Captain's personal log, stardate 96 and 44/100. The past few weeks seem like a dream to me, yet I can remember each moment just as well as if I'd been fully in control of my own actions and not merely the tool of some incomprehensibly alien race. Doctor Crasher has assured me that all traces of the mind controlling devices they put on me have been removed, but I'm not sure I'm ready to trust myself yet; can I be absolutely certain that I am entirely myself once again? * * * Floorspace, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the startruck Enterkeys, its continuing mission: to explore strange new apartments, to seek out some lunch and new packing boxes, to boldly move where no one has moved before.... S T A R T R U C K T H E G N U G E N E R A T I O N In our last episode, Captain G'wann-Look Petard was rescued from the Bork ship where the Borks had attached bizzare, vaguely sideburn-like machines directly to his face, turning him into a Bork. Fortunately, at the last moment, Doctor Bovinely Crasher discovered a solvent for latex glue and the sideburns fell off just as Commander Piker asked the Bork a question about voter registration in the South and the Bork ship exploded. You'll recall that the director managed to create a sense that perhaps this was not all there was to the Bork saga by having G'wann-Look Petard gaze wistfully out the observation port as the message "THE END?" was flashed subtly on the screen a dozen or so times. We now join this week's episode, already in progress.... Dr. Crasher: I'm a doctor, not an in-the-shell egg scrambler! Iwanna Toy: I sense in you a feeling that you've been reading the wrong script. See? Yours says right here at the top: "Star Truck XII, the Quest for Adequate Restroom Facilities." Here, I'll let you borrow my script. Dr. Crasher: Thanks. Now, as I was saying, It's certainly a relief to have the captain back to normal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go down to deck 114-B and beat my son. Piker: Captain! Good to have you back in the front seat! Petard: Well, it's good to be back. Stack! Stack: Well, hello, G'wann-Look. My, you're looking healthy. I just stopped by to congratulate you on your recovery. You know, G'wann-Look, sometimes you surprise me: I would have expected a mere mortal like yourself to still have bits of latex stuck to his face. Oh, well; as long as I'm here, I think I'll use my limitless powers and intelligence to make all your toilets back up. Chevy LaFord: Captain! The toilets all over the ship are backing up! We've used up every napkin on the ship and still the facilities in engineering are about to flow into the warp engines! We'll be blown to atoms in ten minutes if we don't do something! Petard: Analysis, Info? Info: No mustard, Captain. Petard: Wrong script! Wrong script! Iwanna, give Info the correct script! Iwanna Toy: No can do, Captain; I already gave my script to Doctor Crasher. Dr. Crasher: Captain! Sickbay is overflowing in more ways than one! So far I've got sixty crewmembers in here for minor injuries and at least twenty more missing, presumed flushed! Lt. Woof: I suggest that we blow up the toilets with phasers. Iwanna Toy: But that'll leave us without restroom facilities until we can get to the next starbase! Lt. Woof: With all due respect, Klingon ships don't have toilet facilities. We find it helps the crew to learn to deal with situations more...expediently. Weasley Crasher: Captain Petard, why don't we reverse the tractor beam polarity and feed it directly through the dihydrolyzer circuits, modulating it with the chrysanthemum inductor that I just built? Petard: Ensign Crasher, need I remind you of what happened when we tried your last great idea, hooking up your port deflector idiomizer to the ship's main computer instead of replacing a fuse? We had to restore the entire ship's database from floppies which took eight hundred ensigns most of two weeks. Or how about last month when you released your genetically engineered yeast into the ship's food supply, giving the entire crew the runs for three weeks? Or the time before that when.... Weasley: I promise it'll work this time Captain. Just watch. Petard: Bovinely Crasher to the bridge! Get up here this minute and strangle your son! Chevy LaFord: Captain! The computer isn't responding to any of my commands, the toilets have washed away half our backup floppies, and the warp engines are going to explode in three and a half minutes! Petard: STACK! Stack: G'wann-Look, why so hot and bothered all of a sudden? I thought you were prepared for anything. Now if your ship's computer were just PC-compatible, you wouldn't be having nearly so much trouble. Petard: You got us into this, now use your omnipotence to get us out of this! Stack: Actually, Captain, at the moment, I'm not so much omnipotent as omnivorous. Got an Oreo? Piker: Why, yes, as a matter of fact, we do. Info: Commander! I'd been saving those since last month! Stack: Thank you, Piker. Petard: Stack, if you don't do something about those toilets, the ship is going to blow itself up in three minutes! Info: Two minutes, twenty-four seconds, Captain. Petard: Whatever. We need to do something and do it fast! Stack: G'wann-Look, I feel...strange.... Ok, Petard, but only because I'm such a nice guy. LaFord: Captain! The warp engines have returned to normal! I don't know how it happened, but everything's OK now, except that there's a wiener in the warp drive! Lt. Woof: Captain, I still think we should blow up something. Petard: Tell you what, Woof, how about you head a security team to locate the missing crewmembers. Weasley: See, Captain, my mutant yeast saved the day after all. Petard: Thank you, Weasley. Now, because of how much help you've been this episode, I've got a special job for you--clean off those floppies and start restoring the ship's database. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu) May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact. -----------------------------------------------------------------------