It's getting late and I can't get the washing machine started, and all the
time it's getting darker and darker and I realise that if I don't get this
thing started I'm never going to get home in time for Melrose Place, and if
that happens I'll never know what the hell the blonde woman with the short
hair whose name I don't know is wearing. And my flatmates will laugh at
me too for trading in my old car on washing machine, but they don't think of
the fuel economy, and besides, by the time I get to work my clothes are all
sparkling white, which is a bit of a bummer considering they were blue when I
left, but what the hell you can't have everything and sometimes even nothing
is coming out ahead.
Eventually I hot-wire the spin cycle and I'm off on the way home. I get
pulled over on the motorway by this cycle cop who doesn't want anything
except to swap washing machine stories. What the hell, I pop the lid and
show him the agitator and he makes approving noises.
"Two speed 1/4 turn. I used to have one of these babies myself. What it
is, a single phase Simpson?" he asks
"Well, it was a single phase but I bored it out to three and got a really
long extension lead so I can take it camping.."
"What sort of economy do you get?"
"Well, lets see. I haven't taken measurements since I bored her, but I guess
that I'd get a couple of loads to a cup of detergent"
>Pheeee-ew< he whistles appreciatively, which is no less than I expected.
"What's one of these things worth?" he asks
"Well let's see. Original model, no mods probably six rolls of lead shielding
and a platinum album. Fully reworked model you're looking at about a map
of brazilian coffee plantations, a six-pack of industrial strength sausages,
Yoko Ono on a stick, and a 4 gig soft-disk."
"That's quite a lot!" the cop utters
"Damn right, that's why it's best to do the upgrades yourself. Why, the
wringer-job alone would cost you a couple of plates of Cauliflower Shred and
a bag of Unix manuals!"
"The very same"
"4 1 3 if you've got it, maybe solaris 2.1 depending on the revision. Stick
to 4.1.3 and you can't go wrong tho"
We part and I kick start the agitator and power off down the motorway. I
spot a twin-tub heading the other way with smoke pouring out the drain-pipe,
but before I can flag the driver down, it blows a ring seal and spins off
into the hard shoulder in flames. Bummer. That's the problem with those
things - no load balancing.
I get home and Melrsoe place is half over and I know the flatmates will be
sniggering away to themselves like they always do - they just don't recognise
a good deal when they see it. I roll on up the driveway, and wouldn't you
know it, some bastards taken my park and powerpoint!! There's a chopped
down Whiteway in *MY* *PARK*.. I slip round the back of the house and
drop the machine into the shed, and go back to my park. I grab a bottle of
draino and pour it into the Whiteway, and kick the pump switch in and block
up the drain hose. That'll teach them a lesson.
I go inside