The Untold Truth about Creation

From: (Mark Hopkins)
Newsgroups: sci.physics
(Originally meant to answer the question of why the speed of light is finite).

Actually, light speed is infinite. No matter how fast you move to catch up to it, it's still infinite. However, God made a mistake when He let light come into being, ended up being about 10% off in His calculations, like any good engineer ought to be, and lo and behold infinity accidentally turned out to be 186,282 miles per second. And so 186.282 miles per second is actually an infinite speed. To cover up His tracks, He forced motion to exist in such a way that no matter who measured the distance, X, traversed by the moving object, and the time, T, the object took to move that distance, the result would always be that X^2 - (c T)^2 would come out the same, where c is light speed. Later on, when He brought planets and stars into being and created gravity and inertia, He had to make a few adjustments to account for acceleration and the inflience of gravity. It was really a mess. He decided that as long as He was at it, He might as well just simply equate one second to 186.282 times the square root of -1 miles, and then He could explain His mistake by saying "It's the Pythagorean Theorem now, see?", and so it was that Complex Numbers were invented along with their first Physical embodiment.

This is apparently not the only time He botched things up. The first time He said "Let there be Life" He ended up getting these real tiny slimy things, like pond scum, and they infested the water. Once the deed was done, it was too late. So in order to cover His tracks, He decided, like any good engineer, just to tinker about for a while making a few changes here and there until He worked His way up to humans. Well anyway, in the Specs, He originally estimated that He could fix the problems in a few days, and really it only seemed like a few days passed (it's always like that when you get into heavy projects), but it took a while longer. Nevertheless, here we are. Since nobody else was around He decided to tell a little fib, exaggerate a little (after all, it SEEMED like only a day or two and who was going to argue with Him), and proclaim that Creation lasted a mere week. The problem is that He didn't cover up His tracks too well, ended up leaving some of the remains of His prior work lying about, and to this day keeps trying to sneak in changes while we're not looking. Anyhow, He's been getting tired of playing the Life game, and so decided to teach us how to do it, retire and let us take on the task.

There was another time when He screwed up. When God made Math, He forgot to finish the job. You see, He made the apparatus of arithmetic and the theory of recursive functions so powerful that the very logic used to prop up these edifices could be mirrored faithfully by arithmetic computations and functions within. Unfortunately, around this time, one of His assistants (I won't name any names here) got the idea to stick in a math problem that mirrored the statement, "This statement can't be proven true", and made it impossible for God to finish His job. Anyhow, God was in the process of enumerating all the logically possible computations arbitrarily judging them to be true or false (and in His Divine Wisdom always doing it consistently). When He ran into this little gem, literally, all hell broke loose. He tried to fix it by changing the Axioms around, adding a few here, taking away a few, and the same problem kept coming up. And so it was that at the same time, Hell came into being and the first Persian Flaw too.

Another case: Christain legend has it that almost 2000 years ago, He was experimenting with the idea of Divine Infusion and ended up accidentally cramming the entirety of His Infinite Presence into a finite, mortal body for about 30 years. The Universe had to be run on autopilot in the intervening period. It's a good thing it only happened here on Earth, Lord only knows what manner of chaos would ensue were He to have pulled off that same stunt on each of the other billion some-odd alien worlds out there for 30 years apiece. He wouldn't even have any time left to take care of all those God-like things, He's supposed to do. To this day, scientists cannot explain how it was accomplished...