From: needabath@nd.a.magnum.com (Harry at the West Gate) Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Mt Doom Date: Sat, 25 Nov 2000 19:28:53 GMT Organization: Bombadil Internet Providers Lines: 213 Message-ID: <3a1fd3dd.9514921@news.singnet.com.sg> NNTP-Posting-Host: 58bravo703.singnet.com.sg X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.11/32.235 Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news.nextra.ch!news1.sunrise.ch!news.imp.ch!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!newsfeed.stanford.edu!paloalto-snf1.gtei.net!news.gtei.net!mawar.singnet.com.sg!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:29712 After the ghastly confines of Cirith Ungol; they were glad to be in the open once again, even though it was the land of shadows. Suddenly Frodo cried, ' This weights killing me !' He took off the orc armour casting it away. ' There, there Mr Frodo,' cried Sam. ' Now how are we going to match in the enemies land, they'll spot you in that get up from a league. We have to dress Mordor fashion if we wanna make it to the mountain.' The shadows closed about them and it seems the air was thickening. ' Hmmpf....Mordor fashion! It reeks of that Elsa Klensch,' said Frodo. ' But I guess its the ring now that we're in his land, that armour .....it felt like I was carrying an oliphaunt.' ' I know what you mean Mr Frodo.' agreed Sam. Frodo suddenly looked disgusted. ' You slept with that oliphaunt !' Frodo accused. ' No,' protested an injured Sam.' I don't actively fancy orc get up either, if thats what you're trying to say.' Presently, they marched for a few hours until they came across a pair of orcs arguing heatedly among themselves. ' Sam,' whispered Frodo. ' You go and talk with them.' He looked at his master. ' I know...I know,' said Frodo ' But your westrons poor enough for them to understand. Now go !' Somewhat miffed, he approach the Orcs.' Excuse me my dear gentl.....' Suddenly he felt a sharp pain from behind as Frodo kicked his ankle. ' GARN !' Sam yelled. Suddenly the two orcs turned. ' I was wondering if you would kindly point us as to the whereabouts of the mountain.' he asked, somewhat sheepishly as he winced from the pain. ' The fire mount'n?' they asked in unison. ' That's right.' said Sam. ' That's off-limits, what'd you wanna go there for?' they demanded. Sam racked his mind for answers. ' We hears that its got healing properties.....no its got properties that are good for the skin. See how smooth my arms are.' The Orcs dutifully admired them with a very audible "ooh". ' It's yonder there,' they said, pointing northeast.' Can our skins clear up o'er there?' ' Well not on the mount'n itself, y'see there are these cracks....' Suddenly he felt another blow from behind. ' But sorry fellas not today or tomorrow, we've booked the mountain in advance, y'see it ain't available for the week what with the bother of gettin' there and all....next time maybe ?' ' Maybe.....maybe we have a mind to take the two of you for rugs,' they growled ' While we enjoys the therapy ourselves.' They turn their swords on them. Frodo and Sam gulped. Suddenly the wind direction changed and there was a crack in the clouds above. A thin stream of light filtered through and the orcs were temporarily blinded. ' Quick Sam, nows our chance,' cried Frodo, and they charged forward slaying the orcs with clean strokes from their swords. ' Thank Kodak(Product Placement),' Sam sighed. 'This is no time for commercial messages, we've got to move on.' said Frodo, a bit worried. Using the directions the orcs gave them, they made their way northeast and soon they were at the foot of the mountain. It loomed above them and to a 4 feet hobbit, it looked impossibly high. Frodo smiled at Sam. ' Well, aren't you gonna carry me up,' he asked, and made ready to climb onto Sam before falling flat on his face. Frodo looked up at Sam angrily and he whipped out a sheath of papers. ' Look, it's in the script.' Sam took the sheath and examined it. " carry him.......it breaks your back," Sam threw up the sheath in disgust. But he pondered over the earlier passages and he highlighted it to Frodo. ' It says you've got to crawl first,' Sam pointed. ' How far?' Frodo asked. ' mmm.......10 metres ( It was actually 2),' said Sam simply. Frodo whistled, and he got down all fours. At 14 metres, Sam relieved him. Like a hobbit child he scrambled onto his back. Surprisingly Sam found his burden to be light. Frodo smirked. ' I knew that extra load from Bag-End would do you some good !' Sam grunted and continued on the journey upwards. Frodo soon found himself dozing off. Gollum reappeared and made monkey faces much to the annoyance of Sam. ' Leave him be,' said a bleary Frodo. ' Unless you want to jump into the fire yourself.' They got to the entrance and Frodo got off. ' I won't be long,' he said. It'll just be like taking out the trash. Watch out for that Gollum and don't let him come near me unless he takes a bath.' He disappeared into the chamber. At the entrance, Sam was taking in the scenery about him when suddenly his eyes rested on the great tower, and he wondered what it would be like if he could build a hobbit hole of that magnitude...... a slimy figure from behind struck him out cold. In the chamber, he took out the ring and curses, he had left the script with Sam ! Never mind Frodo, he said to himself, you can do this. With a deep voice that was almost a falsetto: I HAVE COME........ A hiss and he turned, Gollum!! 'Ssss, si.......gives me the rings.' He hissed. ' Well, I wasn't thinking about getting engaged, not for a long time though,' said Frodo, matter-of-factly. ' The rings....The RING,' growled Gollum, with some degree of effort. ' Alright.....alright,' he said ' Just don't come near me ok?' Doloriously, he slipped the ring off, but Gollum could not wait a moment longer and he pushed Frodo aside to grab it. As Frodo fell, his head struck a rock and he was unconscious. Gollum lifted his prize gloating and prancing about the cave gleefully. ' Oh my precious, precious, precious..... ' he nearly swallowed it as he showered it with kisses. Meanwhile, the ring suddenly blazed alight so near as it was to the place where it was made; and it grew hot. ' Ouch,' cried Gollum, and he juggled the ring between hands before finally casting it into the gulf of doom. ' Nasty rings,' he hissed. ' Never did like it anyways.' The gulf roared and boiled as Frodo slowly came to. He thought he saw Sam standing before him at Bywater on the way to Crickhollow. He chided him. ' You smell of piss and beer, go take a dive if you want to continue the rest of the journey.' Gollum, stung by these words, turned towards the chasm, and leapt in. His dying wail: Good graciouuss ! Away in the Dark Tower, the Dark Lord was just settling down for tea when to his horror he saw his form disintergrate before him and with a dying wisp he wondered why he did not bother posting guards at the Sammath Naurs' entrance. Sam carried Frodo out, before the lava came belching forth. They were outside. ' Well Sam, that's how it ends.' said Frodo ' And I get to keep Bag-End !' cried Sam. Frodo nodded, and in his mind he was already thinking of his dream California house by the sea. But unaware to him, the California house was built over unstable soil and it would be within days of moving in that he found himself swept out to sea. ' Well Sam,' he asked.' Is this the pick-up point?' ' Yep.' Sam answered. Suddenly from over the western horizon, two dark objects came hurtling towards them. Not far away it landed and they rushed towards it. It was two roast turkeys still steaming hot. Attached to one was a note. It read: Will be here to pick you up in a day or two, meanwhile these are your rations for the hols. Cheerio, Gandalf. Frodo turned to strangle Sam. The End Harry.........Happy Thanksgiving.