Shit it's getting hard to claim your insurance for a collision these days...
Dear Customer,
	We are now processing the claim relating to the collision involving
your  vehicle.   Could  you  please  help  us in ascertaining liability by
answering the following questions

	a.  Were you, prior to the accident, under the influence of any of:
	  i.	Alcohol in any amount
	  ii.	Drugs, prescription or otherwise
	  iii.	Backward-masked music, (knowingly or unknowingly [See Note 1])
	  iv.	Iron Butterfly, "In a Gadda Da Vida"
				- The beginning
				- The drum bit in the middle
				- The funky crescendo at the end [*]

	[Note 1]  We will supply, on application, a complete list of backward
		masked songs and out interpretation of their effects


	a.  Have you or a close relative recently been diagnosed with a
		terminal illness?

	b.  Were you, prior to the accident:
		i.	Listening to:
			Suicide Music (Pink Floyd, Morrisey, etc)
		ii.	Racing "to the death"
		iii.	Thinking about the pointlessness of life
		iv.	Thinking about your collection of 30 years of the
			President's spit

	c.  Had you, prior to the accident:
		i.	Realised that your car is the uncoolest in the world [*]
		ii.	Been involved in a head-banging competetion
		iii.	Been Nominated for Site Computer User of the Year.
		iv.	Been called a "Nice Person"
		[*]	Uncool cars include Datsun 180Bs (with or without
			spoilers and mags), Datsun Sunnys, Morris 1300s
			(AKA Landcrabs), Austin Princess's etc

	a.	Had your vehicle been modified in any way  [See Note 2]

		[Note 2]
		Structural Modifications in this case are taken to mean
		any non-manufacturer additions, removals or modifications to
		the vehicle chassis or body:

		  INCLUDING Engine modification/expansion, Suspension/
		  Brake/Exhaust/Fuel or Carbeurettor modification;

		  INCLUDING Addition of:
			- pin-stripes
			- fluffy dice
			- sheepskin steering-wheel cover
			- cocktail bar
			- little hand that waves in the back window (with or
				without message)
			- little dog in the back window with the head that nods
				when you hit a bump (with or without eyes that
				light up when brake is depressed);
			- Bumper Stickers with inflammatory messages printed
				upon them [See Note 3]
			- A graphic with the words "SPORT", "TURBO" or "GTO"
				or a graphic depicting flames coming from
				any part of the vehicle
			- Stick-on bullet holes for windshields.

		  INCLUDING Fitting, or having fitted anything that may obstruct
			vision out of any window, (Windshield stickers, 
			blonde's legs, etc)

		  INCLUDING changing all or part of your vehicle's colour to
			red (this includes painting of the differential)

	[Note 3]  The words "Go Fuck Yourself" are considered inflammatory


	a.  Were you prior to, or at the time of the accident:
		i.	Involved in an act of sexual intimacy with yourself,
			your partner, a one night-stand, an inanimate object,
			a member of the animal, or for that matter mineral

		ii.	In the act of observing someone either within or
			without the vehicle.  [See Note 4]

		iii.	Opening a bottle or other object with your eye socket

		iv.	Rewinding In-a-gadda-da-vida to the Crescendo on
			the tape deck.

	[Note 4]  Someone in this term can mean a person or persons within
		and inclusive of the descriptive field of "FUCKING UGLY" to

	a.  Had you, prior to your accident:  [See Note 5]

		i.	Informed someone, within or without your vehicle
			as to what you thought of them, their family tree,
			their family genus.
		ii.	Suggested to someone, within or without your vehicle
			what you thought their personal sexual preference
			was, the probable facial features of one of their
			close personal relatives, or the lineage of someone
			that they had cause to be in the company of.

	[Note 5]	In this case, someone is termed to be any person or
			group of persons, including members of gangs, law
			enforcement officers of Los Angeles, "Big Fuckers"
Please fill this form out and return as soon as possible to ensure a rapid settlement of your claim.