1) The technical thug. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.
2) The administrative fascist. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.
3) The maniac. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.
4) The Idiot. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers.
administrative fascist: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.
maniac:
# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
Idiot:
# cd /home
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress
administrative fascist: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
maniac:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
Idiot:
# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
administrative fascist: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.
maniac: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."
Idiot:
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory" # echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
administrative fascist: Begins investigation to determine who broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.
maniac, large system: Rips drive from system, uses
sledgehammer to smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens
pets. Abuses field engineer while they put in a new drive and
reinstall the OS.
maniac, small system: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen
hammer to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets.
Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.
Idiot: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
administrative fascist: Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.
maniac: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits for connections to time out.
Idiot:
# compress -f /dev/en0
administrative fascist: Puts user support policy in motd. Maintains queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.
maniac: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.
Idiot: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until the user realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.
administrative fascist: Locks user's account until user can present documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.
maniac:
# cat >> ~luser/.cshrc alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc' ^D
Idiot: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits user to system administration team.
administrative fascist: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.
maniac: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.
Idiot:
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
administrative fascist: System V. Horrified by the people who use BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.
maniac: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run quickly.
Idiot:
# cd c:
administrative fascist: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but loves the jackboots.
maniac: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...
Idiot: AIX.
administrative fascist: Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job fired.
maniac: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.
Idiot:
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
administrative fascist: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.
maniac:
# uptime 1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31 # wall Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that 5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you! ^D
Idiot:
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
administrative fascist: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.
maniac:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`
# rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
# wall
Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
^D
# write max
I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
^D
Idiot:
# echo "HELP!" | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!
administrative fascist: Oracle. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.
maniac: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.
Idiot:
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"
administrative fascist: Typical lines include:
umask 777 alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >& /dev/null &'
maniac: Typical lines include:
alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
Idiot: Typical lines include:
alias dir ls alias era rm alias kitty cat alias process_table ps setenv DISPLAY vt100
administrative fascist: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.
maniac: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.
Idiot: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.
administrative fascist: Reads _Readers Digest_ and _Mein Kampf_. Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to pick up dominatrixes.
maniac: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_. Faithfully attends Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say "virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey, Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table .
Idiot: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_-- and *believes* them. Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often succeeds, producting next generation of idiots.
administrative fascist: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because he liked Tipper.
maniac: Frank Zappa.
Idiot: Perot.
administrative fascist: Nixon - Buchanan.
maniac: Frank Zappa.
Idiot: Quayle.
technical maniac: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.
technical idiot: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later do an "rm -rf /".
fascistic maniac: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.
fascistic idiot:
# cp /dev/null /etc/passwd
maniacal idiot: Napalms the CPU.