Chain Letters

So I'm at the post office, and straight away I know I'm in trouble because the letter's got a stamp and a handwritten address. I was hoping for a franked, typed envelope - a bill or something expected like that. A hand- written envelope can only mean one thing - someone's found me.
Bugger.
I open the envelope and the sweat evaporates - it's just a chain letter.
I read the letter and it's a sex one this time. Full of "pass this on or your sex life will turn to shit" and that sort of thing. I wonder briefly if I've received this letter before in some way because I seem to have spent the last year or so paying for it.
Shit I hate chain letters. Next to pyramid selling, people who pass chain letters on should be the first in line for a swift couple of kicks in the genitals. And as for the people who write the things in the first place...
I get the name of all the senders off it and write my own. It goes like this:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This letter was written in Dryroot, Texas.

It will bring you good luck if you pass it on to everyone you know.  Honest!
Don't send me money - that's my other scam, this one's for free.

In 1978 it was passed to Ellis Wilson who immediately got a hard-on.  Sick 
Bitch. She never passed it on; I found out and went round her place and blew
her away with my magnum.  Next I passed it on to the three Wayne brothers in
Mark 4 Zephyr, Illinois.  They never passed it on either, so I ran them down
outside a picture theatre after "Staying Alive" in 1981.  How they came to
be watching it 2 years before it's release date has me buggered too, but
I killed them anyway.   Petrice Washington of Penis-Envy, Montana was next
to get the letter but she couldn't read.  Didn't matter tho, I caved her
head in with a house-brick one night while she was watching "Studs", which
is reason enough in itself for getting your head bashed in.  Next in line
for the letter was Roy Bladder of Date-Farmer, Ohio he gave it to his mother,
but she burnt it so I gave them both a cement enema before pushing them off
the Empire State building in '91.  He died happy tho, the bastard!  After
him came Sharon Ellis-Winters of Brown-Tongue, Texas and Dave Smith of
Puckered-Anus, Mississipi or however you spell that bloody place, and they
did bugger all with it, but admittedly, I did kill them with an electric
toothbrush (with hammer action) 5 minutes after they received it.  Sharon
hadn't even opened the envelope either.  Talk about laugh!  After them was
Alice CD-Player and Pete Wall-Calendar both of BleedingPrivates, Indiana
who met at the bar where I hang out, but the selfish bastards stacked their
car into a school bus before I could get to them.

Anyway, next in the line is you {XXXXXX}. 

And I've just bought a shiny new chainsaw.

I don't give a shit whether you pass the message on or not any more."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I drop the letters in the post and wander back home. On the way home I throw the letter I got in the bin. Do your worst.

spt@waikato.ac.nz