From: inkliing@aol.com (Inkliing)
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Subject: a night at the bridge of khazad dum
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Date: 14 Apr 2000 00:22:58 GMT
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somewhere over the rainbow...

the balrog reached the bridge. gandalf stood in the middle of the span, leaning
on the staff in his left hand, but in his other hand glamdring gleamed, cold
and white. his enemy halted again, facing him, and the shadow about it reached
out like two vast things. it raised the whip, and the thongs whined and
cracked. fire came from its nostrils. but gandalf stood firm.
'and now i'd like to introduce to you all that demon of drollery, the fiend of
funniness,' said gandalf as a dead silence fell and the orcs stood still. the
balrog on the bridge took a bow. 'he put the bane in durin's bane," continued
gandalf, 'and when we all heard he was being honored, everybody, as one,
shouted, "Why?" gandalf paused for a few chuckles before passing the mike to
the evil shadow.
'thanks, gandalf,' hissed the balrog as he took the mike from the wizened, grey
figure. 'let's have a hand for the grey wanderer here, folks - a man who
doesn't drink, gamble, or chase women. In fact, Lloyd's of London once gave
six-to-one that he was dead!' amid scattered applause a loud rim-shot came from
a troll bearing a huge, black drum.
'someday you'll go too far,' joked the wizard, 'and I hope you'll stay there!'
'I can't forget the first time I laid eyes on you,' shot back the balrog, '...
and don't think I havn't tried.'
'Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far,' returned gandalf.
'I like you -I have no taste- but I like you,' parried the demon to scattered
laughter from the orcs within the cavern. 'and I'd like to run into you again -
sometime when you're walking and I'm driving a truck!' general chuckles rose
from the audience accompanied by another rim-shot.
'I understand you throw yourself into everything you undertake,' said the
wizard loudly. 'Please go and dig a deep well!'
"do you know what the difference between us is?,' asked the balrog.
"that you still enjoy it when your mother baths you?,' returned the wizard to
general applause.
'well thanks a hell of a lot!,' shouted the balrog. 'and let me also thank the
band.' he directed everyone's attention to several ogres with electric guitars
amid the drum-bearing trolls. 'let's give it up for the band that inspired that
great saying, "Stop the music!"' clapping and laughter accompanied by a loud
rim-shot. 'a group that actually made a record,' quipped the dark, fiery figure
perched upon the narrow span. 'The only reason it didn't sell is that they
forgot to put a hole in the middle!' another rim-shot echoed through the dark
hall.
'you suck!,' shouted a wicked witch from the back of the croud.
the balrog chuckled 'looks like we have a heckler, folks. this woman's dead,
and nobody told her.' he then directed his remarks to the witch. 'I really
think you would look much better in something long and flowing ... say a
river.'
the witch shot back 'yo!, ballroom bomber, if there's never been a suicide in
your family, why don't you break the monotony?' this was received with general
laughter.
'not bad,' said the dark one on the bridge. 'you know, folks, she reminds me
strangely of my wife. some guys have a wife that drives them to drink. I
stopped drinking just so I wouldn't have to see two of her!' another loud
rim-shot echoed through the cavern. 'some people bring happiness wherever they
go. she brings happiness whenever she goes!' more laughter and rim-shots.
'before I met her my motto was "Love thy neighbor." of course, my neighbor was
an 18-year-old hooker!' everyone laughed, including the wicked witch. 'i've
always had trouble with women, though. it all started with my mother. she
wouldn't breast-feed me. she said she like me as a friend. and my wife told me
I was one in a million. after we got married, I found out she was right.
ba-dum-bump!' he motioned for a rim-shot and the trolls obliged. 'i've been
married for 140 years now. well, o.k., that's not exactly right. i've actually
taken the liberty of calculating that in dog years. just the way I feel about
it most of the time. my wife and I don't usually see eye-to eye. take money,
for instance. I wouldn't quite say that she's more materialistic than me, but
payday at my house is like the academy awards. my wife says 'may I have the
envelope, please!"' this was met by laughter and loud applause. 'I told her we
could go anywhere she wanted for our anniversary. she said to take her
somewhere she's never been before, so I took her to the kitchen. we almost got
divorced when I caught her in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it! I
said 'my god, fred, I HAVE to ... but you?' My wife and I considered divorce at
that time, but after pricing lawyers we decided to buy a new car instead! we
tried to spice up our sex-life as well. I now like to have a mirror in the room
when we have sex - I put it under her nose to see if she's breathing!
ba-dum-bump! hey, you guys have been a great audience and i'd really like to
take you all home with me, but I took the last audience home and there's no
more room!' rim-shots, laughter, and applause filled the dark cavern as he
handed the mike back to gandalf.

O.L.