: No, Rosie, it's not like that at all. It's someone I met a long time ago. R: Do you mean Nancy? S: No, no, no. It's Frodo. I'm going off to see Frodo again. R: Frodo? J: Do you know this Frodo, Rosie? R: Well, I [emphasising] knew him. He comitted suicide years ago. It's all very tragic. He had been in the War and came home a changed hobbit. PTSD. He couldn't readjust to civillian life. Very sad. S: No, Rosie, he sailed off with the Elves. I got to go, Rosie. I don't feel whole. I feel like I'm being torn in two. R: [worried] Oh, Sam, you know what Masters Pippin and Merry said. They said poor Mr Frodo just went plumb crazy. Started screaming about bells, ran down into the surf, and just drownded. S: It wasn't like that all, Rosie. I was hoping you wish me well, but I'm leaving anyway. Master Frodo? Master Frodo? Can you hear me? I'm a-coming, Master Frodo! I'm a-coming! J: We need a straitjacket, please. [Commercial break.] J: Well, our next couple is well known as the Oddest Odd Couple of Middle-Earth. I'd like you to meet Legolas and Gimli. Legolas: And how are you? Gimli: Howdy! [They sit next to each other. Legolas puts a hand on Gimli's shoulder and gently rubs it.] J: You must get alot of attention to due to the transracial nature of your relationship. L: I don't know why. It's quite normal where I come from. J: I've heard rumours about Elves before, but I never realised transracial homosexual relationships where considerred normal. L: Homosexual? In fact, sexual? What do you mean? J: You're both males, aren't you? L: [puzzled] Yes, but I don't see....[enlightenned] oh! You misunderstand. True, it is messy to housetrain a dwarf, but with a little attention, discipline, and a few treats along the way, dwarves are easily trained and make wonderful companions. [Legolas runs his hand down Gimli's back and scratches his flank until Gimli's leg starts kicking the air.] [Commercial break.] J: Our last guest today arrived by special arrangement from the Big Guy himself. Let's have a big hand for....Gandalf. [Gandalf struts onto the stage as the audience cheers wildly. Aragorn gives him a sour look. The audience starts chanting "Stormcrow! Stormcrow! Stormcrow!"] J: Thank-you, thank-you. [hushes audience] Have a seat, please. [A small white cloud settles on Gandalf's shoulder as if it were mantle. Gandalf strokes the cloud gently.] So what brought you back to Middle-Earth? Gandalf: I had to visit the one great love in my life, Saruman. [looks down on the cloud] I realise he doesn't look like much today, but in his time, he was quite the man. J: According to the Red Book, you had a quite different relation with Saruman. G: Hobbits are a good people and all that, but they don't have the brains Eru gave to a willow tree. They see everything through their own sepia-shaded spectacles. I tried to explain it to Pippin on the ride to Minas Tirith, but he kept falling asleep. I think he gave Bilbo some totally off the wall account, probably trying to make Saruman look as bad as possible. They got all huffy about Saruman trying to bring the Shire to the necessary industrial level to sustain a defence against Sauron if Gondor had fallen. J: You and Saruman were lovers? G: Yes. [some in the audience start shouting "Faggot!"] Oh, people of Middle-Earth--[he sighs and shakes his head] sometimes I wonder why we even try. In the first place, to us these bodies are like clothing. Our true presence are beings of etheral light. Yes, some of us are more inclined to what you would call the feminine nature, and some to the masculine. Saruman was definitely drawn to the masculine side. J: And you? G: The feminine. In my own thoughts I see myself as beautiful sleepy eyed maiden, slowly pirouetting in the gardens of Lorien. J: But your form. You look like a man to me. G: Manwe's idea of a joke. He got drunk on miruvor the night before he sent us over the Great Sea. He made for me not the body of a human male, but that of a dwarf woman. J: But the beard? And everything else? G: Were you not told? Dwarf men and women are indistinguishable to the eye of outsiders. But alone, behind the closed doors, the relevant differences become quite obvious. And pleasurable. I don't think you Children of Eru fully appreciate the pleasures of the bodies he fashionned for you. You get all huffety about dignity. Believe me, if Eru was really more concerned about making you dignified, he wouldn't've filled you with symbiotic gut bacteria that give you gas. J: So you're actually a woman. G: A dwarf woman. You'd surprised how many important dwarves were really women. J: Like? G: One of them should have been obvious. The first fifteen dwarves were seven males and their seven female mates. And Durin? So how did Durin reproduce? She was a parthogenetic female; she produced eggs that did not need fertilisation, so she did not need a husband to start her own race. And because asexual reproduction is essentially cloning, her descendants would be identical to her; the records explained that each subsequent Durin was so like Durin I that it was as if she had been reincarnated. This is what happens with parthogenesis. This is so obvious I don't understand why nobody realised this before. Of course, Durin could take lovers and produce haptic cells that needed fertilisation, but it was never a necessity. [Commercial break.] J: Welcome back, let's take a few questions from the audience. #1: I've a got a comment for Elessar. Hey, Elessar! you pansy! If you were a real man, you would've taken the Ring to the fire yourself instead of getting some halfling to do it for you! #2: I have a question for the fairy. J: Elessar? #2: No, no, the one with the dwarf. J: The Elf. #2: Yeah. Do you need to get license for a dwarf? Legolas: Yes, but you have to get it rabies shots first. Also, I would recommend Galadriel's book, No Bad Dwarves. #3: Can I rub Steve's head? J: Sure. [picks up Steve's head and tosses it to #3] #4: Shelob, is it true you ripped off your appearance here from the Star Wars movies? [Shelob is still too desperately trying to outrun the lawyers to respond.] #5: And then you have the nerve to tell me you think that as a mother I'm not fit. Well this is just a little Peyton Place, and you're all just Morgul Valley hypocrites. J: I'll be back for a few final thoughts after this break. [Commercial break.] J: A watched pot never boils. A stitch in time saves nine. The early worm catches the hobbit. Too many cooks spoil the broth. The quick red fox jumped over the lazy brown dog. I'm here to try to convince you that this show has some actual worth and it's not just tasteless descent into obscenity for the sole purpose of selling advertising space to the Devry Institute of Sorcery. Good night and Eru bless. -- Bush and Dick Bait: Robin Red Breast, Blue Tit, Jackass Penguin, Erect-crested Penguin, Red-necked Grebe, Fairy Prion, Rock Shag. Machine censorred for you protection. -- CACS: Collective Against Consensual Sanity v0.123 pretty pretty http://www.tsoft.com/~wyrmwif/ All new and improved web pages! Bookmark yours today! :)-free zone. Elect LUM World Dictator!