Some things that go together
... But I can't tell you exactly why
Lately, I have been thinking about a few things. Even under the new
Censorship Law, that's not a crime yet. I have even
discussed them with my friends, and that's not a crime either, so long
as I do not use any form of electronic device to help in the
discussion. In fact, if I correctly understand existing law, I could
even stand on a street corner in a big city during rush hour and hand
out papers with my ideas printed on them, to as many people as I want.
But God forbid that I should send these ideas in a private
E-mail message to my friends. After all, some 17 year old warez d00d
might crack root on one of the large, well-protected computers here at
UMBC. If that were to happen, my message might be exposed to the eyes
of a minor. Oh horror! The only way to save myself from the long arm
of the law is to make sure that nothing I write is "indecent". (Sure,
reading of E-mail by a third party is uncommon, and it is even more
uncommon for that third party to be under 18. So what? The law will
punish me for writing "indecent" material which could be read
by a minor, regardless of the extreme unlikeliness of such reading.)
So, since I am forced to write material that is only suitable for the
eyes of children, why send it in private E-mail? If our government
can't tell the difference between public and private communication, I
won't bother to tell the difference either. Accordingly, here are a
few of my interesting ideas. I have carefully made sure not to use
any "dirty words", and I have not discussed any illegal topics, such
as how to avoid ven****l diseases, or what I think about ab***ion, or
who I think you should v**e for in the November el***ions. (Oops!
That one's still legal. So far. I extend my deepest
apologies to all those wonderful people in Our Nations Capital. I am
so sorry that I even implied that you would be willing to censor
political discussion. After all, any fool can see that you are only
censoring discussion about non-political things like b**th c****ol,
ab***ion, and other "indecent" stuff like that.)
Before I begin, let me hasten to remind you that none of this stuff is
meant to offend The President, the FBI, the ATF, the CIA, the NSA, or
any local or state police agency. I know all about the wonders of
selective enforcement, and I want you to know that I really,
really, don't intend to make any of you guys (and gals) mad
So, finally, I launch into the funny part
As a consultant at the UMBC computer labs, enforcing policy is part of
my job, even if I don't like that policy. The "No food and drink in
the labs policy" is one of the policies that I enforce, and I try to
catch as many policy violators as I can. I happen to like this policy
- considering all the conditions in the UMBC computer labs, this is
one of those places where food and computers do not belong anywhere
near each other.
I happen to believe, though, that food and drink need not always be
kept in a different room than the one in which the computers are used.
In fact, there are times when having food around a computer can be a
really good thing. If you happen to be one of those people
who has certain ideas about women, (I can't say what ideas,
considering the new law) you might find that computers, slippery
foods, and women are a nice combination.
I happen to think there are combinations that go particularly well
together. Once you combine the proper ingredients, I am forbidden by
law to use any electronic device to communicate to you the ideas I
have about what to do next. Also, to avoid offending anyone, I'm only
considering fictional women as companions for these excercises. (And
please note that these writings are not intended to relate in
any way at all to any real person who might somehow be associated with
these fictional characters.)
- The Cray T3E,
wasabi (Japanese horseradish), and Ryoko (From Tenchi
What an explosive combination! All three need to be treated with
great care because of their raw power. If your nervous system has
fuses installed, these three can blow them. (The fuses, Mister
Policeman, I'm talking about blowing the fuses!)
- The Cray T932,
duck sauce, and Adult-Washu (From Tenchi
Ancient traditions, multi-faceted and full of incomprehensible and
(occasionally) subtle power. This combination can do things to your
mind ... wonderful things.
- The Cray J916,
Cherry Jell-O, and Washu-chan (From Tenchi
Many of the same benefits of the previously mentioned group, and in a
small, cute package. However, there are practical and moral
ramifications that I can't discuss in any electronic forum.
- The IBM S/390
(Running AIX), Blue
Jell-O, and Kuno Kodachi
These three will be your loyal companions, like it or not. Once
you've tried this combination, experimenting with any other could
cost you your life.
- The IBM S/390
(Running MVS), Blue
Jell-O, and Shampoo
The same comments apply here as in the example above, but with the
additional warning that you probably don't understand their language.
- A Pentium
133 (Running Windows
95), hot Cheese Whiz, and Girl-enemy Ranma (From
Physically, the Pentium 133 is a computer. It's a real
computer. But with Windows 95 installed, it doesn't think like a real
computer. Female Ranma, physically, is all woman. Mentally, there's
not a bit of womanhood in him. Cheese Whiz looks and acts like some
sort of food item, but recent top-secret research reveals it as a
failed attempt by an eccentric alien scientist to imitate Super Glue.
- The IBM AS/400,
goat blood, and a Shuggoth (From H. P. Lovecraft)
If you get the same feelings from looking at an AS/400 that I get from
looking at a Cray, there's something really strange about
you. The Shuggoth can help you get in touch with the Old Ones.
They'll be happy to hear from you. Really. And if you don't think
goat blood is a food item - don't worry, the Shuggoth does.
- Any 386
(Running Windows 95),
cold molasses, and Inflatable Ingrid (From Red Dwarf)
The cold molasses is the quickest of the bunch. Ingrid is the
smartest. These three are perfect if vigorous motion makes you
- Any 486
NT), baked beans, and Ichinose Hanae (From Maison Ikkoku)
These three match up perfectly. Each one will help you open data
connections, whether you like it or not. If you want a network full
of bad packets, an ear full of bad rumors, and a nose full of bad
f***s, this combination was designed for you.
- The SGI Indy, barbeque sauce, and
Roppongi Akemi (From Maison Ikkoku)
These three are ready to interconnect with many things, and in many
situations. They're also a real treat for the senses.
- The Be Box, Cherry Jell-O, and
Otonashi(?) Ikkuko (From Maison Ikkoku)
Sometimes, the little ones are the cutest. Sometimes, it can be hard
to wait. You can pick up cherry Jell-O in most stores. You can pick
up a Be Box through the Be a Developer program. But if you try to
pick up Ikkuko-chan, be prepared to deal with the police. (If there's
anything left after Kyoko-san gets done with you!)
- The SGI Power Challenge XL, pineapple dessert topping, and Belldandy (From Ah! My Goddess!)
Have you ever laughed when someone told you to dream impossible
dreams, to keep reaching for what seems unreachable?
(I know, it's a bit of a stretch. But don't you think Belldandy would
look charming t*** t* a Challenge, with pineapple dessert topping
dripping from her n**** b***?)
- Morisato Keiichi never expected divine intervention in his life,
but when Belldandy arrived he held divine power in his arms.
- Years ago, everybody believed serious computing would always come
with a glass cage and an expensive maintenance contract. Then SGI
built a box to take in house current and put out gigaflops.
- And the pineapple dessert topping? Well, there was once a time
when tropical fruit products were not available to people with
- The SGI Crimson, rasberry jam,
and Shayla-Shayla (From El-Hazard)
Sexy, strong, sweet, charming, red. How could I resist?
- Sharon Apple (From Macross
Plus), chocolate ice cream, and Skuld
(From Ah! My
Skuld is a little young, but she's yummy looking, and she has great
debugging skills. Chocolate ice cream also looks yummy, and it's
great for fixing your problems. (Just ask Deanna Troi.) To
complement this tasty combination, I wanted to think of a computer
that has a reputation for being really good for fixing bugs.
Unfortunately, I couldn't think of one. So instead, I picked a
computer that could really use some help. A night with Sharon Apple
could cost you your life, but some men are eager to pay the price.
Imagine how much more attractive she would be if she were not a
psychopathic killer. (And, if you don't plug her into any
communication network, she would even be legal under current
- A DEC AlphaServer 8400 (Running VMS), hot caramel, and Otonashi
Kyoko (From Maison
Some women (and some computers) have the strength to keep going, even
when the past is a burden to them. With burdens like VMS and
Soichiro-san's death, you have to admire their strength. And if you
don't admire their beauty too, I can only think that your heart is
made of wood.
- A DEC AlphaServer 8400 (Running UNIX), Lime Jell-O,
and Godai Kyoko (From Maison Ikkoku)
The same woman, and the same computer, but free from historical pain
and ready to face the future. What man wouldn't want to stand with
them when they do?
- Any 680x0 Macintosh, Elmer's School Glue, and Elmira (From Tiny-Toon Adventures)
You've got to admit, there's some serious cuteness here. There's also
some serious obsession with cuteness. The sane and intelligent man
will run away from this GUI - er - sticky situation.
- A Power Macintosh 9500, Crazy Glue, and Shiratori Asuza (From Ranma 1/2)
This time, cuteness is combined with some sophistocation and (Let's
admit it, guys) attraction. I'd still run away if I were you. After
all, the Macintosh may be less proprietary than it used to be, but
Asuza-chan can make up the difference.
- The Power Macintosh 7200/120 PC Compatible, sweet and sour sauce, and
Frol (From They Were 11)
Find the answers to the questions everyone is asking!
Inquiring minds want to know!
- Is it a Mac or a PC?
- Is it sweet or is it sour?
- Is it male or is it female?
- The W.O.P.R. (From War Games), prune juice, and Akiko-sama (From All-Purpose
Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku)
For the Klingon man, the attraction is irresistable. Enough said.
NOTE: This page is not complete yet. I'm making it available anyway
for you to enjoy, but I will keep revising it. Mail me if you have