This is a little something I wrote last semester. Chris Phelps (cphelp1) had asked me how to get cyrillic fonts in Zephyr. Of course, I don't know a whole lot about Zephyr, and fonts are against my religion, so I decided to write something funny.

These are not officially approved fonts.. We have not yet assimilated the Russians^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Cyrillic fonts, neither have we assimilated that mysterious box you are using.

You are hereby ordered to switch to a single user machine running Windows NT. Single user Windows NT is better than multi-user UNIX, because 1 > many. On your wonderful new NT machine you can choose from a variety of wonderful Officially Assimilated (TM) Fonts, such as Times- Roman, Times-Roman bold, Times-Roman italic, and even Times-Roman gothic! (For a nominal fee of $, you can even get Zapf Dingbats (TM))

Our friends at the hardware companies will also tell you of the wonders of NT. <You are not seeing this text.> They can tell you how it efficiently uses memory. <Buy more RAM.> They can show you Windows NT running smoothly. <Buy a dual processor Pentium.> They can show you wonderful NT video. <Accelerated video only $600 more.> Run Windows NT and satisfy your long-term computing needs. <Save up your money, next year you'll want to buy our newer model.> NT is the system of the future.

Don't worry about giving up Zephyr, either. You can always just walk over to your friend's desk and start talking while you're waiting for the screen to refresh. And next year, we will assimilate Zephyr to bring you Zephyr NT! Zephyr NT has all the features you've come to expect from that primitive version that runs under UNIX, but with the improvements that only the collective^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Microsoft can bring you.

With Zephyr NT, you can have up to two message classes, and up to three different instances per class! For just a few thousand dollars more, you can get Zephyr NT Advanced Sending Server. When you grab onto Bill's (Hail Bill!) Advanced Sending Server, you can have as many as _three_ message classes, with six instances per class! See your Microsoft assimilation representative for availability details.

Best of all, both Zephyr NT and Zephyr NT Advanced Sending Server have the advanced single user features you've come to expect from Microsoft. We have airtight security. No more annoying messages from other users saying things that you may or may not want to hear. No unauthorized users will ever enter your Zephyr NT realm. (Just make sure to follow Microsoft Security Procedure Alpha-Sigma-Sigma-34.5; whenever you are not personally watching your fantastic new NT computer, short out the power for your building. Make sure to come back before power is restored, or some scoundrel might use the <ctrl>-<alt>-<del> vulnerability to boot your computer in single user mode. <But isn't it already single user?> Err ... Umm ... Single Users are irrelevant. Married Users are irrelevant. You will obey. Format! Format! Format!)