From: "O. Sharp" Subject: Gandalf's Wake, Part VII Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Organization: It Ain't Hamlet User-Agent: tin/1.4.2-20000205 ("Possession") (UNIX) (Linux/2.2.17 (i686)) Lines: 294 Message-ID: <4VtV5.69374$DG3.1292765@news2.giganews.com> NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000 08:57:04 CST X-Trace: sv2-CTYnLlhBpVL9n3Afr/tP5d3K2eu6LVrPd4SfdYIgR3wT+QwJeaINtxQXQ6IkLQ2sP0eaHx4wEMyw+Km!nfiPpdJJvUT4G7k+QEfnbmfKcJx2 X-Complaints-To: abuse@GigaNews.Com X-Abuse-Info: Please be sure to forward a copy of ALL headers X-Abuse-Info: Otherwise we will be unable to process your complaint properly Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000 14:57:05 GMT Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news.nextra.ch!news1.sunrise.ch!news.imp.ch!fr.clara.net!heighliner.fr.clara.net!grolier!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!wn4feed!worldnet.att.net!207.207.0.27!nntp2.aus1.giganews.com!nntp3.aus1.giganews.com!news2.giganews.com.POSTED!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:29886 Inspired (if that is the word) by David Salo's rendition of Gandalf's Wake Part One on 17 July, I have done some quick and piddling research through the drafts for _HoME_ vol. XXVXVVXV "Bad Mathematics of Middle-earth" and uncovered the following rejected portion. It is fawningly dedicated to Mr. Salo with great admiration, and many hugs and kisses. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The following manuscript, which I shall refer to as F, was written on the back of a Shakespeare First Folio which my father had brought home from the Oxford antiquities library, and thus we can be certain that the following text was written no earlier than 1600. The text is fragmentary and among the most difficult of my father's manuscripts, mainly due to the thin and almost illegible pencilling, the poor quality of the paper, the similarity of Shakespeare's handwriting, and the fact that my father tore it to shreds in disgust immediately following its completion. The following text is my best approximation of the original, though with a substantial amount of grant money more text might still be uncovered. GANDALF'S WAKE, PART VII: LOST TALES OF ELENDIL ..."'Swounds!" yelled Boromir(tm), almost knocking over his mead and hurling a salad-fork at the wall for emphasis, where it stabbed into a . . . . ". . .'n you think you knowed Gandart. Wull, Gandart came t'Gondrr(tm) years ago, t' . . . . the Secret of the Hidden Staircase. An' whut happen'd when he did thut, wlll, thurr'd be no point in takin' . . . . 'n my father's hated him ever since." * * * . . . . on a dark March night with the wind blowing. After reaching the seventh circle he rode straight to the Tower, for there were no lines, but the doorwards refused to give him entry. "The Lord Denethor(tm) is busy with many . . . . has no time tonight for wizardry," Braglaph the door-warden told him. "Though the gift-shop is still open, and if you want your picture taken with . . . . a life-sized model of him you can sit next to right over there." "And what camera have you invented to take . . . . with?" Gandalf replied, angry in his haste. "No need for trinkets have I, Braglaph son of Bromides. Night is coming. Great soups are brewing in the East . . . . else let Gondor(tm) look to its crackers! Then shall Darkness come!" And with a . . . . ndalf swept his way into the chambers of Denethor(tm). So came Gandalf the Meddler of Valar to . . . . I had also come there, for my father demanded that I come to tell him of Disgiliath, and he wished to tell me of some foolishness of my brother's which . . . . newly come into his doctorate, and lacked my worldly [1] . . . . [1] - Though the passage is blurred, a marginal note indicates this spot and clearly reads, "Back to narr. Aragon laughs. Beer through nose. Pause, clean." "And what can we do for you, Mudwrangler?" Denethor(tm) said coldly. "Another dinner? Another set of free passes? Oft have you come here in my time, and in my father's, and in my father's father's, and in my father's father's fa . . . . always slow to pay, yet ever quick with advice and a free drink." "And your fathers all showed me more respect, Denethor(tm) son of Englebert(tm), and . . . . But now is not the time for such matters. I seek knowledge! Aruman spent much time here in study, back in the days of Bluto(tm) your father's father's father's . . . . The native act and figure of my heart in compliment extern, 'tis not long after but I will wear my . . . . here upon your carpet, Steward, until you aid me! I need to see the ancient tomes and records of Gondor(tm), and learn what Aruman has seen. Otherwise ruin shall . . . . as when, by night and negligence, the fire is spied in populous cities." "What, ho, Brabanito! Signor . . . " . . . . Denethor(tm) intoned. "But your quest is doomed to failure from the start. For the ancient records of Gondor(tm) of which you seek, from Isildur to Eisner(tm) the last King, were on the advice of counsel sealed and removed from . . . . where no prying eyes would find them, lest those with subpoenas come and undo . . . . and so instituted the Trademarks, for the protection of the Tower of Guard and its intellectual properties and subsidiaries. Loth am I to . . . . so no dice, Gandalf; even if the records are here nobody can figure out where any more." "Yet Aruman has read them," Gandalf replied. "What kind of Steward loses all sorts of valuable documents at the drop of a helm when there are . . . . must find them!" "Not possible," Denethor(tm) replied. "You might as well . . . . with a hammer." At this Gandalf turned in disgust, and spat upon the floor. But my brother Faramir looked up and noted, "Did not Aruman spend much of his time in the abandoned Hall Of . . . . For there were many matters of cunning artifice, and educational displays, which the chroniclers and loremasters of the time said he was very interested in." Then Gandalf's eyes . . . . stick. "We must not tarry more!" he said suddenly. "Show me the Hall of M . . . . " * * * . . . . was the falling, and deeply the fungus and rust grew like . . . . in the dark. I kindled torches and my father took . . . . ancient sputtered green in the firelight. "Probably a high copper content," Faramir . . . . But no sign was there of aught but rusting . . . . one stood King Ronindocile, "The Gentle Maniac", his hand outstretched to a . . . . display showed King Earwig in . . . . against the Winoriders of the East. The besotted warriors looked . . . . oily sheen of decay. The plastic was half . . . . in grotesque slime. "Aught but disgust shall we find here," Denethor(tm) said quietly. "And never again shall the . . . . be shown to tourists, for its maintenance has waned, and now most of our attractions are . . . . [2] . . . . are the hands of a restorer, it is said, but in these . . . . sharp edges! For the animatr . . . . And now who shall restore the great works of Gon . . . . we rot under the . . . . ic pressures from the East?" And he bowed his head, and all did like . . . . [2] - The text from here to the end of this page is particularly difficult, as in addition to being torn up and smudged my father evidently used them to clean up some spilled motor oil. After a moment Gandalf . . . . " . . . Remember the words of Aruman! . . . . the Off-White Council he . . . . For I mine own gained knowledge should profane . . . . with such a snipe . . . . Therein lies our clue. Yet . . . . and under the guise of . . . . must remember all that he said!" With that we . . . . [3] [3] - Two or more pages of manuscript are evidently missing from this spot. Only isolated fragments remain, alluding to "hours" of "unrelenting search" with someone, most likely Gandalf, working feverishly to "remember the words" from a meeting with Aruman where the strategy "against the Yeast" (sic) was discussed. The next pages, which were at the bottom of a planter, grow clearer after some deterioration at the top. I believe the first words are likely Boromir(tm)'s. " . . . . grumbling doddering old maniac! You couldn't remember what a wise man like Aruman said if you wrote it on your leg with a chisel. Indeed, I deem that a fit fate for . . . . And I've missed lunch." "Cease your squeaking!" Gandalf stormed. "Or else I'll (tear your leg out with a clivet > ) take that stupid helmet of yours and make a shoetree out of it. I'm sure there was something Aruman said, some clue he gave us, as he sat there blowing those . . . . He talked about . . . . " "We've been over the statue of Hiyamendelssohn eight times already," Denethor(tm) grumbled, his eyes . . . . "I absolutely refuse to do this any further. Take your peace and go! I am sick of the sight of you, and my lumbago is beginning to worry me." We began picking up our . . . . and the basket of ancient coupons [4] as we made ready to leave. Gandalf sat to one side on a _pilange_[5], still irate at our decision. His mumblings were barely audible. [4] - No explanation can be found to explain this reference. Though my father's few notes on Queen Beruthiel refer to a "secret treasure of S&H Green Stamps", it would not seem to apply here. [5] - Probably a variant of Q. _pillange_, "that sort of square or rectangular big stone they put alongside a stairway or ramp when they don't have a railing, the name of which escapes me". Then suddenly he became animated. "Of course!" he cried out. "The smoke-rings! So simple, like most puzzles are when you finally see the answer. He blew smoke-rings all through the meeting! That was the sign!" And so saying he ran up to . . . . of Eisner(tm), seized hold of the three metal rings on the figure's middle finger, and pulled. A great groaning . . . . slab of the floor rose up with a tremendous squeaking! A set of ancient stone stairs, unseen and unknown to any of the Stewards, was revealed in that musty and abandoned display. Gandalf stepped triumphantly towards the stairs, holding a torch aloft and peering down into the gloom, but then suddenly he screamed and dropped the torch. The squeaking did not stop, but grew louder and louder, as thousands upon thousands of rats ran up the stairs and into the room. "That shouldn't have been a surprise," Denethor(tm) said proudly. "You think that stone slab raised up all on its . . . . the days of the Kings, most of Gondor(tm)'s attractions were rat-powered." * * * After the rodents had cleared, we took up . . . . descended the long stairs into a great chamber of stone. In the corners were four great pillars carved like Tiempe, Limpe, Craughdadh and Quince, the great Geese of Atlantis; and between them lay an immense stone table, its surface covered with ancient scrolls and books of lore from the great days of the Kingdom . . . . Gandalf and Denethor(tm) descended upon them quickly, hasty to see the ancient knowledge. My brother moved more slowly, (struck out immediately: as if he'd already been here and read them all before in secret > ) as if he was afraid of a bunch of stupid books, the coward. For my part I stood back and held the firelight, taking care that none of the sparks should [6] [6] - The page ends here. The top half of the next page is completely missing; the rest of the page is greatly damaged and shredded, perhaps by a large dog. . . . . scroll slipped from . . . . It landed on his arm and gave him a grievous paper-cut, the likes of . . . . never happened to a Steward of Gondor(tm). "Aieeeee! Aiiyyaaaaaa . . . " . . . . my father was desperately wounded, and the blood . . . . almost an entire drop . . . . . . . . drew my sword. "You would murder the Steward of Gondor(tm)!" I . . . . "Panic not!" Gandalf cried. "The Steward is safe." And from his robes he drew out a phial, which he . . . . and poured the clear liquid upon the wound, which began to hiss and become pure with a white foam. "You have cured . . . " . . . . Denethor(tm) gasped. "What nature of wizardry is . . . . " "An ancient elixir known only to the Powers of the West," Gandalf . . . . "with powers of great purifying and of healing." "Actually, it appears only to be common hydrogen peroxide," Faramir said. "A simple oxidant used in a 3-to-6 per cent solution as an external germicide and skin antiseptic." My brother might have gone on, but then Gandalf shoved him aside and grasped the great Tome of Blackmoor. "Ah! By the Egg of Coot, I have found it!" he cried . . . . [7] [7] - The top of the next page is heavily damaged, and cannot be read save a small inked passage reading: "didn't ask you for your high-worded interference". This is legible due to its having written in very bold and heavy emphasis. The next section of fragments read as follows, with Gandalf evidently the speaker: ". . . . Arneson. And here's a map, pasted in like the others, showing the Temple of the Frog. Elendil's words continue afterwards: _Still haven't fygured out what to do with the Ring. My fynger burned. My toe too. Haven't tried burning anythyng else yet. Maybe it misseth the heat of its Masters hand. Or maybe I shouldn't keep it atop of the stove when not wearing it. Anciaent symbols scrawled on insyde of Ring. They readeth thusly in the (fair > ) foul languege of Mordor: * The Ruling Ring. Created by Plot Device Instruments. Inc. * I shall keep the Ring as an heirloome of my House, along wyth Sauron's severrd finger, and a brochyre I found in the ruins of the Dark Tower entitlled 'Great Ring Owner's Manual: Care, Feeding, Warranty Service, And How To Prevent Fading - Annatar's Gift Shop Ltd'. The Ring I shall take with me, the Fynger I shall mount on a plak ovyr the fyreplace at Rudeour, and the Brochyre I shall place at the back of this my scrapbook. Waether today still fair and warm. After instructing Anarchion in the proper use of letres I shall go despatch some Yrch and maybe take a swym._ ...The brochure, the _brochure_! Quickly! Let me turn to the back of the book! We must find it! O wretched fool, that liv'st to make thine honesty a vice! O monstrous world! Wait! Wait, damn you! Hand me the torch!" But as Gandalf wrested the torch from my hand a burning fragment fell full upon the book, lighting the dry papers, and in a moment the ancient Records of Gondor(tm) all were wreathed in flame. * * * "It was odd, that," Boromir(tm) said slowly, his eyes beginning once again to focus on us. Even he and Aragon now seemed strangely sobered by the tale. "All the ancient records of Gondor(tm) were burning, yet Dr Faramir and I were the only ones who seemed upset. Gandalf just said something about 'no sense in crying over spilt milk' and shrugged, almost as if everything had worked out just as he had hoped. In the firelight he almost looked to be relieved." "And your father?" Pipsqueak asked. "And my father?" Boromir(tm) repeated. "Now that was the oddest of all. He just kept staring into the flames, and then at Faramir. Over and over again. And at one point I thought he muttered something about 'what a hell of a plot twist that would be'. But then he seemed to snap out of it, and after a moment he picked up a flaming cudgel and whacked Gandalf in the back of the head with it. Singed some hair, too; smelled awful. But that's what happened, and needless to say Gandalf hasn't been welcome in the City ever since." "And what else was there in the records of Gondor(tm)? I must know!" cried Aragon. "Demand me nothing! What you know, you know. From this time forth I never will speak word." And with that the mighty Man of Gondor(tm) reached for a new skinful of ale, and for the rest of the Wake little else would rouse him. --------------------------------------------------------------------- ohh@speakeasy.org Ten quatloos and a free edition of _Wombat!_ magazine to the first person who identifies which Shakespearian play the Professor was writing on. No peeking! ###### From: Menelvagor Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Re: Gandalf's Wake, Part VII Date: Sun, 03 Dec 2000 03:26:24 GMT Organization: Deja.com - Before you buy. Lines: 16 Message-ID: <90cegu$84k$1@nnrp1.deja.com> References: <4VtV5.69374$DG3.1292765@news2.giganews.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 136.242.228.148 X-Article-Creation-Date: Sun Dec 03 03:26:24 2000 GMT X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 5.5; Windows NT 5.0) X-Http-Proxy: 1.1 x66.deja.com:80 (Squid/1.1.22) for client 136.242.228.148 X-MyDeja-Info: XMYDJUIDgoldarn Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!news.bme.hu!news.tele.dk!213.56.195.71!fr.usenet-edu.net!usenet-edu.net!codeine.org!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!nntp2.deja.com!nnrp1.deja.com!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:30006 Hilarious, especially the pseudo-editorial struff about how the text was written on the back of a Shakespeare folio and has been damaged by being ripped by a large dog and used to clean up gasoline spills and then used as litter for his pet parrot and then shredded by Ollie North and then some of the shreds wound up in Timbuktu while others ended up in Antarctica where they were frozen in the ice-cap, and how they all had to be laboriously put together again, etc. -- Count Menelvagor the Enervator (using a little poetic licence). Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.