If you have found a good one too, feel free to mail it to: neil@franklin.ch, Subject: Sig Blocks See also http://neil.franklin.ch/Jokes_and_Fun/ASCII_Sigs --- Computers If a train station is where a train stops, then what is a workstation? If the opposite of 'work' is 'play', then is the opposite of 'workstation' 'PlayStation'? With mainframes you just can do nonsense, with PCs not even that. PC user ? First door on the left, one cross each "Oh, ein Pentium..... damit hätte ich aber nicht gerechnet." (german for: "Oh, a Pentium... I would not have counted on that.") The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is 9.81 m/s^2. SYSTEM WARNING 213: The mouse has reached the edge of the mousemat. Please re-centre it according to page 94 of the Mouse User Manual. Unix _IS_ user friendly - it's just selective about who its friends are. "No, it was a JOKE! You can't RUN this!" Ken Thompson Un*x: Because reboots are for upgrades Vax, a vicious creature known to eat 110AC and quotes through its *DCL*. Vax are usually found in groups of Vaxen called clusters where they lay in wait to ravage their prey known as users. A supercomputer is a machine that runs an endless loop in 2 seconds. "zesterdaz all mz kezboards were so far awaz." -- The Beatles in Germanz Der kürzeste technische Witz: "Kompatibilität" (german for: The shortest technical joke: "compatibility") Jeder Computer, der einwandfrei läuft, ist veraltet; auch mein 486er. (german for: Every Computer, that runs troublefree, is outdates; so my 486.) Hoezo denken computers in 2000 dat het 1900 is? In 1900 waren er nog helemaal geen computer! (dutch for: Today computers think in 2000 that it is 1900? In 1900 there did not even exist computers!) Computer industry: Industry in which the number of units sold of any given product is inversely proportional to its technical excellence. See also: MS-DOS, MS-Windows, PC, X, QWERTY, 80x86, TrueType "software industry, the: unique industry where selling substandard goods is legal and you can charge extra for fixing the problems." Any sufficiently perverted technology is indistinguishable from Perl. Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. Q: How do you let air into a Russian Orthodox church? A: You click on an icon, and a window opens. "Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind- boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." -- Gene "spaf" Spafford (1992) Heuer's Law: Any feature is a bug unless it can be turned off My undergraduate experience convinced me that I was not smart enough to be a physicist, and that computers were quite neat. Dennis M. Ritchie What goes up, must come down. Ask any system administrator Joe Blow, 700,25628@compuserve.com I am a number, not a free man! The trouble with WYSIWYG is that what you see is all you get - Brian Kernighan To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. Computer: toy that speeds work, so you have more time to play with it You are trapped in a maze of screens and ssh sessions all alike It is dark, and you are likely to log off the wrong account -- Nep THE SVR4 HOT POTATO USL: We added too much to SVR4, and we can't fix all the bugs. Novell: We added more features, and more bugs. We can't market it, even with Netware connectivity, and our name is Novell. Sun: We went to SVR4(Solaris) for multi-processing support(SMP). We didn't realize we would need SMP to make it as fast as our previous OS. -- Bruce Momjian Son: Dad, what is a wordprocessor? Dad: You know what a food processor does to food? Son: Yes. Dad: Well, a text processor does it to text. "IMO, the primary historical significance of Unix is that it marks the time in computer history where CPUs became so cheap that it was possible to build an operating system without adult supervision." -- Russ Holsclaw in a.f.c --- Microsoft Who Needs Gates In A World Without Fences? (first heard from Lukas Müller) Don't open Windows - my system is air-conditioned ! Friends don't let friends work with MICROSOFT-PRODUCTS. It took me 4 years to crash an AS/400, 4 months to crash a Linux-PC, 4 weeks to crash an OS/2-PC, 4 days to crash a Netware-server, 4 hours to crash a Mac, and 4 minutes to crash a Windows-PC... Who needs horror movies when we have Microsoft? -- Christine Comaford, PC Week, 27/9/95 Why use Windows, since there is a door? Use Microsoft's fine line of software products! 100,000,000 lemmings can't be wrong Just because MS-Window's holds 90% of the market doesn't mean it's superior. Remember 90% of all animals are insects. MS-DOS is the worst text adventure game I have ever played: poor vocabulary, weak parser and a boring storyline. Hey look! It's not my fault! It's some guy named 'General Protection.' -Ratbert, 12/18/96 Funny, but I don't have any problem pronouncing Cthulhu or Ngngawil. Or Nyarlathotep, for that matter. But, having used the MS WinAPI extensively, perhaps I have a bit more experience with names that can cause disaster merely by calling them. -- Eric O'Dell Win*ows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition. -Rev. Pee Kitty Since I removed all GATES out of my computer, it finally works! "Wow! Virtual memory! Now I can have a REALLY big RAM disk!" "I'm using a ram disk with my virtual memory, isn't technology wonderful!" Linux: the operating system with a CLUE... Command Line User Environment Mac, 95 and NT users are CLUEless (Command Line User Environment) Use a WIMP (Windows Icons Mouse Pulldowns) interface - or get one with a CLUE (Command Linue User Environment)? Win95 - The only virus with a GUI If NT is the answer, you don't understand the question Microsoft isn't the Answer, it is the Question; the Answer is NO Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on. (Unknown source) Everyone knows that the Borg represent the Seattle culture that revolves around Microsoft, hence the joke "I am Pentium of Borg. Division is Futile. You will be Approximated." We are Microsoft of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be ... General Protection Fault in msborg32.dll Microsoft: Solutions for a small mind "Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!" -- Bill Gates, 1981 "Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM." -- Bill Gates, 1996 "Nobody will ever need Windows 95." -- logical conclusion The software said it requires Windows 95 or better, so I installed Linux I don't like it Microsoft, I like it Megahard "Once you adopt the unix paradigm, the variants cease to be a problem - you bitch, of course, but that's because bitching is fun, unlike M$ OS's, where bitching is required to keep your head from exploding." - S Stremler in afc Can a Microsoft allergy be claimed on job health insurence? Microsoft: "where do you want to go today?" (they don't know) Linux: "been there, done that." (we've got experience) However, I think it will be easier to idiot-proof Linux than to crash-proof windows. "The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners" - Ernst Jan Plugge "One World, One Web, One Program" - Microsoft Promotional Ad "Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" - Adolf Hitler Error # 0x155 : Windows not found (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance "Ask Bill [Gates] why function code 6 (in QDOS and still in MS-DOS more than ten years later) ends in a dollar sign, no one in the world knows that but me" -Gary Kildall Communism's a lot like using DOS, only it's a political system and it doesn't have subdirectories. -Kibo Microsoft is Software Communism, Fight for GNU Freedom! GNU is a free (beer) system with a not-free (speech) viral license. Go figure! No, no, no!!! I absolutely hate every molecule of Bill Gates!!! If I was in an elevator with Hitler, Husain, and Gates, and I had gun but with only two shots loaded, I would shoot Gates. Twice to make sure. No Microsoft programs were used in the creation or distribution of this message. If you are using a Microsoft program to view this message, be forewarned that I am not responsible for any harm you may encounter as a result. You can't write "obsolescent" without "NT" Windows: Just another pane in the glass Remove usable from unstable and see what you get (A)bort (R)etry (T)ake an axe to it? "Win32 sucks so hard it could pull matter out of a Black Hole." -- Pohl Longsine Windows tells me how I have to work. I tell Linux how it's going to work for me "Microsoft is not a necessary evil. Microsoft is not necessary." (paraphrasing a quote from Ted Nelson's _Computer_Lib_) What will you have to debug today? "It took the computing power of three C-64s to fly to the Moon. It takes a 486 to run Windows 95. Something is wrong here." Huh? Windows was designed to keep the idiots away from Unix so we could hack in peace. Let's not break that. -- Tom Christiansen Wenn Betriebssysteme Gebäude wären, dann würde der erste Specht, der vorbeikommt 95 % der Zivilisation auslöschen. [german for: if OSes were buildings, then the first woodpecker, that came by would eradicate 95% of civilisation. "Failure is not an option" -- it comes bundled with your M$ software Bill Gates isn't the Devil - Satan made sure Hell worked before he opened it to the damned... - unknown ... but the Hell of BG does work, all too hellish for my taste - NF This is Linux Country. On a quiet night, you can hear Windows NT reboot! Windows: written by the best programmers money can buy. Linux: written by the best programmers that can't be bought. Have you crashed your Windows today? The end of the world is best viewed with Microsoft Universe Exploder v6.66. "Nothing would please me more than being able to hire ten programmers and deluge the hobby market with good software." -- Bill Gates, 1976 "So I guess Bill hasn't been able to hire ten "real" programmers yet..." - Rick Kelly rmk@toad.rmkhome.com BSODs are not General Protection's fault Colonel Panic blamed him to save his own arse Bill Gates and Richard Stallman Meet in Airport; Thousands Killed in Resulting Explosion. Film at 11 mv /dev/ms/hdqrtrs /dev/null - error: /dev/null: data refused On Bill Gates' tombstone: "This man has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down." (BBC Radio 4) M$. This company has performed an illegal operation, and will be terminated. I mean what's the point of disproving the Microsoft theorem when kids continue to be taught Microsoft? Windows 98 has detected that the mouse has moved. Please restart your computer for these changes to take effect. Windows: an 80486 to XT Conversion Kit Redmond, WA -- Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901. Tux und Chucky spielen "capture the flag" mit Windos-Fähnchen... Pinguine können nicht Fliegen aber sie können auch nicht Abstürzen. PCs würden Linux kaufen [german for: penguins can not fly but the can't crash either. PCs would buy Linux] "Windows 2000 may seem slow, but it got the best benchmark test results money can buy." -Nicholas Petreley Linux for Windows sounds like the last resort of a company that can't find any other way to get Linux applications to crash. Nicholas Petrely in Linux World Windows NT encountered the following error: The operation completed successfully For more than a 4 generations the IT Professionals were the guardians of qualty and stability in software. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft... Windows is BOOTiful Windows to Athlon 600 MHz cpu: Don't rush me, don't rush me... Today's target: 47.639963 N; 122.130295 W. Fire at Will!! Q: How do you recognize a MS-Windows-Internet-Site? A: Frontpage & Backdoor You shouldn't call them Backdoors in Windows because there rather like Backgates The three Rs of Microsoft support: Retry, Reboot, Reinstall "I heard if you play the NT-CD backwards, you get a satanic message" "That's nothing, if you play it forward, it installs NT" Win2k: "It's not so much that it's only 65,000 bugs, it's just that they stopped at 65,535 to prevent an overflow." - Mazel#Tov Unix is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus. -- Peter H. Coffin Windows the Roach Motel of Software: Bugs check in, never check out. "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket" Win NT - Well I suppose that's better than paying for it I keep reminding myself of that old saying: "Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity." Then I remind myself that Microsoft isn't stupid... Windows System Administration: "Magical Misery Tour" My perception was/is that while the rest of the computer world was striving for Fault Tolerant Software, Micro$oft was working on Fault Tolerant Users. "Why put fault tolerance in the OS, when it's already built into the User?"- Steve Shaw, comp.os.linux.advocacy Bill Gates == Sauron? M stands for monoculture, monopoly, and Microsoft You gave the command for the computer to WIN, why are you so surprised that you lose ? Have you ever noticed that whenever Microsoft calls something 'Smart', it's definitely a feature you want to disable! --- Hackish Marsu: "Es gibt tatsächlich Leute, die ohne Computer glücklich und zufrieden leben." -- Frankie: "Ach was, die emulieren das doch nur!" (german for: Marsu: "There really exist People, who without Computer are happy and content." --- Frankie: "Ah what, they are only emulating that!") Computers are devices for converting data into error messages In technology 2 types of people: those that understand what they don't manage, and those that manage what they don't understand. Competences to the competent! /earth: 98% full, delete anyone you can. REALITY.SYS corrupted. Re-boot universe (Y/N) ? /dev/brain: Permission denied Invalid thought. Close all mental processes and restart body. HP-UX1# restarting braind.... HP-UX1# /usr/lib/intelligence not found. core dumped. I think my .sig escaped... Have you seen it? SYS$FATAL_ERROR:cannot find GOD.EXE...run BIGBANG.COM Y/N ? Thanks for letting me change magnetic patterns on your hard disk. The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned. Which reminds me of a tagline from the old BBS days.. "Smith and Wesson, the ultimate point and click interface!" I read it in Wired, so it's not like I'm spouting noxious gibberish. - rone *** It's true ! I read it on Usenet ! *** My theory is that someone's Emacs crashed on a very early version of Linux while reading alt.flame and the resulting unholy combination of Elisp and Minix code somehow managed to bootstrap itself and take on an independent existence. -- James Raynard in c.u.b.f.m on nature of Albert Cahalan Linux is like a wigwam - no windows, no gates, apache inside! Unix is a Linux-like operating system. "You're one of those condescending Unix computer users!" "Here's a nickel, kid. Get yourself a better computer" - Dilbert. Software is like Sex, its better when its free - Linus Torvalds kernel, n.: A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art. "Cron's disease: Symptoms include an obsessive-compulsive behaviour at regular intervals throughout the day, week, or month." -- Clinton A. Pierce, in the scary devil monastery we can hack it out Linux - It is now safe to turn on your computer Never ask a geek why, just nod your head and slowly back away. -Rob Malda "The Internet interprets censorship as damage, and routes around it." -John Gilmore I had a clue. I didn't like it. I took it back and exchanged it for an attitude I'm all for freedom of speech.....unless it comes from some moron that doesn't have a point :) Unix is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity. -Dennis Ritchie 20th century record companies fit the 21st century data highways as good as 19th century stagecoaches fit the 20th century freeways "Linux is only free if your time has no value" - Jamie Zawinski Jamie Zawinski doesn't unterstand that hackers code for fun and freedom - NF People get annoyed when you try to debug them (Larry Wall) We reject kings, presidents, and voting. We believe in rough consensus and running code Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes User Error: Hit any user to continue Verry funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes PEBKAC - Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair echo '[q]sa[ln0=aln80%Pln80/snlbx]16isb15CB32EF3AF9C0E5D7272C3AF4F2snlbxq' | dc (its the guys email address, optimally de-spammed, works on SGI, not on Linux) TH15 51G H45 B33N 0WN3D BY 3L33T H4X0R D00DZ! PH33R! If it's not source, it's not software - NASA 1993 Source code is like Manure, if you spread it around things grow. If you horde it it just smells bad. Brains need to be open-sourced - right now they can't stay up for 24 hours without requiring a thorough defrag "The most personable person over there is the mailer-daemon." - Anonymous Coward "Carpe Daemon - Seize the Background Process" designing to spec is like walking on water. it helps if it's frozen "Walking on water and developing software to specification are easy as long as both are frozen" - Edward V. Berard. while a young Gates labeled fellow programmers "thieves" for copying his mediocre code, the generous Torvalds freely shared his epiphany with the world - Jonathan Littman Lost, one sig block. Description: Mildly amusing when first read, although it gets old pretty quick. If you see my sig block please return it to the above address. In einer GUI stehen 1280x1024 Pixel dagegen dass du triffst, in einer Shell gibt es nur 104 Tasten... (german for: in a GUI there are 1280x1024 aginst you hitting the right one, in a shell there are onle 104 keys...) In article <6i56sg$l15$1@hirame.wwa.com>, Jean Liddle wrote: > Perhaps XFree86 should be renamed "Open X" or "Open Source X." It > would be a much more accurately descriptive name, and not imply > any particular hardware bias. imho the word `open' is tainted and smacks of a commercial, proprietary system masquerading as free software. -- Johan Kullstam [johan19@idt.net] alan@ctrl-alt-del.com | Note to AOL users: for a quick shortcut to reply Alan Olsen | to my mail, just hit the ctrl, alt and del keys. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort and the address of the memory makes the data link abort then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. Now, can someone tell me where I can buy a pound bag of dialtone ? My phone has a slow leak. good. fast. cheap. (pick any two, you can't have all three) -RFC 1925 Progress (n.): The process through which Usenet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals. -- obs@burnout.demon.co.uk (obscurity) Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann?? JJooiinn tthhee SSaavvee LLooccaall EEcchhoo CCaammppaaiiggnn!! Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! Why is it always Segmentation's fault? Progress (n.): The process through which Usenet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals. -- obs@burnout.demon.co.uk (obscurity) Open Source means some restrictions apply, limits are placed, often quite severe. Free Software has _no_ serious restrictions. OpenBSD is Free Software. The original Dr. JCL and Mr .hide The number you have reached is imaginary. Rotate your screen 90 degrees and reconnect. Hey, wait a minute. Xenix did not *run* on 8086. I wouldn't even go as far as "walked slowly." Perhaps "With the aid of time-lapse photography, seemed to move forward" woule apply :) Okay, who taught the cat how to type Ctrl Alt Delete?!? If 90% of everything isn't crap, your standards are too high. We will never be able to come to a consensus on which 10% ISN'T crap. Secret hacker rule #11: hackers read manuals. Go outside. The graphics are AMAZING ! You may be a sysadmin if ... you know more root passwords than telephone numbers - hmmm, doesn't everyone? The number of the beast: vi vi vi I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere server4:~# restarting braind.... server4:~# /usr/lib/intelligence not found. core dumped. Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one. Note that there are two possible orientations of the log. If the end with the larger diameter is facing downstream, the log is said to be big-endian; otherwise, it is little-endian. -- Philip Willoughby on Segfault.org 1 virus, 2 virii, 3 viriii .... - to which one could add 9 virix Do daemons dream of electric sleep()? Open Source. Closed Minds. We are Slashdot. I am pro open source Linux, because it should be FREE as in beer, not free as in french revolution. I like beer. I don't like guillotines. X-Why-No-Archive: well, do /you/ think it's worth the diskspace? Loose bits sink chips "Get real! This is a discussion group, not a helpdesk. You post something, we discuss its implications. If the discussion happens to answer a question you've asked, that's incidental." -- nobull in comp.lang.perl.misc ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. Revolution: Garbage collection for governments ? Don't think of it as a flame---it's more like an argument that does 3d6 fire damage Get a life - I tried but I couldn't find the ftp site bashian roulette: if [ $(($RANDOM%6)) -eq 0 ]; then rm -rf ~; fi There are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary, and those who don't. Objekte sind so eines dieser Kopf-Zerbrech-Konzepte - Martin Renold (germal for: objects are one of these twist-brain-concepts) Org.asm not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ake? --- Intellect Where are we going? And why am I in this Handbasket? - Ellen Rose "I let my mind wander...and the durned thing never came back!" Minds are like Parachutes...... They only function when OPEN Wise men speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something. Go figure... The speed of time is one second per second Black holes are where God divided by zero Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it! I am not insane. The voices in my head say so. Pauli's exclusive, Heisenberg's uncertain and Schroedinger just waves Irregular Verb Conjugation: I have preferences. You have biases. He/She has prejudices. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists else- where in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. Wunder stehen nicht im Widerspruch zur Natur, sondern im Widerspruch zu unserem Wissen von der Natur - Augustinus (german for: wonders do not stand in contradiction to nature, but in contradiction to out knowledge of nature - Augustinus) if ignorance is bliss, why don't I work with happy people. Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything! Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. -- Henry Spencer Those who do not understand RISC are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. -- paraphrased Henry Spencer by David Frey If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it. 1. Everyone has a Belief System (BS) 2. Never take anyone else's BS too seriously. 3. Never take your own BS too seriously! - Robert Anton Wilson God grant me patience and I want it RIGHT NOW! Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares!? Life is lethally dangerous, no one has survived it so far The difference between theory and practice is that, in theory, there is no difference between theory and practice The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity -- Unknown What amazes me is the implication There's actually that much hydrogen out there -- Peter Seebach Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former -- Albert Einstein There is a limit to how stupid people really are -- just as there's a limit to the amount of hydrogen in the Universe. There's a lot, but there's a limit. - David C. Barber time passes, which is basically its job Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. A *huge* proportion of people cannot make *correct and accurate* generalisations of principles. They have to learn everything as if it's an unrelated piece of crap, BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID! PEOPLE ARE STUPID! YES, THAT'S RIGHT, I'M SHOUTING NOW! AIEEEE!! PEOPLE ARE STUPID! -- Thorfinn He is a blockhead who wants a proof of what he can't percieve And he is a blockhead who tries to make such a fool believe - William Blake No fear -- reading the book won't tell you much about what's going to happen in the movie. - Stan Brown on r.a.b.t about the PJ film of LoTR Wissen ist Macht, Weisheit ist Friede (german for: knowledge is power, wisdom is peace) your ignorance cramps my conversation - anon "Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion." -Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary E = mc^2 = m(a^2 + b^2) Some people live life in the fast lane, I live life in oncoming traffic An intellectual is someone who has been educated beyond their intelligence The world is divided into two sorts of people: those that think the world is divided into two sorts of people and those that don't. Nothing is intrinsically good or evil, but its manner of usage may make it so. - St. Thomas Aquinas Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. What keeps a square from moving? Square roots, of course. "There really are no stupid questions." "But there sure are questions on the hearing of which you have to re- mind yourself STRONGLY that 'there really are no stupid questions.'" - Ool/ulrich.schreglmann@t-online.de I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost... I'm only interested in the future, because I'll be spending the rest of my life there In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not. Curiosity *may* have killed Schrodinger's cat If you've been pounding nails with your forehead for years, it may feel strange the first time somebody hands you a hammer. But that doesn't mean that you should strap the hammer to a headband just to give your skull that old familiar jolt. -- Wayne Throop, during the `TCL Wars' I'm out of my mind right now, but feel free to leave a message..... We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. - Robert Wilensky, University of California, 1997 Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare. - Blair Houghton I lost my train of thought, I think it is in a tunnel. 50,000 monkeys at 50,000 typewriters can't be wrong --- Society This message is printed on 100% recycled electrons. lawyers are like nuclear bombs. it's nice to have 'em, but if you use them, they mess up everything ... "Mir geht dieses scheinheilige, Naechstenhiebe austeilende Bodenpersonal Gottes auf die Nerven" [Julia Krueger, Leserbrief an den SPIEGEL 35/95] (german for: "This bigotted, ??? theigh neighbor disseminating floor personnel of god goes on my nerves" [Julia Krueger, readers letter to SPIEGEL 35/95]) ??? is an word play on liebe = love, hiebe = blow/strike/hit "A statesman... is a dead politician. Lord knows, we need more statesmen." -- Bloom County Lawyers are killing society, perhaps we should return the favour. Why has New Jersey got so many nuclear dumps and California so many Lawyers? New Jersey had the choice. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name When Americans whine, nearly everybody else in the world laughs I was an atheist, until I found out I was God. A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. -- Lazarus Long "Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money," Wolf Robe Cree Indian Chief 1910 "The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be." --Lao Tzu Anatomy: Something that everybody has, but it looks better on a girl. Politics: Poly (many) + Tics (blood sucking parasites) "History keeps repeating itself - it has to - nobody ever listens!" (thanks to Alan Cox for this quote) Question: Why don't more blind people go sky diving? Answer: Scares the hell out of the dog! Why experiment on animals when there are so many lawyers? Science does not emerge from voting, party politics, or public debate. History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion - i.e. none to speak of. - Lazarus Long Foreign Aid: The system by which poor people in rich countries give their money to rich people in poor countries "Big Business and State Socialism are very much alike, especially Big Business." -- G. K. Chesterton A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. - P.J. O'Rourke He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts --- for support rather than illumination Andrew Lang - Scottish man of letters, 1844-1912 Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education. --Bertrand Russell If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. Yes, you too can start your own company... For the small price of your money, family and life If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? God gave man truth; then the Devil came along and said "Let me organize this for you - we'll call it religion" If the government wants us to respect the law, it should set a better example. Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and most of them stink "We do not inherit our time on this planet from our parents... We borrow it from our children." Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest - Diderot I could've been a vegetarian, but I realized I had a brain Komplexe gesellschaftliche Probleme loest man nicht mit einfachen technischen Mitteln (german for: complex social problems are not solvable with simple technical methods) You cannot apply a technological solution to a sociological problem. (Edwards' Law) DEMOCRACY: two wolves & a lamb voting what's for lunch LIBERTY: a lamb with a kalashnikov contesting the vote The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important. Remember: Citizens have rights. Consumers have only wallets If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion. -- William Baumol And god said, let there be a Satan, so people won't blame everything on me Lotteries are a tax on people that suck at math Newspaper headline: Incest more common than thought in USA Want to make $$$$ really quick? It's easy: 1. Hold down the Shift key. 2. Press "4" four times. The cost of living hasn't affected it's popularity Capitalism: a form of society in which it is regarded as acceptable to use fear of losing (neccessary) job/income/food/life as an incentive to generate more (non-neccessary) production/riches/luxury. Pure barbarism. - NF Get stoned - drink wet concrete If you want to complain about frivilous lawsuits, remember, lawyers don't sue people, plaintifs sue people Mary had a crypto key, she kept it in escrow, and everything that Mary said, the Feds were sure to know Trying to make bits uncopyable is like trying to make water not wet. The sooner people accept this, and build business models that take this into account, the sooner people will start making money again. - Bruce Schneier Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, who is confessedly unworthy -- Ambrose Bierce You are supposed to be a consumer, a black hole for goods, advertising and content. They only want to allocate enough upstream bandwidth for 10,000,000 buy buttons. Producing or sharing information is a subversive act and will not be tolerated. -- anonymous coward on /. For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled. -- Richard Feynman Rules are for the obedience of fools, and the guidance only of wise men. Douglas Bader - WWII Spitfire ace Intellectual "property" is to real property as fool's gold is to real gold. "Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done." -- Ernie Kovacs the pen is mightier than the sword the sword is mightier than the court the court is mightier than the pen The devil seeks slaves and followers and demands obedience; the divine seeks companions and friends and accepts love "There is no native American criminal class besides Congress." - Mark Twain Management used to have plans. Then it had strategic plans. Now it is supposed to have vision. We are only 1 step from hallucinations. glaube ohne liebe macht fanatisch, pflicht ohne liebe macht verdriesslich, ordnung ohne liebe macht kleinlich, macht ohne liebe macht gewalttaetig, gerechtigkeit ohne liebe macht hart, ein leben ohne liebe macht krank, sex ohne liebe ist vergewalt, wissen ohne liebe ist gefahr (german for: belief without love is fanatism, duty without love makessulky, order without love makes petty, power without love makes violent, justice without love makes hard, a life without love makes ill, sex without live is rape, knowledge without love is danger) Wenn ein Staat das öffentliche Leben durchdringt und seinen Einfluss bis in die innersten Bereiche des Privatlebens der Bürger ausgehnt, dann ist das ein totalitärer Staat. Wenn der Markt die Gesellschaft aber bis ins kleinste Glied ökonomisiert, dann nennen wir es Freiheit. --- Nach Benjamin R. Barber, University of Maryland (german for: When a state permeates public life and extends its influence into the most inner parts of private life of the citizens, then it is a totalitary state. When the market economises society into its smallest part, then we call it freedom. --- after Benjamin R. Barber, University of Maryland) growing old is mandatory - growing up is optional! --- Usenet Quotes > Well, as they say, when the only tool you have is a hammer. Everything > starts to look like a nail. And when your only hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb. [Not mine originally, but I've lost the original reference]. >Then again, I can be weird sometimes. My PC Junior had a Norton SI rating >of .7 and was well worth holding on to, just so I could bring it up in a >boastful tone when hot dogs around me started carrying on about the speed of >their systems. I've got a Zenith Z150 (8088, 4.77MHz, all RAM access via 8-bit ISA) that manages 0.03 bogomips under ELKS. One of my friends has a twin-processor Pentium that rates 666 bogomips. Whenever he brings his rating up, I bring mine up... >ceco# telnet www.microsoft.com 80 >Segmentation fault (core dumped) Process suicide. Never a pretty thing. It's breaking the news to the parent process that's the hardest thing. They just stand there, ... First law of the internet: 90 percent of everything here is bullshit. Second law of the internet You have to dig through all of the 90% to get to the 10% Third law of the internet: Be very very careful with the other 10% 'cause it could be even worse. The line is: Why can't a programmer tell Christmas from Halloween? Because Dec. 25 is equal to Oct. 31. (Decimal 25 is equal to Octal 31) > there are some CS undergrads who would have trouble passing that > today and certainly none of those MSCE's. > -ckm This reminds me of the 4 helpdesk staff at my previous employer arguing over how big a kilobyte was. Not one of the actually knew the correct answer! -Paul Grayson --- Web Quotes So, no virtual property without somewhere physical and 'real' to store it. So, eventually, we're going to run out. And incase you're pointing out how thoughts aren't physical, what's that grey squidgy stuff for then? "When they took the fourth amendment, I was quiet because I didn?t deal drugs. When they took the sixth amendment, I was quiet because I was innocent. When they took the second amendment, I was quiet because I didn?t own a gun. Now they?ve taken the first amendment, and I can say nothing about it." It might interest people to know where this came from. The original quote belongs to Pastor Martin Niemoller who had the misfortune to live in Nazi Germany in the 30s: "First, they came for the labor unions but I wasn't a labor unionist, so I didn't speak up. Then they came for the Communists but I wasn't a Communist, so I didn't speak up. Then they came for the Jews; but I wasn't a Jew, so I didn't speak up. Then they came for the Catholics, but I wasn't a Catholic, so I didn't speak up. Then they came for me-and there was no one left to speak up." Three tapes for rec.singles desperate Seven for alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork Nine for comp.sci compiling late One for Google's engine dark In their Linux cluser where the shadows lie. One engine to search them all, one engine to bind them One engine to index them all and in the darkness find them In Google's cluster where the shadows lie. A Torvaldeth Gilthoniel! Sublime Finnish kernel, O freeOS best made he hath, No license paying-deariel, O gaynetadmin not inwrath, at four AM crashmarathon, no hackaers, in his usr/bin.