Some things that go together

... But I can't tell you exactly why

But God forbid that I should send these ideas in a private E-mail message to my friends. After all, some 17 year old warez d00d might crack root on one of the large, well-protected computers here at UMBC. If that were to happen, my message might be exposed to the eyes of a minor. Oh horror! The only way to save myself from the long arm of the law is to make sure that nothing I write is "indecent". (Sure, reading of E-mail by a third party is uncommon, and it is even more uncommon for that third party to be under 18. So what? The law will punish me for writing "indecent" material which could be read by a minor, regardless of the extreme unlikeliness of such reading.)

So, since I am forced to write material that is only suitable for the eyes of children, why send it in private E-mail? If our government can't tell the difference between public and private communication, I won't bother to tell the difference either. Accordingly, here are a few of my interesting ideas. I have carefully made sure not to use any "dirty words", and I have not discussed any illegal topics, such as how to avoid ven****l diseases, or what I think about ab***ion, or who I think you should v**e for in the November el***ions. (Oops! That one's still legal. So far. I extend my deepest apologies to all those wonderful people in Our Nations Capital. I am so sorry that I even implied that you would be willing to censor political discussion. After all, any fool can see that you are only censoring discussion about non-political things like b**th c****ol, ab***ion, and other "indecent" stuff like that.)

So, finally, I launch into the funny part

I happen to believe, though, that food and drink need not always be kept in a different room than the one in which the computers are used. In fact, there are times when having food around a computer can be a really good thing. If you happen to be one of those people who has certain ideas about women, (I can't say what ideas, considering the new law) you might find that computers, slippery foods, and women are a nice combination.

I happen to think there are combinations that go particularly well together. Once you combine the proper ingredients, I am forbidden by law to use any electronic device to communicate to you the ideas I have about what to do next. Also, to avoid offending anyone, I'm only considering fictional women as companions for these excercises. (And please note that these writings are not intended to relate in any way at all to any real person who might somehow be associated with these fictional characters.)

• The Cray T3E, wasabi (Japanese horseradish), and Ryoko (From Tenchi Muyo)
  What an explosive combination! All three need to be treated with great care because of their raw power. If your nervous system has fuses installed, these three can blow them. (The fuses, Mister Policeman, I'm talking about blowing the fuses!)

• The Cray T932, duck sauce, and Adult-Washu (From Tenchi Muyo)
  Ancient traditions, multi-faceted and full of incomprehensible and (occasionally) subtle power. This combination can do things to your mind ... wonderful things.

• The Cray J916, Cherry Jell-O, and Washu-chan (From Tenchi Muyo)
  Many of the same benefits of the previously mentioned group, and in a small, cute package. However, there are practical and moral ramifications that I can't discuss in any electronic forum.

• The IBM S/390 (Running AIX), Blue Jell-O, and Kuno Kodachi (From Ranma 1/2)
  These three will be your loyal companions, like it or not. Once you've tried this combination, experimenting with any other could cost you your life.

• The IBM S/390 (Running MVS), Blue Jell-O, and Shampoo (From Ranma 1/2)
  The same comments apply here as in the example above, but with the additional warning that you probably don't understand their language.

• A Pentium 133 (Running Windows 95), hot Cheese Whiz, and Girl-enemy Ranma (From Ranma 1/2)
  Physically, the Pentium 133 is a computer. It's a real computer. But with Windows 95 installed, it doesn't think like a real computer. Female Ranma, physically, is all woman. Mentally, there's not a bit of womanhood in him. Cheese Whiz looks and acts like some sort of food item, but recent top-secret research reveals it as a failed attempt by an eccentric alien scientist to imitate Super Glue.

• The IBM AS/400, goat blood, and a Shuggoth (From H. P. Lovecraft)
  If you get the same feelings from looking at an AS/400 that I get from looking at a Cray, there's something really strange about you. The Shuggoth can help you get in touch with the Old Ones. They'll be happy to hear from you. Really. And if you don't think goat blood is a food item - don't worry, the Shuggoth does.

• Any 386 (Running Windows 95), cold molasses, and Inflatable Ingrid (From Red Dwarf)
  The cold molasses is the quickest of the bunch. Ingrid is the smartest. These three are perfect if vigorous motion makes you nauseous.

• Any 486 (Running Windows NT), baked beans, and Ichinose Hanae (From Maison Ikkoku)
  These three match up perfectly. Each one will help you open data connections, whether you like it or not. If you want a network full of bad packets, an ear full of bad rumors, and a nose full of bad f***s, this combination was designed for you.

• The SGI Indy, barbeque sauce, and Roppongi Akemi (From Maison Ikkoku)
  These three are ready to interconnect with many things, and in many situations. They're also a real treat for the senses.

• The Be Box, Cherry Jell-O, and Otonashi(?) Ikkuko (From Maison Ikkoku)
  Sometimes, the little ones are the cutest. Sometimes, it can be hard to wait. You can pick up cherry Jell-O in most stores. You can pick up a Be Box through the Be a Developer program. But if you try to pick up Ikkuko-chan, be prepared to deal with the police. (If there's anything left after Kyoko-san gets done with you!)

• The SGI Power Challenge XL, pineapple dessert topping, and Belldandy (From Ah! My Goddess!)
  Have you ever laughed when someone told you to dream impossible dreams, to keep reaching for what seems unreachable?
  • Morisato Keiichi never expected divine intervention in his life, but when Belldandy arrived he held divine power in his arms.
  • Years ago, everybody believed serious computing would always come with a glass cage and an expensive maintenance contract. Then SGI built a box to take in house current and put out gigaflops.
  • And the pineapple dessert topping? Well, there was once a time when tropical fruit products were not available to people with ordinary budgets.
  (I know, it's a bit of a stretch. But don't you think Belldandy would look charming t*** t* a Challenge, with pineapple dessert topping dripping from her n**** b***?)

• The SGI Crimson, rasberry jam, and Shayla-Shayla (From El-Hazard)
  Sexy, strong, sweet, charming, red. How could I resist?

• Sharon Apple (From Macross Plus), chocolate ice cream, and Skuld (From Ah! My Goddess!)
  Skuld is a little young, but she's yummy looking, and she has great debugging skills. Chocolate ice cream also looks yummy, and it's great for fixing your problems. (Just ask Deanna Troi.) To complement this tasty combination, I wanted to think of a computer that has a reputation for being really good for fixing bugs. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of one. So instead, I picked a computer that could really use some help. A night with Sharon Apple could cost you your life, but some men are eager to pay the price. Imagine how much more attractive she would be if she were not a psychopathic killer. (And, if you don't plug her into any communication network, she would even be legal under current U.S. law.)

• A DEC AlphaServer 8400 (Running VMS), hot caramel, and Otonashi Kyoko (From Maison Ikkoku)
  Some women (and some computers) have the strength to keep going, even when the past is a burden to them. With burdens like VMS and Soichiro-san's death, you have to admire their strength. And if you don't admire their beauty too, I can only think that your heart is made of wood.

• A DEC AlphaServer 8400 (Running UNIX), Lime Jell-O, and Godai Kyoko (From Maison Ikkoku)
  The same woman, and the same computer, but free from historical pain and ready to face the future. What man wouldn't want to stand with them when they do?

• Any 680x0 Macintosh, Elmer's School Glue, and Elmira (From Tiny-Toon Adventures)
  You've got to admit, there's some serious cuteness here. There's also some serious obsession with cuteness. The sane and intelligent man will run away from this GUI - er - sticky situation.

• A Power Macintosh 9500, Crazy Glue, and Shiratori Asuza (From Ranma 1/2)
  This time, cuteness is combined with some sophistocation and (Let's admit it, guys) attraction. I'd still run away if I were you. After all, the Macintosh may be less proprietary than it used to be, but Asuza-chan can make up the difference.

• The Power Macintosh 7200/120 PC Compatible, sweet and sour sauce, and Frol (From They Were 11)
  Find the answers to the questions everyone is asking!
  • Is it a Mac or a PC?
  • Is it sweet or is it sour?
  • Is it male or is it female?
  Inquiring minds want to know!

• The W.O.P.R. (From War Games), prune juice, and Akiko-sama (From All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku)
  For the Klingon man, the attraction is irresistable. Enough said.