Sender: lynn@LYNNPC Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: Ancient computer humor - Gen A Sys References: <3b223ca0@news.ihot.com> <9g2iim$dtd$1@top.mitre.org> <3b24deec@news.ihot.com> Reply-To: Anne & Lynn Wheeler From: Anne & Lynn Wheeler Message-ID: Organization: Wheeler&Wheeler Lines: 133 User-Agent: Gnus/5.0808 (Gnus v5.8.8) Emacs/20.6 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 16:06:21 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 199.174.228.147 X-Complaints-To: abuse@earthlink.net X-Trace: newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net 992275581 199.174.228.147 (Mon, 11 Jun 2001 09:06:21 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 09:06:21 PDT X-Received-Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 09:04:19 PDT (newsmaster1.prod.itd.earthlink.net) Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!news-fra1.dfn.de!news-koe1.dfn.de!news-was.dfn.de!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!feed2.news.rcn.net!rcn!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!newsmaster1.prod.itd.earthlink.net!newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net.POSTED!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch alt.folklore.computers:83319 "Jim Mehl" writes: > Joe, glad you enjoyed it. That same box in my garage has some other > gems, which I will try to scan and clean up as I find the time.Just looking > at the titles we have "The Rime of the Ancient Programmer", "The Ballad > of the 1401", and "The Moment 'Fore Abend". GEN A SYS Jay G. Elkes (CLOAD magazine, July 1979) In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form and void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence. "I be" he said, then to correct his grammar added "am." If the Lord had decided to work on irregular verb con- jugation first this wouldn't have happened. God would later curse the English language for its part, but in that moment I. B. M. came into being. The Lord looked out upon the I. B. M He had created and said "This is good." That's what He said, but he shook his head, wondered what the boys at the User Group would say, split the light from the dark and went to bed. Thus passed the Beginning and the end of the first day. On the second day, the Lord summoned I. B. M. unto His presence. "There is chaos out there, and the Uni- verse is without form and void. I must correct this and I can use your help, is there anything you can do for me?" "I can take care of form." I. B. M. replied. "Put me in charge of computers and I will take care of form for you." The Lord thought that this was good and said "Let there be computers. Let I. B. M. have my powers of crea- tion that pertain to computers and form." Thus saying, the Lord went off to His second day's work while I. B. M. created the 1401. On the third day, while the Lord was out, I. B. M. decided to subdivide the assigned task. "Let there be systems that make the computer work and let them be called Operating Systems. Let there also be systems that make use of the computer and let them be called Application Systems." Thus, there came into being both Operating Systems and Application Systems, but there were no programmers. The next morning I. B. M. had to give the Lord a status report. "What did you do yesterday?" the Lord asked. "I invented the operating system" I. B. M. replied. "You did?" the Lord shuddered. "Oh dear." "Yes I did," I. B. M. confirmed, "but I find I need something only you can provide." "And what is that?" "I need programmers to use my computers, to operate my operating system and to apply my applica- tions." "That can't be done now," said the Lord. "This is only the fourth day and there won't be people until the sixth day." "I need programmers and I need them now. If they can't be people they can't be people, but we have to work this out today." "Give me some specifications and I'll see what I can do." I. B. M. hastily worked up specs for programmers (are specs ever anything other than hasty) and the Lord reviewed them. The Lord knew the specs weren't sufficient but followed them anyway. He also made some pro- grammers that did just what programmers were supposes to do, just to spite I. B. M. The programmers and I. B. M. spent the rest of the day creating the Assembler and FORTRAN. On the morning of the fifth day, I. B. M. reported to the Lord once again. "The programmers you created for me have a problem. They want a programming language that is easy to use and similar to English. I told them you had cursed English, though I still don't know why. They wanted me to ask your indulgence on this." The Lord had cursed English for good reason, but didn't want to explain this to I. B. M. He said "let there be COBOL" and that was that. On the status report of the next day I. B. M. announced that computers had gone forth and multi- plied. Unfortunately, the computers still weren't big enough or fast enough to do what the programmers wanted. The Lord liked the idea of going forth and multiplying, and used the line Himself later on that day. This sixth day being particularly busy, He declared "Let there be MVS" and there was MVS. On the seventh day God had finished creation and computers had COBOL and MVS. The Lord and I. B. M. took the day off to go fishing. I. B. M. hung a sign on the door to help programmers in his absence. IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY TRY AGAIN - AND HAVE THE FOLLOWING READY BEFORE CALLING I. B. M. This was the start, and by some accounts the end, of I. B. M. documentation. On the start of the second week the programmers went over I. B. M.'s cathode ray tube directly to God. "We have a horrible problem," they complained. "Our users want systems that perform according to their expectations." "Users!" the Lord bellowed. "Who said that you should have users! Users are the difference between good and bad applications, a function I have reserved unto myself! Who authorized you to have users?" "Well, I. B. M..." "I. B. M.! You! You did this to my programmers! You gave them knowledge of good and evil. For that you shall suffer through eternity!" "Let there be competition. Let it be called Anacom, and Burroughs, and C.D.C." The Lord went through the alphabet several times. "With all this competition you shall still suffer the pain of antitrust legislation all the days of your existence." This was the start of the second week, and it seems an appropriate place to conclude our report. In case you missed something, a summary of key points follows. Users and their needs are and always have been a subject of dispute. Nobody can learn English because it is cursed by God. I. B. M. manuals are doubly cursed and therefore twice as hard to understand. Of the program- ming languages, only COBOL can claim divine origin. People are people, but programmers are something else. Computers may be a gift from heaven, but there's no divine help in getting them to work. Because of I. B. M.'s initial assignment, there are more forms than anyone knows what to do with. Finally, chaos was part of the original state of the Universe and not a product of the data processing industry. -- Anne & Lynn Wheeler | lynn@garlic.com - http://www.garlic.com/~lynn/