From: "Fazz" Newsgroups: alt.out-of-body Subject: The alternative netiquette quide Date: Sat, 21 Oct 2000 11:35:45 +0100 Organization: Customer of Energis Squared Lines: 174 Message-ID: <8srrhh$t40$1@news8.svr.pol.co.uk> NNTP-Posting-Host: modem-160.heniochus.dialup.pol.co.uk X-Trace: news8.svr.pol.co.uk 972124529 29824 62.137.26.160 (21 Oct 2000 10:35:29 GMT) NNTP-Posting-Date: 21 Oct 2000 10:35:29 GMT X-Complaints-To: abuse@theplanet.net X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2014.211 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2014.211 Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news.nextra.ch!news1.sunrise.ch!news.imp.ch!fr.clara.net!small.fr.clara.net!skynet.be!diablo.theplanet.net!news.theplanet.net!newspost.theplanet.net!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch alt.out-of-body:55576 I took the liberty of reposting Clive Martins original post from alt.humor.best-of-usenet: Subject: How to tell if you're an internet twit From: Clive Martin Newsgroups: uk.people.disability, uk.misc The recent and ongoing entertaining discussions between regulars of uk.misc and uk.p.d have tempted me too far. I provide an alternative netiquette guide below: Posting Dos and don'ts Do always post at the top! Some of you may have software problems or disabilities which make this necessary. Others may not. It doesn't matter. Just post at the top anyway. Others on these newsgroup thingies may complain - ignore them! Top posting allows for the exchange of statements, without any need for discussion. And that's what these group things are for. Do argue "ad hominem" If you don't like the content of what other people are saying, do attack them personally. It's particularly good form to allege that they are a paedophile (nobody really minds this), or to allege that they said something that they didn't in the past (there's no way of checking). Do accuse people of being Nazis When you don't like what people say, call them a Nazi, or a fascist, or the Gestapo, or say something like "Hitler was more reasonable than you". Some people may not like this, and even start saying "Godwin" all over the place. Ignore them (they're Nazis!). Do criticise other peoples .sig files A .sig file is the bit at the end, after the "-- ". People only put them in to rile you personally. It's good form to criticise people for them. Ignore other groups included in cross posts Some articles are sent to several groups at the same time. Most newsreaders will tell you if the article you are reading, or replying to, is posted to other groups. You don't need to worry about this. After all, you are reading the article in, say, uk.p.d. - that's the important thing. Stuff the rest of 'em. The only time you need worry about it is if you feel the need to say something funny, then it's worth checking. For example, jokes about Jews go down best if the article is also crossposted to soc.culture.jewish.holocaust, ones about thick Irish people if the article is crossposted to soc.culture.irish. Do laugh and grin a lot. LOL or lol means laughs out loud. You can't overuse this. It also means you can be as offensive as you like and nobody will mind. So, for example, "you're just a thick Irish Nazi paedophile lol" is fine (particularly if crossposted to soc.culture.irish!). If you get a bit bored with it you can use instead. Do complain if other people are rude Some people are rude. They may use swear words, or barely disguised ones like "sh*t". This is regrettable but true. Complain to their service provider, who will throw them off usenet at once. It's also a good idea to be profoundly offended, and here's the clever bit, - on behalf of someone else. For example, "I don't mind you calling me a f***wit, but my 107 year old grandmother/4 year old child regularly reads this group and will be very upset". Do play the disability card If you feel you are losing an argument, play the disability card. For example, "OK, so you may think you've proved that the earth is round, you Nazi paedophile, but I'm in constant pain/very ill/overwhelmed by problems in my life, so I'm not going to explain to you why it's flat, at the moment." This always wins the argument. Do claim personal superiority It will really establish your credentials with other posters if you tell them that you've got an IQ of 200 or more. It may be best not to say that you found this out by filling in a quiz on the back of a Cornflakes packet. Or you can say "I know I'm right, because I'm older than you" or "I know I'm right, because I've got a degree and you haven't". This always wins the argument. Do refer to the display on your machine Most newsreaders are much the same, as are most service providers and news feeds. So, if you, Fred and Jane are all having a discussion or, rather, making statements about something you can say something like "that's what Jane said in the third post down in the thread above this one". Everyone will understand what you're referring to. Do post using .html if you can Some more modern newsreaders do allow you to post in .html. If you can, do it. Posts in .html are much prettier! Do post in capital letters You'll find it easier sometimes to post in capital letters. One advantage of this is that you don't have to worry about capital letters for sentences and proper names. It's also much easier to read. For example, "YOU ARE AN OFFENSIVE THICK PAEDOPHILE NAZI MORON, I HAVE A HIGHER IQ THAN YOU, I AM REPORTING YOU TO YOUR SERVICE PROVIDER FOR SWEARING, BUT I CANNOT PROVE THE WORLD IS FLAT TO YOU ONLY BECAUSE I'M NOT FEELING TOO WELL TO-DAY." Don't look at archives. Some people claim they go to places like www.deja.com and check what people actually said in past posts. Even if this could be done, it would be completely over the top and unnecessary. Just say "Don't be so anally retentive, you Nazi paedophile!". Don't allow your newsreader to do quote thingies. Most newsreaders, when you say you want to reply to a post, put those quote thingies ">" all over the post you are replying to. This is supposed to make it easier to tell who said what. Override this. It's much more fun if you put in your own thingies, like the odd >>>>>>>>, scattered around. Don't snip! Some people cut out a lot of the previous text, sometimes putting or something like that to show where they've done so. This is bad form. Particularly if you post correctly on top, it's much easier to just to reply using all of the original text, even if it is hundreds of lines long. Your readers otherwise can't know what you are making a statement about. Don't read other peoples posts! Usenet is what is known as a "write only medium". That's a fancy way of saying that, even if you read what other people are saying at all, it's only really necessary to skim read it. Then just post whatever comes into your head as a reply (at the top!). Replying with those horrible quote thingies, answering people's points one by one, is only done by anally retentive Nazi paedophiles lol! Don't think before you post! Posts on usenet are not kept anywhere (I've already told you to ignore that deja stuff). You know this is true, because if you set your newsreader up right the posts go anyway after a few days, don't they? So people won't remember what you said anyway, will they? It's best to get really riled by something someone says then dash off a reply "in hot blood". You won't regret it later! Don't be fooled by RFCs RFC stands for Really Funny Comments. Years ago, a group of practical jokers started posting these "rules" about how you should post. Unfortunately, like those hoax virus warnings, lots of people still take them seriously! If someone starts referring to them, you know that person is an internet twit. It's best to keep the joke going by pretending that they're real. It's funnier still if you start telling other people to do things on the basis of RFC numbers you have made up! For example, "actually, the reason my .sig file is 43 lines long and contains ASCII art of all of my pet lizards is that RFC 4037 makes this mandatory"!. Useful definitions: .sig file Something people put at the end of their posts to wind you up. abuse of the net Other people using rude words, something you complain about to service providers. crossposting [1] Posting when you feel really cross - this is a good idea, remember not to think before you post [2] Posts sent to more than one group - remember the other groups are irrelevant off topic Something other people do. When you are "on the net", and are posting on a particular topic, you are "on topic". Other people sometimes post off topic. This is a posting about a topic which upsets you (the derivation is a topic which p***es you off). HTH