I was running Chuck Norris' flight simulator, which is a bit like Chuck Yeager's except that if you pirate it Chuck comes and hunts you down - and there was a knock at the door. Quick as I could I hid the floppy and the crack notes underneath a loose floor tile, rebooted the machine and answered the door.
It was Chuck Norris.
He looked pissed.
"I'm pissed at you" he said, which goes to show I'm a pretty good judge of character when my back's against the wall and the soap's by my feet, but more about that later in the prison series...
"I'm pissed at you" he says, which I already told you but didn't want you forgetting - you know like you do when you go to the supermarket and there's ONE thing you just have to get, like a Mrs Mabel Oven Mitt because your old one just won't survive one more time through the jilted lover's nightmare of life and you get there and get all sorts of stuff but STILL FORGET, OR, forget like I do when I've just been introduced to someone at the pub, and they're really good looking and with brains as well, and I've only just been introduced but I forgot her name already and all I can remember is the woman next to her who hates me is Bernice or something. And so I'll go through hell and high water trying to get her name from her, cos I know I'll remember it if I hear it, but I have to stop thinking about it because if I try too hard I won't even remember it if I DO hear it, which is a real turn-off. In the end of course, I'll end up saying something suave and debonnaire' like "Shit, I'm such a suck, I've completely forgotten your name, I think it was cos I was breathing in the fumes off Bernices' armpits" then Bernice will hit me and I'll end up not scoring for the 7000th night in a row.
Not that I'm a defeatist or anything.
So Chuck Norris is there, and I won't tell you he says "I'm pissed at you" again, because you know.
"Where's the floppies?" he asks, and I know there's no point in bluffing
"What floppies?" I ask.
He nun-chucks me in the head. It was worth a try.
"Underneath the floor tile" I say.
He bends down to retreive them and I bring my VVVGA screen on his head, killing him.
What the hell, I never liked his movies anyway. I push him under the floor tile when I hear another knock at the door. It's Bruce Lee.
"You can't kill me cos I'm dead" he says
I kill him anyway. You've got to know how to deal with these people.
Shit, I'm pissed off today