Knowing your film Personalities

Filmgoers have for years been completely in the dark about movie-people, other than the person that sells popcorn and the person with the torch who tells you not to put your feet on the floor. There are in fact, many more people than this involved in the `Movie Clique'. Some you may not know too much about are:

The Film "Buff":
This is an absolutely disgusting individual, usually wearing colour combinations of bright purple and green with big fat ties which appear to double as bibs, judging by the patterns thereon. They're easily identified in the dark as well. They're the ones saying things like "Oh, Petrakoff is so subtle, the IRONY, it's so sharp!", while you're doing experienced Bored-person things like counting the exit signs, rolling lollies down the isles and planning the quickest way to the food counter at intermission (and how to look nonchalant at the same time). On the screen, however, you are missing the irony of a bottle in plain view, which, as anyone who knew Petrakov would know is his symbol of the fertility and nemisis of mankind. Film buffs love that shit. Film buffs ring each other up at 3am in the morning to pass on trivia about Black and White movies.. "Did you realise that Bogie's tie is on backwards in Casablanca!"

The Critic: (Not to be confused with Reviewers)
These are the refuse of the film clique. They are usually bitter and twisted individuals, mostly short in physical stature, with a history of facial skin problems that made Pizza a household name. Movies to them are a cathartic experience, the darkness reminding them of the time the school bullies locked them in the Phys-Ed cupboard, for hours and hours, even after school ended, and the caretaker had to let them out; and the time they'd worn shorts to the mufti day and everyone had laughed at them - but now things have changed; maybe now one the "heavies" will come up to them in the street and try to lock them in an economical Japanese family car (but also a sporty little runabout), and then they'll see that the critic has a black-belt in making people look stupid in newspapers, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk As far as passtimes go, critics like getting into movies extra early and putting sticky chewing gum in horrible places, and tossing icecreams from the balcony onto first(and last)-date couples. In short, critics are the judderbars of the film world; - but where would we be without them?!?

The Writer:
People who write films are in a world of their own. Most writers are artists, and appreciate that art is born of suffering. This being so, they spend long hours driving round in Yugoslavian made cars and listening to Pink Floyd, eventually coming home to watch Australian TV Quiz Games late into the night. Little more can be said about them, except that their lifetime ambition is to have their name mentioned at the Emmy Awards, named after it's founder, Mr Awards. (The Emmy bit comes from MGM, where a good movie is said to be good enough to have been produced by this company, i.e. Emmy - A poor joke, but that's movie writers for you)

Directors are people who like telling other people what to do. "No! Fifi, I want passion, Passion; PASSION", but have strength of character second to none. Often an actor and a director will have a difference of opinion, and, instead of settling it in the old fashioned pearl-handled- toastracks-at-dawn way, they embark upon the "Directors challenge" way of settling differences, which usually involves sitting around watching "Brady Bunch" re-runs until someone cracks. When a particularly tuff customer comes along, Directors have been known to reach into the lead-lined vault for "My Three Sons" TO THE DEATH! You'll know when this happens, because there'll either be a character death {as in the poor girl in Neighours}; a hideous accident which disfigures someone's face so badly that they change {as in Neighbours}; OR someone goes away for a little while, and instead of getting a bermuda tan, they get a new face {as in Neighbours}.

Were the world were a grassy paddock, Reviewers would be the sheep grazing upon it. Consuming and excreting, the endless cycle. Reviewers are tired characters who arrive late at movies in jeans and jumper with egg stains (over both), smelling strongly of methylated spirits, tripping over the seats in an attempt to make themselves less conspicuous (funny how the mind works isn't it?) Then, later on, when the lights go down low and the main feature starts, they pick their nose and eat it (it's cheaper than popcorn) whilst scribbling feverish notes onto the back on an envelope with a sticky green ballpoint. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to make it. Out of the theatre however, Reviewers can be found in a variety of careers, using major portions of their talent. Jobs such as Road Sweeping, Industrial Cleaning, Driving Taxis, that sort of thing.

So that's it, the film world reviewed, critically. Anyone want to buy a sticky ballpoint and some old chewing gum?