How to pass exams

Let's face it, you can't sit around on your laurels for a whole year. Most of the year, sure, but the whole year, never. (Unless you're an arts major of course)

The day before your exams, you're going to start worrying. And you won't be alone! Psychologists the world over are all-too familiar with the upset, which in professional circles is known as the: "Pre-Exam, Oh-Shit-I'm-going- to-FAIL-and-Dad's-going-to-take-back-the-money-he-lent-me-for-the-Woody Station Wagon (as seen in 8 is enough) Trauma", but is more commonly known by the layman as "The Pre-exam Sweats". As a condition, P.E.S. is fairly simple to treat, but the side effects of massive alcohol indulgence can be a bit of a trial for some people. The most common reason that people seem to encounter this problem is that they have a vision of what their life will be like once they FAIL their course: being on the dole or having a job roadsweeping or something - an Arts-Graduate success story in other words. The fear of ending up like this virtually paralyses the poor student, and before they know what's happened, the exam's are over and they can't remember the last few weeks, except maybe there was this person in a white coat who gave them a hat with wires on it that was nice and warm, but they really aren't too sure...

To combat this, OBVIOUSLY prevention is better than a cure, so I suggest this: DON'T TAKE THE EXAM.

There are a lot of hidden advantages to this:
- You stop worrying about taking the exam.
- You won't actually FAIL the exam as such
- You can pretend you're a carrot. [This last option, is of course only a reserve, and should not be tried at home, especially around tea-time]

Not turning up to the exam is a good implementation of this idea, but a far better one is to throw what's known in the trade as a "sickie" If you do this however, you have to be really prepared to do the job properly, and that's what I intend to concentrate on here today.

For a good attempt, you're going to have to put some time into it, so it's no use having a last minute couple of castor-oil curries and turning up to the exam with a bag of sloppy turd. You need a REAL disease, something that the makes people really feel sorry for you. The one I always use is Terminal Nonspecific Syphillitic Glandular Halitotic Miophritus. With a name like that, you either get Aegrotat or an Honorary Masters in English. Get those words on a Doctors Certificate and you'll be in like Gin. So first you need a Certificate...

How to fake the Doctors Cert.
Next time you're at the doctor, fake a faint, and when the doctor goes out to get a nurse (Doctors are notorious for not being able to deal with real conditions, just symptoms) grab a fistful of the med-centre letterhead papers. By the time the doctor and nurse get back you're halfway across town in your lurex strides and no-one's the wiser.

Grab a typewriter and type at the top of the page "Medical Certificate of Illness for [Your Name] Incapacitating them from Normal Study & Examinations". Once that bit is typed, get a close relative with parkinsons or epilepsy to write on the page, using words like Terminal.. Non-Specific.. as in my fake illness before. This should avoid the common mistake of making the form legible, because 1. Doctors can't write legibly, and 2. No-one will ever be able to make out what the illness is and therefore not be able to look it up.

This certificate will work like a charm in most situations, especially when you scribble a little more legibly "Five days to live" and "Declining Vision and Bowel Control" at the bottom etc. To perfect the ploy, hand the med cert in PERSONALLY and just appear to be a little tired (a good way of effecting this is to go out on the booze the night before to celebrate your passing of course) Pass your cert over and say, "Here's my certificate, my eyes are a bit stuffed and I can't actually read what it says. The doctor said to bring it in as soon as possible, but I haven't been feeling well the last couple of days..." They will get to the bit about five days to live, look at the date at the top of the certificate (back date it so that today is the fourth day) and ask you how much the doctor told you (to which you say "Oh, he just spoke to my folks about it, so I'm not really sure as yet. It's probably nothing") Their cold heart will be bleeding tomato sauce at this point thinking to themselves "The poor bastard doesn't know!" so now you put the screws on, to add a bit of impetus to your application. You say: "Actually, I'm feeling quite tired, I just feel like I could lay down here and sleep forever."

THAT'S the clincher, they might be a cold heartless bastard that would burn their relatives at the stake to get a TV grant, but one thing they definitely do NOT want is some student 'popping-their-clogs' in their office!

So you put the final screws on and wait until they actually say it's ok (and get it in writing to say so: "Mum just wants me to prove that I passed for some reason, she said I HAD to come today, I wanted to stay home and sleep, I'm just so tired [yawn] ... My this chair's comfortable, I could sit here forever..." (they just about pass out as you close your eyes.) )

And Voila! your Cert is signed. (Remember your stuffed eyes so bring the paper up real close to make sure that the buggers are not trying to trap you.)

You will leave victorious!!! (You come back next year with a "LOURDS" luggage label on the old backpack and all is explained. (Peice of the Proverbial))

So that's it, how to take on the system and win one more time - Cheers!