Just when you thought it was safe to go to work in cords....

The Compleat Geek Test

(minus one to start if you run this thru a spell checker)

In this, the executive edition of "Are you a Computer Geek?" we comprise the four previous tests in one master test to be taken in your own time. (Minus 10 for measuring this electronically.) Also, it comes with the author's name and email address (Simon Travaglia, spt@waikato.ac.nz) to which you can send copious quantities of money and gifts, should you not luck out entirely.

Without further "AJOO"...

The Compleat Geek Test

 1.  A friend opens a magazine full of scantily-clad members of your
	preferred sex. Do you:
     A.  Openly Ogle
     B.  Act Non-Chalant
     C.  Comment "Gee, that's got to be at least 400 dpi, colour!"
     D.  Slip the hand down the pants for a bit of good, old-fashioned
	 executive relief.

 2.  You're at a party.  Someone comes over and asks you your star sign.
     A.  Tell them to bugger off
     B.  Lay them one in the groin, then tell them to bugger off.
     C.  I don't go to parties.
     D.  I don't get invited to parties.

 3.  You're at the head of a large queue in front of a cash-register in
     a large department store.  The register gives a [beep] and stops dead.
     A.  Wait patiently
     B.  Plant all the stuff you were going to buy in a nearby baby carriage
	 and call the store detective (to while away the time)
     C.  Break out your ever-present C64 notebook and try to debug the thing
     D.  I don't know
 4.  You're shopping for some personal hygiene equipment when the chemist
     runs up saying the prescription database on his 386 is corrupt. You ask:
     A.  What's a prescription database?
     B.  What's a 386?
     C.  What's personal hygenie?
     D.  What was the question again?
 5.  A friend wants to borrow a record off you.  You
     A.  Lend it out, and tell them it's a boomerang.
     B.  Tell them to go buy it.
     C.  Consult your database to see the status of the record concerned
     D.  Sell it to them for a beer.
 6.  You'd most like to meet:
     A.  The person who wrote "Gulag Archipelago"
     B.  The person who wrote "War and Peace"
     C.  The person who wrote MSDOS
     D.  A person who can write
 7.  You win a "Grocery-Grab" at a local supermarket.  You've got one
     minute to pack a cart with as much stuff as you can.  You start:
     A.  In the Liquor Section
     B.  In the Confectionary Lane
     C.  At the Pencil Bar
     D.  At the cash register
 8.  You've been hit by a car and your life flashes before your eyes.
     The thing you remember most vividly is:
     A.  Your Mother's voice as a child
     B.  Your first Love
     C.  The ASCII table.
     D.  The tire pressure was maybe a little too high
 9.  You get to compete on blind date.  You have one statement to change
     the choosers mind about you.  You say:
     A.  I've got a 12 inch tongue
     B.  I can go all night
     C.  I'VE GOT A 386SX with 64K Ram Cache!!!
     D.  I've killed 5 people
 10. You feel naked without your:
     A.  Electric Guitar
     B.  Wallet
     C.  VT100 pocket reference guide
     D.  Axe
 11. You see someone standing on a ledge, about to jump.  You can save
     them if you say the right thing.  You say:
     A.  I know things are bad, but do you want to talk about it?
     B.  I feel you just need someone to talk to
     C.  Want to come and play on my C64?
     D.  I bet you haven't got the guts.... 
 12. You told your best friend the first time you:
     A.  Had Sex
     B.  Had Oral Sex
     C.  Got a Ram expansion
     D.  Killed a cat.
 13. No-one understands you like:
     A.  Your Mother
     B.  Your Father
     C.  Your PC
     D.  Your Parole Officer
 14. For your 18th birthday you wanted:
     A.  A Car
     B.  A Shaver
     C.  A C64 Cassette Drive
     D.  Some Piano Wire, and the Neigbours Cat

Mostly A's:

You're normal. Boring Boring Boring. You're the sort of person who'll just fritter their way thru life enjoying themselves and having a good time. Shame on you!

Mostly B's:

You're mostly normal. Nothing a little ECT can't clear away in any case. You almost make it into the "Mostly A's" above.

Mostly C's:

Geek Alert! Break out the pocket protector! With a set of horn rims and a pocket calculator, you're ready for Revenge Part #72. You can be the person that gets beat up all the time.

Mostly D's:

So you're a socipath; But that doesn't mean you're a bad person! Just keep taking the Lithium and everything'll be fine

Part II - Are you STILL a computer geek?

Ok, so you lucked out last time - you were about as socially adjusted as
an onion and jelly sandwhich, BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE CHANGED!  You may not be
a computer geek any more!   It's possible!!!  (Not probable, but  possible)
Test yourself now!
 1.  It's a stag party for one of your friends.  You and the rest of your
     friends all put money in for:
     a.  A set of driving mirrors
     b.  A stripper
     c.  A stripper with a set of driving mirrors
     d.  A VGA screen so he can check out alt.sex.pictures.of.girlies
 2.  You want to improve your social life.  You
     a.  Ask people to go out with you.
     b.  Join a club to meet new people
     c.  Drink yourself unconcious and forget about it.
     d.  What's a social life?
 3.  You ideal partner would have:
     a.  Looks
     b.  Intelligence
     c.  Money
     d.  A 1.2 Gig Hard Drive, Twin floppies + SVGA screen, and 5 Meg
 4.  You have the most horrific nightmare of your life.  It involves:
     a.  You driving off a cliff
     b.  You showing up somewhere with no clothes on
     c.  A hungry alsation, your private parts and some tomato sauce.
     d.  A tax on pocket protectors and thick glasses
 5.  You're on blind date.   The question you would ask is:
     a.  "Name the weirdest place you ever kissed someone"
     b.  "Name the weirdest place you ever made love"
     c.  "Name the weirdest place you ever played soggy biscuit"
     d.  "Name the weirdest place you ever booted MSDOS 4"
 6.  Your role model is:
     a.  Rudolf Steiner
     b.  Mother Theresa
     c.  Charlie Manson
     d.  R2D2
 7.  Your favourite fashion accessory is:
     a.  Winklepickers
     b.  Collar Studs
     c.  An axe
     d.  What's fashion?
 8.  If you had your life to live again, would you:
     a.  Make no changes
     b.  Make a few changes
     c.  Make a lot of changes
     d.  Upgrade to SVGA
 9.  Your favourite pickup line is:
     a.  "I've just won the lottery"
     b.  "Has anyone seen the keys to my Porsche?"
     c.  "Shit, I'm pissed"
     d.  "I'm superuser at work.."
 10. During sexual climax, you think of:
     a.  Your partner
     b.  Your partner's body
     c.  Yourself
     d.  The 487 co-processor at 52 Meg
You don't really need the score card do you?

Mostly A's or B's means you're the normal run-of-the-mill, 90212 (the house next door) walk alike, talk alike that gives us real jerks a bad name; C's mean you're a.. Well, frankly, I haven't got a clue what the hell you are, but you're unique. D's - give up all hope.

Are you a LATENT Computer Geek?

So you got away by the skin of your teeth on the first two questionairres, but this is it, the biggy - the DECIDER. You *could* be latent, with a geek laying dormant in your subconcious, just waiting to get out. Find out now with our five minute geek test part III. No cheating now, remember, you're not cheating us, you're just cheating your analyst out of 180 an hour...

1.	It's your birthday and your parents give you are large parcel.
	You hope:
	a.	It's expensive
	b.	It's something that'll help you "score"
	c.	It's got an alcohol content
	d.	It's a full height 5 meg hard-disk for your computer museum

2.	Your favourite STTNG star is:
	a.	The Captain - Always the Captain
	b.	The Captain too, cos he scores all the good chicks, just
		like on the old generation
	c.	The guy with the car air-cleaner for glasses
	d.	Data

3.	You've got $20 left in your bank account, it's a friday night
	and you're bored.  You
	a.	Go see some friends and bludge off them
	b.	Invest your money in a couple of bottles of cheap
		cherry ripple leg-opener
	c.	Leave it in the bank as the interest rate is almost
		6 percent!
	d.	Go downtown and tease the autoback machine by withdrawing
		the money and cancelling it at the last minute

4.	The highlight of your career was when you
	a.	Pulled off a currency deal worth 31 Million
	b.	Bought R18 magazines when you were 16
	c.	Successfully Diagnosed yourself as having 3 degenerative
		brain disorders
	d.	Got your C64 to talk to the Washing machine so you
		really *could* program the wash

5.	Your cousin is the Black Sheep of the family because
	a.	He doesn't have a cell-phone
	b.	He doesn't drink Jack Daniels from the bottle
	c.	He doesn't collect unemployement benefit
	d.	He doesn't have a 486-40 with at least 120 Meg HD

6.	You win a trip to any destination.  You go to:
	a.	Wall Street, the home of money
	b.	Gracelands, home of Elvis
	c.	Anywhere marrying siblings is legal
	d.	The Motorola factory

7.	You never cried so much as when
	a.	They told you Santa wasn't real
	b.	The Beatles split up
	c.	They told you you'd moved to an alcohol-free district
	d.	You heard Commodore 64s were discontinued

8.	The partner of your dreams is
	a.	A currency consultant with a Jet Ski and a Timeshare in Florida
	b.	An attractive blond with Big Bazookies that talks dirty
	c.	Dead
	d.	A 486 with personality simulation

9.	You have 24 hours to live.  You
	a.	Sell everything and indulge yourself
	b.	Make peace with you enemies
	c.	See if Anti-Freeze *is* drinkable
	d.	Back your personality up onto 8 inch floppies.

10.	The greatest threat to our way of life is
	a.	Nuclear Weapons
	b.	Communists
	c.	Low-Proof Alcohol
	d.	8 bit graphics

11.	You're drunk at a party.  You talk about:
	a.	Your financial model of the world
	b.	The one that ripped your heart out of your body,
		stomped on it, shot it twice, set it on fire, then
		flushed it down the toilet like...
	c.	How to make a good fruit punch with Ethyl Alcohol
	d.	Which is the better disk controller, MFM or RLL

12.	You have a kid.  What do you call it?
	a.	"Wall-Street", "Money" or "Profit"
	b.	A Single Syllable name like "Dave" or "Sue"
	c.	A miracle.
	d.	R-Two

13.	In the embarrassing old family photographs, you're always
	the one:
	a.	With the torn jeans
	b.	With the hair sticking up at the back
	c.	Clutching your Genetalia
	d.	With two pens of the SAME COLOUR in your top pocket,
		and no greens

14.	When you die, your burial wishes are to be:
	a.	Buried in a gold-plated coffin
	b.	Cremated at a quiet ceremony
	c.	Dead first
	d.	Buried with a full set of MSDOS-4 floppies and Manuals

How did you do?

Mostly A's - You're not a geek, but we still hate you.

Mostly B's - You're normalish, no intellectual threat and not really a geek either

Mostly C's - You're really out there somewhere aren't you?

Mostly D's - BING! On the nail. Need we say more? Ok?

		  10 PRINT "GEEK"
		  20 GOTO 10
Get the picture?


You've tried the first test and failed. You tried the second test, cheated, and still failed. You tried the third test and couldn't believe how accurate it was. NOW, it's here, your last chance to rejoin humanity....

	A R E   Y O U   A   C O M P U T E R   G E E K,   P A R T   4

1.	You are to donate sperm.  (Whether they want it or not)  You are
	offered a choice of reading materials.  You choose
	a.   A "Penthouse" and "Playboy" Smorgasbord
	b.   "Thick, Muscled Penis Monthly"
	c.   "Leather Schoolgirl Enema Treatment"

2.	A voluptuous member of the opposite sex drops their clothes in front
	of you.  You're heartbroken because
	a.   You've got a day-old groin strain that's crippling you
	b.   You didn't get the "Turbo" option on your pacemaker
	c.   You see that the expiry date on your condoms is suffixed "B.C"
	d.   It'll take you about an hour with a hand-scanner to digitise
		the image.

3.	You're out buying a new car.  You want to know:
	a.   What it's top speed is.
	b.   Whether your mother will like it.
	c.   How much "head" room it has
	d.   What the car-computer download specs are.

4.	The greatest surprise of your life was when
	a.   You found your bank balance was in the black
	b.   Your mother walked in on you...  you know...
	c.   When there was a snap "special" on methylated spirits.
	d.   You found 3K free on that 4 year old floppy!!!

5.	Your favourite type of music is:
	a.   Queen
	b.   "Easy Listening"
	c.   Something Heavy
	d.   Anything on a moog synthesiser

6.	In your last yearbook, you were voted:
	a.   Person most likely to do something pointless
	b.   Person least like to succeed
	c.   Person most likely to get an STD named after them
	d.   Person most likely to be fitted with High Density floppies.

7.	In a lift you:
	a.   Stare at the lights
	b.   Try not to touch anyone
	c.   Try to touch as many people as possible
	d.   Try and figure out the floor the lift is programmed
		to return to when idle

8.	You win $4000.00 in cash.  You refer to it as:
	a.   "A major windfall!"
	b.   "My chance for a new life"
	c.   "One hell of a BIG NIGHT OUT!"
	d.   "4 K bucks in folding mode"

	You really don't need the answers do you?  I think not.
	geekprintf( "geek\n");