From: "O. Sharp" Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Fear And Loathing in Middle-Earth Date: 24 Jun 2000 18:26:48 GMT Organization: And Eowyn After Barbara Streisand's Autograph? Lines: 58 Message-ID: <8j2uh8$sg8$1@slb7.atl.mindspring.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: c7.b7.09.72 User-Agent: tin/pre-1.4-19990517 ("Psychonaut") (UNIX) (SunOS/4.1.4 (sun4m)) Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!codeine.org!grolier!freenix!sunqbc.risq.qc.ca!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.gtei.net!firehose.mindspring.com!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:22224 (Result of my completely misplacing a quote given in the "Gandolf vs. Balrog" thread. Sometimes I think most of my material is inspired by accident. Thanks and apologies to H.S. Thompson.) ...But that was some other Age of the World, burned out and long gone from the brutish realities of this foul year of the Third Age, 3017. A lot of things had changed in those years. And now I was in Gondor as the sports editor of this fine slick magazine that had sent me out here in the Great Red Shark for some reason that nobody claimed to understand. "Just check it out," they said, "and we'll take it from there..." Indeed. Check it out. But when we finally arrived at the Inn at Minas Tirith Gandalf was unable to cope artfully with the registration procedure. We were forced to stand in line with all the others - which proved to be extremely difficult under the circumstances. I kept telling myself: "Be quiet, be calm, say nothing... speak only when spoken to: name, rank and support of Gondor, nothing else, ignore this terrible drug, pretend it's not happening..." There is no way to explain the terror I felt when I finally lunged up to the clerk and began talking. All my well-rehearsed lines fell apart under that woman's stony glare. "Hi there," I said. "My name is... ah, Raoul Strider... yes, _royalty,_ that's for sure. Free lunch, final wisdom, total coverage... why not? I have a wizard with me and I realize of course that _he_ is not royalty, but we _must_ have that suite, yes, this man is actually my _driver_. We brought this Red Shark all the way from Rivendell and now it's time for Ithilien, right? Yes. Just check the list and you'll see. Don't worry. What's the score here? What's next?" The woman never blinked. "Your room's not ready yet," she said. "But there's somebody looking for you." "No!" I shouted. "Why? We haven't _done_ anything yet!" My legs felt rubbery. I gripped the desk and sagged toward her as she held out the scroll, but I refused to accept it. The woman's face was _changing_: swelling, pulsing... horrible black hairs and fangs jutting out, the face of Shelob! Deadly poison! I lunged backwards into Gandalf, who gripped my arm as he reached out to take the scroll. "I'll handle this," he said to the Spider-woman. "This man has a bad heart, but I have plenty of medicine. My name is Doctor Mithrandir. Prepare our suite at once. We'll be in the bar." The woman shrugges as he led me away. In a walled city full of bedrock crazies, nobody even _notices_ the King on acid. We struggled through the crowded lobby and found two stools at the bar. My attorney ordered two cuba libres with beer and _athelas_ on the side, then he read the scroll. "Who's Elladan?" he asked. "He's waiting for us in a room on the twelfth floor." I couldn't remember. Elladan? The name rang a bell, but I couldn't concentrate. Terrible things were happening all around us. Right next to me a Balrog was gnawing on a woman's neck, the carpet was a blood-soaked sponge - impossible to walk on it. "Order some golf shoes," I whispered. "Otherwise, we'll never get out of this place alive. You notice these Balrogs don't have any trouble moving around in this muck - that's because they have _claws_ on their feet." "Balrogs?" Gandalf said. "If you think we're in trouble now, wait till you see what's happening in the elevators..." ----------------------------------------------------------------- ohh@netcom.com Only a matter of time till the Vincent Black Shadows make it into the plot. :) ###### From: buhrger@ecn.ab.ca () Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Re: Fear And Loathing in Middle-Earth Date: 24 Jun 2000 21:47:01 -0700 Organization: Edmonton Community Network Lines: 16 Message-ID: <395580b5@ecn.ab.ca> References: <8j2uh8$sg8$1@slb7.atl.mindspring.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: freenet.edmonton.ab.ca X-Trace: newsfeed.sas.ab.ca 961904827 11090 198.161.206.2 (25 Jun 2000 03:47:07 GMT) X-Complaints-To: news@sas.ab.ca NNTP-Posting-Date: 25 Jun 2000 03:47:07 GMT X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2.6] X-Original-NNTP-Posting-Host: 198.161.206.7 Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!news.maxwell.syr.edu!cyclone.bc.net!rover.ucs.ualberta.ca!sas.ab.ca!ecn.ab.ca!buhrger Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch rec.arts.books.tolkien:22226 O. Sharp (ohh@netcom.com) wrote: : (Result of my completely misplacing a quote given in the "Gandolf vs. : Balrog" thread. Sometimes I think most of my material is inspired by : accident. Thanks and apologies to H.S. Thompson.) ROTFLMAO! -- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Andrew Buhr buhrger@freenet.edmonton.ab.ca Savour the Irony! buhra@infinity.gmcc.ab.ca http://freenet.edmonton.ab.ca/~buhrger