From: Ian Stirling <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: YKYBHTL... Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 21:51:02 +0100 Organization: None. Message-ID: <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> References: <6s2ati$br6$1@newshost.comnet.co.nz> <08l6s6.1eo.ln@mother.home> <35E8CB33.7B96@dusknet.dyn.ml.org> <6scdgd$d9n$2@nnrp02.primenet.com> X-Trace: mail2news.demon.co.uk 904658588 mail2news:2930 mail2news mail2news.demon.co.uk X-Complaints-To: abuse@demon.net X-Mail2News-Path: news.demon.net!post-12.mail.demon.net!post.mail.demon.net![158.152.209.66]!mauve.demon.co.uk User-Agent: tin/pre-1.4-971106 (UNIX) (Linux/2.0.34 (i586)) X-Note: Anti-UCE in effect, replying should work if you are not UCE'ng X-Warning0: For unsolicited commercial email, sent or causing to be sent to my email address X-Warning1: on this message, I reserve the right to levy a charge for my time and expenses X-Warning2: of up to 100 pounds sterling per message, plus legal, penalty or other costs. Lines: 34 Path: ccw.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!hekla.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!news.maxwell.syr.edu!newsfeed.nacamar.de!dispose.news.demon.net!demon!news.demon.co.uk!demon!mail2news.demon.co.uk!not-for-mail Nick S Bensema wrote: : In article , : Ron Hunsinger wrote: :>In article <35E8CB33.7B96@dusknet.dyn.ml.org>, Jeff Teunissen :> wrote: :> :>> Of course, 64-bit time_t still makes quite a bit of sense, considering :>> it won't roll over until January of 584,942,415,353. Does anyone really :>> think humans will be around by that time? :) :> :>No, but COBOL will. : I wondered about that point a few months ago in my COBOL class... nobody : in the classroom seemed to be remotely prepared for the implication that : the code we maintain will still be working 500 years from now. : I just hope that by that time, Object-Oriented COBOL has passed as a fad. Hmm, finally, a good reason to wake up people that have got themselves frozen... "Hello, we've woken you up, and given you a new body, now, can you fix our payroll system?" -- See http://www.mauve.demon.co.uk/ |Linux PDA, cheap electronics/PC bits sale. See_header,_for_UCE_policy___________|_____________________________Ian_Stirling. The fight between good and evil, an epic battle. Darth vader and Luke, suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth pulls Luke to him, and whispers "I know what you'r getting for christmas!" Luke exclaims "But how ??!?" "It's true Luke, I know what you'r getting for christmas" Luke tries to ignore this, but wrenches himself free, yelling "How could you know this?", Vader replies "I felt your presents" ###### Date: 01 Sep 98 10:51:40 -0800 From: "Charlie Gibbs" Subject: Re: YKYBHTL... References: <6s2ati$br6$1@newshost.comnet.co.nz> <08l6s6.1eo.ln@mother.home> <35E8CB33.7B96@dusknet.dyn.ml.org> <6scdgd$d9n$2@nnrp02.primenet.com> <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> Message-ID: <961.548T2023T6515608@sky.bus.com> Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Lines: 28 X-Newsreader: THOR 2.5a (Amiga;TCP/IP) NNTP-Posting-Host: news.skybus.com Path: ccw.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news.belnet.be!news-raspail.gip.net!news-peer.gip.net!news.gsl.net!gip.net!news-peer.sprintlink.net!news-backup-west.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!204.244.4.2!news.westel.com!news.skybus.com!204.244.247.122 In article <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> 000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk (Ian Stirling) writes: >Nick S Bensema wrote: > >: I just hope that by that time, Object-Oriented COBOL has passed >: as a fad. > >Hmm, finally, a good reason to wake up people that have got themselves >frozen... > >"Hello, we've woken you up, and given you a new body, now, can you >fix our payroll system?" ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH! Back when I was maintaining payroll systems (in COBOL and/or assembly language), my image of Hell was to spend all of eternity doing just that: keeping up with never-ending streams of changes mandated by governments, unions, and any other bureaucratic organizations that thrive on ever-increasing complexity. I think you've just come up with the ultimate horror. It would be better to awaken to fire and brimstone than that. -- cgibbs@sky.bus.com (Charlie Gibbs) Remove the first period after the "at" sign to reply. ###### From: genew@vip.net (Gene Wirchenko) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: YKYBHTL... Date: Wed, 02 Sep 1998 00:36:16 GMT Organization: http://www.supernews.com, The World's Usenet: Discussions Start Here Lines: 98 Message-ID: <35ec77c2.24020842@news.vip.net> References: <6s2ati$br6$1@newshost.comnet.co.nz> <08l6s6.1eo.ln@mother.home> <35E8CB33.7B96@dusknet.dyn.ml.org> <6scdgd$d9n$2@nnrp02.primenet.com> <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> <961.548T2023T6515608@sky.bus.com> Reply-To: genew@vip.net NNTP-Posting-Host: 204.209.212.20 X-Trace: 904696422 A01OARAUVD414CCD1C usenet57.supernews.com X-Complaints-To: newsabuse@supernews.com X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.1/32.230 Path: ccw.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news.belnet.be!newspump.monmouth.com!newspeer.monmouth.com!newsfeed.corridex.com!Supernews73!supernews.com!Supernews69!not-for-mail "Charlie Gibbs" wrote: >In article <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> >000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk (Ian Stirling) writes: > >>Nick S Bensema wrote: >> >>: I just hope that by that time, Object-Oriented COBOL has passed >>: as a fad. >> >>Hmm, finally, a good reason to wake up people that have got themselves >>frozen... >> >>"Hello, we've woken you up, and given you a new body, now, can you >>fix our payroll system?" > >ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH! > >Back when I was maintaining payroll systems (in COBOL and/or >assembly language), my image of Hell was to spend all of eternity >doing just that: keeping up with never-ending streams of changes >mandated by governments, unions, and any other bureaucratic >organizations that thrive on ever-increasing complexity. > >I think you've just come up with the ultimate horror. It would >be better to awaken to fire and brimstone than that. I saved this earlier from someone who had also done the same: There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere. "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL." Sincerely, Gene Wirchenko Computerese Irregular Verb Conjugation: I have preferences. You have biases. He/She has prejudices. ###### Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers From: engebret@sg1.cr.usgs.gov (Chris Engebretson) Subject: Re: YKYBHTL... X-Nntp-Posting-Host: sg1.cr.usgs.gov Message-ID: Sender: news@igsrsparc2.er.usgs.gov (Janet Walz (GD) x6739) Reply-To: engebret@sg1.cr.usgs.gov Organization: Raytheon STX Corporation X-Newsreader: xrn 9.01 References: <6s2ati$br6$1@newshost.comnet.co.nz> <08l6s6.1eo.ln@mother.home> <35E8CB33.7B96@dusknet.dyn.ml.org> <6scdgd$d9n$2@nnrp02.primenet.com> <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> <961.548T2023T6515608@sky.bus.com> <35ec77c2.24020842@news.vip.net> Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 13:45:47 GMT Lines: 49 Path: ccw.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news.belnet.be!news-raspail.gip.net!news-peer.gip.net!news.gsl.net!gip.net!newshub.northeast.verio.net!ptdnetP!newsgate.ptd.net!news1.radix.net!news.er.usgs.gov!sg1.cr.usgs.gov!engebret In article <35ec77c2.24020842@news.vip.net>, genew@vip.net (Gene Wirchenko) writes: [ snip ] |> "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody |> so interested in me?" |> |> "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the |> corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL." There is, I think, an obvious Stanley Kubrick-esque ending to this story, which involves the Prime Minister and his underlings going to Jack's office to check up on his work. Examining his files, they discover several multi-megabyte source files, at which point they figure that Jack's been very busy indeed! However, upon examination of the source files, they find that all of them contain the same sinister phrase, over and over: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. At this point, Jack crashes through the wall with a newly-sharpened fire axe, sticks his head through the hole and shouts a blood- curdling "Heeeeere's Johnny!" Fade to black, with the sounds of shouting and stomach-churning "hacking" noises in the background. This might make a good public-service announcement. Regards, -- Chris Engebretson - Raytheon STX Corporation | Ph#: (605)594-6829 USGS EROS Data Center, Sioux Falls, SD 57198 | Fax: (605)594-6940 http://edcwww.cr.usgs.gov/ mailto:engebret@sg1.cr.usgs.gov Opinions are not those of Raytheon Systems Company or the USGS. ###### From: "JugHead" Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: YKYBHTL... Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 23:21:26 -0400 Organization: RCN Internet Lines: 7 Message-ID: <6sl2jq$gq1$1@winter.news.erols.com> References: <6s2ati$br6$1@newshost.comnet.co.nz> <08l6s6.1eo.ln@mother.home> <35E8CB33.7B96@dusknet.dyn.ml.org> <6scdgd$d9n$2@nnrp02.primenet.com> <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> <961.548T2023T6515608@sky.bus.com> <35ec77c2.24020842@news.vip.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: 207-172-240-203.s12.as4.bsd.erols.com X-Trace: winter.news.erols.com 904793530 17217 207.172.240.203 (3 Sep 1998 03:32:10 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@rcn.com X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.71.1712.3 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.71.1712.3 Path: ccw.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!newscore.univie.ac.at!news-raspail.gip.net!news-peer.gip.net!news.gsl.net!gip.net!howland.erols.net!master.news.rcn.net!not-for-mail All work and no beer make Homer go crazy All work and no beer make Homer go crazy.... A classic twist...(if youve seen the episode, you know what I mean) -JugHead ###### From: hnsngr@sirius.com (Ron Hunsinger) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: YKYBHTL... Date: Thu, 03 Sep 1998 07:12:46 -0700 Organization: ErsteSoft Lines: 26 Message-ID: References: <6s2ati$br6$1@newshost.comnet.co.nz> <08l6s6.1eo.ln@mother.home> <35E8CB33.7B96@dusknet.dyn.ml.org> <6scdgd$d9n$2@nnrp02.primenet.com> <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> <961.548T2023T6515608@sky.bus.com> <35ec77c2.24020842@news.vip.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp-asft01--014.sirius.net Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.3.1 Path: ccw.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!news.maxwell.syr.edu!newsfeed.berkeley.edu!news-xfer.geo.net!newshub.sirius.com!newsfiler.sirius.com!hnsngr In article , engebret@sg1.cr.usgs.gov wrote: > However, upon examination of the source files, they find that all > of them contain the same sinister phrase, over and over: > > All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play > makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull > boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and > no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a > dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work > and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes > Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. > All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play > makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull > boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and > no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a > dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work > and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes > Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Line after line of very repetitious English-like text, eh? Yup. That's COBOL all right. Jack has been busy. And he's no crazier than any other COBOL programmer. -Ron Hunsinger ###### From: hshubs@mindspring.com (Howard S Shubs) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: YKYBHTL... Date: Thu, 03 Sep 1998 23:07:36 -0500 Organization: MindSpring Enterprises Lines: 11 Message-ID: References: <6s2ati$br6$1@newshost.comnet.co.nz> <35E8CB33.7B96@dusknet.dyn.ml.org> <6scdgd$d9n$2@nnrp02.primenet.com> <35eccea7.46268640@news.vip.net> <3qfH1.36$G87.284911@NewsRead.Toronto.iSTAR.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: user-38lcgmd.dialup.mindspring.com X-Server-Date: 4 Sep 1998 04:07:02 GMT X-Newsreader: MT-NewsWatcher 2.4.4 X-Face: "S"r{U%bs].&Ud}Pc~~~0a]M:t5l>>EN\1Faw10M9NK1Xq59wo7-"s0S+[{etQorO /Nf-Ci"i9v'MT!R8)J]N[4|2&x1r^Iq&{SB"6dknr0=+6UFb.>+{zMn_1=rw&/V+"d@* ZS5\LoW_ Path: ccw.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!news.maxwell.syr.edu!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!firehose.mindspring.com!hshubs In article , hnsngr@sirius.com (Ron Hunsinger) wrote: >Why was it called FIFTY-EIGHT instead of LINES-PER-PAGE or something like >that? Dunno. I wasn't there. Prolly from an old COBOL programmer who didn't like a requirement to use identifiers for constants. From what you've described, subsequent events proved the need for such a requirement. -- Howard S Shubs The Denim Adept ###### From: tph@longhorn.uucp (Tom Harrington) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: YKYBHTL... Date: 9 Sep 1998 16:30:18 GMT Organization: Mechanist Industries Lines: 57 Message-ID: <6t6aeq$nqu4@eccws1.dearborn.ford.com> References: <6s2ati$br6$1@newshost.comnet.co.nz> <08l6s6.1eo.ln@mother.home> <35E8CB33.7B96@dusknet.dyn.ml.org> <6scdgd$d9n$2@nnrp02.primenet.com> <000035EB0CB6.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk> <961.548T2023T6515608@sky.bus.com> <35ec77c2.24020842@news.vip.net> Reply-To: tph@rmi.net NNTP-Posting-Host: cs0053.eld.ford.com X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] Path: ccw.ch!pfaff.ethz.ch!news-zh.switch.ch!news-ge.switch.ch!news.maxwell.syr.edu!newsxfer3.itd.umich.edu!jobone!dailyplanet.srl.ford.com!eccws1.dearborn.ford.com!longhorn!tph Chris Engebretson (engebret@sg1.cr.usgs.gov) wrote: : However, upon examination of the source files, they find that all : of them contain the same sinister phrase, over and over: : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play Given that he was writing in COBOL, shouldn't it be: ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. ALL-WORK-AND-NO-PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL-BOY. : At this point, Jack crashes through the wall with a newly-sharpened : fire axe, sticks his head through the hole and shouts a blood- : curdling "Heeeeere's Johnny!" And then he hits the Big Red Switch without saving his work. : Fade to black, with the sounds of : shouting and stomach-churning "hacking" noises in the background. : This might make a good public-service announcement. This is your brain. This is your brain on COBOL. Any questions? Or even better: "Friends don't let friends program in COBOL." -- Tom Harrington --------- tph@rmii.com -------- http://rainbow.rmii.com/~tph "Welcome to the real world - an interesting place to visit, but I refuse to live there." -Andy Rozmiarek Cookie's Revenge: ftp://ftp.rmi.net/pub2/tph/cookie/cookies-revenge.sit.hqx ###### [A long subthread about COBOL snipped]