So I lose at poker to Father Tony and I have to sit in on confessions for him because he's got a golf tournament. He gives me his sin Abacus and sends me off to sit in.
So I'm in there and the first sinful one comes in. It's some coozer in his early fifties who's probably still living down his oedipal guilt.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned"
"OF COURSE YOU'VE BLOODY SINNED YOU DICKHEAD, OR ELSE YOU WOULDN'T BLOODY *BE* HERE, YOU'D BE OUT MAKING CHRISTIAN TELEVISION COMMERCIALS!"
He decides that, as he has no idea of what to do, he'll pretend nothing has happened."
"Since my last confession, I.."
"HOW LONG SINCE YOUR LAST CONFESSION? - YOU KNOW THE ROUTINE, COME ON - PLAY THE GAME!"
"Oh. Um, it's been three weeks si.."
"THREE BLOODY WEEKS AND YOU'RE BACK? WHAT THE HELL COULD YOU *DO* IN THREE WEEKS THAT REQUIRES WASTING A SATURDAY AFTERNOON? KILLED ANYONE?"
"MOLESTED YOUR PETS?"
"THEN FUCK OFF!. AND SAY 25 HAIL MARYS FOR WASTING MY TIME!"
"Oh. Sorry father"
He leaves, truly humbled. I probably did him some good. I should charge for this...
Next up, a kid of about thirteen, obviously here because his folks are waiting outside for him.
"Bless me father f.."
"Yeah, yeah, we'll take it as read. Done anything really bad?"
"I killed my teacher's dog.."
"Well that's not so bad really."
"..with a piece of plastic hose"
"Strangled or beaten?"
"No worries, that's not a sin anymore. Here, this is my neighbours address - do his dog too and god will forgive you. Right, got a Nintendo gameboy on you?"
"Don't lie. Lying to a priest will get you 5 to 10 in hell, and you don't want to think what they do to small boys there..."
"Yeah, here it is."
"Super Mario Brothers. I'll play you for 10 Hail Marys, loser says all"
I win of course. Mind you covering the screen at the tough bits was a bit mean, but he is a sinner after all...
Next up, a guy in a suit. Weird. Who dresses to go to confession?
"Bless me father for I have sinned."
"Sure. Pass your wallet over"
"The wallet. Pass it over. The hail mary stuff is old hat - we use penances that *really* hurt. It's this or the 10 KV across the nipples and groin. Your choice. And remember, if you leave and go to another confessional, god will know..."
He hands the wallet over. A couple of hundred in nice crisp bills. Thank you so much Father T! And a Titanium Visa Card!
"Ok, what have you done; spill your guts.."
"Well, I've been committing adultery, and I'm so guilty."
"Then stop!" I say
"..but not that guilty"
"I see. So what you're looking for is a blanket absolution until the whole disgusting activity comes to an end"
"Ok. I don't see a problem. Pass your wallet back, and make sure the Titanium Visa is still in it and that you don't report your wallet as stolen for 3 days"
"Oh! And I'll see you back in 2 weeks for lying to your credit card authorities..."