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I understand you used to own a baseball team.
That's right; it was a pretty good team, in fact.
Were any of the players good enough to make the big leagues?
Well, yes.
Why don't you tell me some of their names in case they become famous someday?
Well, let's see.. On the bases we have, Who's on first, What's on second, and I_Don't_Know's on third.
Wait a second. You're the manager of the team, aren't you?
Yes.
You're supposed to know all the fellows' names?
Of course!
Ok, then, the first baseman's name.
Who.
The guy on first.
Who.
THE FIRST BASEMAN!
Who is on first.
I'm asking you who's on first.
That's the man's name.
That's whose name?
Yes.
Look, all I want to know is, what's the name of the guy on first base?
No, no, What's on second.
Who's on second?
Who's on first.
I don't know.
He's on third base.
Third base? Look, how did we get to third base?
Well, you mentioned the man's name.
Whose name?
No, Who is on first.
I don't know.
He's on third.
Hey, if I mentioned the man's name, who did I say was on third?
Who is on first.
I'm not asking you who's on first...
Who *is* on first.
I want to know what's the name of the guy on third base.
No, What's on second.
Who's on second?
Who's on first.
*I DON'T KNOW!*
Third base.
All right. Just forget the infield. Let's go to the outfield. Do you have a left fielder?
Of course we have a left fielder.
The left fielder's name?
Why.
Well, I just thought I'd ask.
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Then go ahead and tell me. What's the left fielder's name?
What's on second.
Who's on second?
Who's on first.
*I DON'T KNOW!*
Third base.
Let's try again. The left fielder's name?
Why.
Because.
Oh, he's our center fielder.
Look, let's go back to the infield. Do you pay your guys anything?
As a matter of fact, yes. We give them a little something for uniforms, etc.
Okay. Look, it's payday and all the guys are lined up the get paid. The first baseman is standing at the front of the line. Now he reaches out to accept his money. Now, who gets the money?
That's right.
So who gets the money?
Yes, of course. Why not? He's entitled to it.
Who is?
Certainly. Why sometimes even his mother takes the money for him.
Whose mother?
Yes.
Look, all I am trying to figure out is what's the name of your first baseman?
What's on second.
Who's on second?
Who's on first.
I don't know.
Third base.
Okay, okay, I'll try again. Do you have a pitcher?
Of course we have a pitcher. What kind of a team would we be without a pitcher?
The pitcher's name?
Tomorrow.
What time?
What time what?
What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching?
How many times do I have to tell you, Who is on fir--
You say who's on first one more time and I'll break your arm. I want to know what's your pitcher's name?
What's on second.
Who's on second?
Who's on first.
I don't know.
He's on third.
The catcher's name?
Today.
Today. Tomorrow. What kind of a team is this? All right. Let me set up a hypothetical play. Now. Tomorrow's pitching. Today's catching. I am up at bat. Tomorrow pitches to me and I bunt the ball down the first base line. Today being the good catcher that he is runs down the first base line, picks up the ball and throws it to the first baseman. Now, when he throws the ball to the first baseman, who gets the ball?
That's the first right thing you've said all night.
I don't even know what I'm talking about. Look, if he throws the ball to first, somebody has to catch it. So who gets the ball?
Naturally.
Who catches it?
Naturally.
Ohhhhhh! Today picks up the ball and throws it to Naturally.
He does nothing of the kind; he throws the ball to Who.
Naturally.
Right.
I just said that. You say it.
He picks up the ball and throws it to Who.
Naturally.
That's what I'm saying.
Look. Bases are loaded. Somebody gets up to bat and hits a line drive to Who. Who throws to What. What throws to I_Don't_Know. Triple play! Next batter gets up and hits a long ball to Why. Because? I don't know! He's on thrid and I just don't give a darn!!!
What?
I said I don't give a darn!