From: "Melvin Durai" Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Humor: love bug Lines: 103 X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.71.1712.3 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.71.1712.3 Message-ID: Date: Tue, 9 May 2000 14:52:44 -0400 NNTP-Posting-Host: 64.41.42.205 X-Complaints-To: abuse@onemain.com X-Trace: nntp3.onemain.com 957898608 64.41.42.205 (Tue, 09 May 2000 14:56:48 EDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 09 May 2000 14:56:48 EDT Path: chonsp.franklin.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!isdnet!netnews.com!feeder.qis.net!feed2.onemain.com!feed1.onemain.com!nntp3.onemain.com.POSTED!not-for-mail Xref: chonsp.franklin.ch alt.folklore.computers:55829 MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN "WE COULD ALL USE MORE LOVE" I was excited the other day. Elated, ecstatic, enraptured and all the other e-words. I received an e-mail from a woman I’ve been courting fruitlessly for several months. She’s been resisting my advances, but as soon as I read the subject line of her e-mail, I knew my persistence was finally going to pay off in a big way. The subject line read, "ILOVEYOU." Yes, yes, yes! She’s finally returning my love, I thought. And she’s declaring her feelings in all capital letters, too! That means she’s really serious. Even before I read her full message, I was ready to dash off an e-mail to her, screaming, "ILOVEYOUTOOBABE!" I wanted to send e-mails to all my friends, saying, "I told you so. I knew she’d come around. I knew she wouldn’t wait until I’m the last man on Earth." But when I opened her e-mail, I was crushed. Her "love letter" to me was an attachment carrying a computer virus. It was infecting my computer and deleting some of my files. And even more distressing, it was sending the very same "ILOVEYOU" message to everyone in my address book, including a number of MEN. Talk about a dangerous virus! I had to act quickly. I didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about me. I know how rumors get started. One day I’m telling a bunch of men I love them, the next day I’m receiving flowers from George Michael. Before I know it, Dr. Laura is telling everyone I’m a biological error. Pretty soon, my mother and Dr. Laura are duking it out, setting off World War III. And I’m hiding in a closet with Donato Dalrymple, the fisherman. But what could I do? I thought about calling everyone in my address book and warning them about this destructive virus: "If you get a message from me that says I love you, delete it immediately. I don’t love you. At least not in that way – not in all capital letters. Not in the way that Oprah loves Steadman, Kathie Lee loves Frank, or Donald Trump loves himself." But I didn’t know the phone numbers of everyone in my address book. Some were just strangers who had e-mailed me a joke, wise saying or some other harmless message. And here I was, hardly knowing them, but still telling them, "ILOVEYOU." What would they think? ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: "Hey Maria, check zis out. Zis Durai guy is zaying zat he loves me. Vat a freak. He muz be very desperate. Doesn’t he know zat I’m ze terminator? I’ll hit him zo hard, he'll start speaking like me." BILL CLINTON: "Wow, look at this. I must be more popular than the polls show. I’ve received more than 1,000 ‘ILOVEYOU’ messages today, even one from Hillary. The Republicans -- Bob Dole, John McCain, George W. Bush -- they all love me. I wonder what they want. I don’t care what they say, Elian is going back to Cuba." You’ve probably guessed that I didn’t really receive the infamous "ILOVEYOU" e-mail, which caused billions of dollars in damage worldwide. But if I had, I would have opened the attachment. Like thousands of people who fell victim to the love bug, I would have been pleased -- for at least a few seconds -- that someone loves me. Even if that someone was a man. It’s too bad that it took a virus creator to get so many people to say, "ILOVEYOU." -------------------------------------------------------- Melvin Durai is a Shippensburg, Pa.-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. For a free subscription to one of America's most amusing and thought-provoking columns, send a blank message to durai-humor-on@mail-list.com Read previous columns at http://www.Humor.Melvin.com