The Motorwash

It's getting late and I can't get the washing machine started, and all the time it's getting darker and darker and I realise that if I don't get this thing started I'm never going to get home in time for Melrose Place, and if that happens I'll never know what the hell the blonde woman with the short hair whose name I don't know is wearing. And my flatmates will laugh at me too for trading in my old car on washing machine, but they don't think of the fuel economy, and besides, by the time I get to work my clothes are all sparkling white, which is a bit of a bummer considering they were blue when I left, but what the hell you can't have everything and sometimes even nothing is coming out ahead. Eventually I hot-wire the spin cycle and I'm off on the way home. I get pulled over on the motorway by this cycle cop who doesn't want anything except to swap washing machine stories. What the hell, I pop the lid and show him the agitator and he makes approving noises.
"Two speed 1/4 turn. I used to have one of these babies myself. What it is, a single phase Simpson?" he asks
"Well, it was a single phase but I bored it out to three and got a really long extension lead so I can take it camping.."
"What sort of economy do you get?"
"Well, lets see. I haven't taken measurements since I bored her, but I guess that I'd get a couple of loads to a cup of detergent"
>Pheeee-ew< he whistles appreciatively, which is no less than I expected.
"What's one of these things worth?" he asks
"Well let's see. Original model, no mods probably six rolls of lead shielding and a platinum album. Fully reworked model you're looking at about a map of brazilian coffee plantations, a six-pack of industrial strength sausages, Yoko Ono on a stick, and a 4 gig soft-disk."
"That's quite a lot!" the cop utters
"Damn right, that's why it's best to do the upgrades yourself. Why, the wringer-job alone would cost you a couple of plates of Cauliflower Shred and a bag of Unix manuals!"
"Big bag?"
"The very same"
"4 1 3 if you've got it, maybe solaris 2.1 depending on the revision. Stick to 4.1.3 and you can't go wrong tho"
We part and I kick start the agitator and power off down the motorway. I spot a twin-tub heading the other way with smoke pouring out the drain-pipe, but before I can flag the driver down, it blows a ring seal and spins off into the hard shoulder in flames. Bummer. That's the problem with those things - no load balancing.
I get home and Melrsoe place is half over and I know the flatmates will be sniggering away to themselves like they always do - they just don't recognise a good deal when they see it. I roll on up the driveway, and wouldn't you know it, some bastards taken my park and powerpoint!! There's a chopped down Whiteway in *MY* *PARK*.. I slip round the back of the house and drop the machine into the shed, and go back to my park. I grab a bottle of draino and pour it into the Whiteway, and kick the pump switch in and block up the drain hose. That'll teach them a lesson.
I go inside