From: prembone@excitebitespam.com (Prembone) Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Unofficial r.a.b.t. FAQ: Short and sweet! Date: Sat, 06 Nov 1999 12:36:23 GMT X-ELN-Insert-Date: Sat Nov 6 04:35:02 1999 X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.11/32.235 Organization: The Rescue Frodo SWAT Team X-Posted-Path-Was: not-for-mail Lines: 122 NNTP-Posting-Host: sdn-ar-005mnminnp247.dialsprint.net X-ELN-Date: 6 Nov 1999 12:31:54 GMT Message-ID: <38241fb2.14940772@news.earthlink.net> Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!newsfeed.berkeley.edu!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!nntp.earthlink.net!posted-from-earthlink!not-for-mail That official FAQ Steuard is posting is WAY too long to bother downloading. Might as well read the History of Middle-earth, Vols. 1-12. ;-) Here's the short, sweet version of Authoritative Answers to all the Burning Questions Tolkien fans have. This FAQ is also posted on the MythTakes site, which you may peruse at http://mythtakes.tsx.org THE UNOFFICIAL R.A.B.T. FAQ Compiled by Prembone Q: What is rec.arts.books.tolkein? A: Non-existent. Q: All right, smartass. What is rec.arts.books.tolkien? A: A sexually-inclusive newsgroup frequented by gay, straight, bi, and equestrian-oriented people who occasionally discuss the works of J. R. R. Tolkien. Q: Who was Tom Bombadil? A: An early incarnation of Elton John. Q: Were Frodo and Sam gay? A: Does it matter? Q: No, really. A: No, really. Q: I heard that Sean Connery is going to play Gandalf in the upcoming LOTR movie. A: Wrong. Gandalf is playing Sean Connery in an upcoming James Bond movie. Q: Why didn't the Eagles drop the Ring into Mount Doom? It would have saved Frodo a lot of trouble. A: It would, but unfortunately the Eagles were busy recording Hotel California and so weren't available at the time of the Quest. Q: What were Hobbits? A: Hairy-footed horny bastards who were not exactly the poster children for Zero Population Growth. Despite their fecundity, they appear to have died out as a distinctive race of human beings. Q: Human beings? I didn't know Hobbits were human! A: Neither did most of their contemporaries. Q: If Hobbits were so horny, how come there's no sex in LOTR? A: Because. Q: Did Frodo and Sam-- A: None of your g.d. business. Q: --live forever in the Blessed Realm? A: Oh. No, they did not live forever in the Blessed Realm. Frodo sailed back to Middle-earth and set up shop as the night manager of the Hobbiton Convenience Mart. It is said that he and Sam set out together in old age to sail from the Grey Havens, but upon reaching the Havens they died in each others' arms, and from their graves grew two olive trees, side by side, whose branches entwined and flourished, an everlasting testament to those upon whom the gods smile. But Frodo and Sam themselves were stone dead. Q: O. K. Sex, death -- defecation. Did they have toilets in Middle-earth? A: Does a Beorning shit in the woods? Q: In what shape were Elf ears? A: Not very good. As Q-tips had yet to be invented, Elf ears tended to be rather waxy. Q: Did the Ents ever find the Entwives? A: Yes, whereupon the Entwives set out in search of a better hiding place. Q: Did Merry and Pippin pass on their exceptional height to their children? A: There were no children born to Merry and Pippin. [NOTE: ~~THINK~~ about that one before you post a protest.] Q: Did Frodo and Sam-- A: Try asking a real question, something substantial, something worthy of hours of contemplation and discussion. Q: Do balrogs have wings? A: Get a life. Q: But, really, now. Were Frodo and Sam gay? A: Get a life. Q: But, really-- A: I'm out of here. "I **really** wish I'd burnt the Red Book." -- Frodo's Ghost MythTakes: Tolkien Parody http://mythtakes.tsx.org Ole and Sven and the Lutefisk of Doom http://olesven.tsx.org ###### From: "Bunk13" References: <38241fb2.14940772@news.earthlink.net> Subject: Re: Unofficial r.a.b.t. FAQ: Short and sweet! Date: Sat, 6 Nov 1999 09:35:10 -0800 Lines: 11 X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2314.1300 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2314.1300 Message-ID: <#cokSzHK$GA.367@cpmsnbbsa05> Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!newsfeed-zh.ip-plus.net!news.ip-plus.net!News.Amsterdam.UnisourceCS!newspeer.te.net!news.indigo.ie!news-out.cwix.com!newsfeed.cwix.com!cpmsnbbsa04!cpmsnbbsa05 Prembone wrote in her r.a.b.t. FAQ Very nice Prembone, I'm still chuckling. It may be a while before MM posts a link though... RRb ###### From: prembone@excitebitespam.com (Prembone) Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Re: Unofficial r.a.b.t. FAQ: Short and sweet! Date: Sun, 07 Nov 1999 06:36:11 GMT X-ELN-Insert-Date: Sat Nov 6 22:35:02 1999 References: <38241fb2.14940772@news.earthlink.net> <#cokSzHK$GA.367@cpmsnbbsa05> X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.11/32.235 Organization: The Rescue Frodo SWAT Team X-Posted-Path-Was: not-for-mail Lines: 21 NNTP-Posting-Host: sdn-ar-006mnminnp265.dialsprint.net X-ELN-Date: 7 Nov 1999 06:31:43 GMT Message-ID: <38251db0.1702638@news.earthlink.net> Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!isdnet!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news.idt.net!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!nntp.earthlink.net!posted-from-earthlink!not-for-mail On Sat, 6 Nov 1999 09:35:10 -0800, "Bunk13" wrote: > >Prembone wrote in her r.a.b.t. FAQ > > > >Very nice Prembone, I'm still chuckling. It may be a while before MM posts >a link though... Actually, he **did** link MythTakes and RescueFrodo to his Tolkien links page, which I appreciated. Kind of makes me think I should get on the ball with updating my own rather sparse links page on MythTakes.... All Homage To The Elton!!! The Elton John Worship Page - NEW URL http://eltonworship.virtualave.net