Some things that go together

... But I can't tell you exactly why

Lately, I have been thinking about a few things. Even under the new Censorship Law, that's not a crime yet. I have even discussed them with my friends, and that's not a crime either, so long as I do not use any form of electronic device to help in the discussion. In fact, if I correctly understand existing law, I could even stand on a street corner in a big city during rush hour and hand out papers with my ideas printed on them, to as many people as I want.

But God forbid that I should send these ideas in a private E-mail message to my friends. After all, some 17 year old warez d00d might crack root on one of the large, well-protected computers here at UMBC. If that were to happen, my message might be exposed to the eyes of a minor. Oh horror! The only way to save myself from the long arm of the law is to make sure that nothing I write is "indecent". (Sure, reading of E-mail by a third party is uncommon, and it is even more uncommon for that third party to be under 18. So what? The law will punish me for writing "indecent" material which could be read by a minor, regardless of the extreme unlikeliness of such reading.)

So, since I am forced to write material that is only suitable for the eyes of children, why send it in private E-mail? If our government can't tell the difference between public and private communication, I won't bother to tell the difference either. Accordingly, here are a few of my interesting ideas. I have carefully made sure not to use any "dirty words", and I have not discussed any illegal topics, such as how to avoid ven****l diseases, or what I think about ab***ion, or who I think you should v**e for in the November el***ions. (Oops! That one's still legal. So far. I extend my deepest apologies to all those wonderful people in Our Nations Capital. I am so sorry that I even implied that you would be willing to censor political discussion. After all, any fool can see that you are only censoring discussion about non-political things like b**th c****ol, ab***ion, and other "indecent" stuff like that.)

Before I begin, let me hasten to remind you that none of this stuff is meant to offend The President, the FBI, the ATF, the CIA, the NSA, or any local or state police agency. I know all about the wonders of selective enforcement, and I want you to know that I really, really, don't intend to make any of you guys (and gals) mad at me.

So, finally, I launch into the funny part

As a consultant at the UMBC computer labs, enforcing policy is part of my job, even if I don't like that policy. The "No food and drink in the labs policy" is one of the policies that I enforce, and I try to catch as many policy violators as I can. I happen to like this policy - considering all the conditions in the UMBC computer labs, this is one of those places where food and computers do not belong anywhere near each other.

I happen to believe, though, that food and drink need not always be kept in a different room than the one in which the computers are used. In fact, there are times when having food around a computer can be a really good thing. If you happen to be one of those people who has certain ideas about women, (I can't say what ideas, considering the new law) you might find that computers, slippery foods, and women are a nice combination.

I happen to think there are combinations that go particularly well together. Once you combine the proper ingredients, I am forbidden by law to use any electronic device to communicate to you the ideas I have about what to do next. Also, to avoid offending anyone, I'm only considering fictional women as companions for these excercises. (And please note that these writings are not intended to relate in any way at all to any real person who might somehow be associated with these fictional characters.)

NOTE: This page is not complete yet. I'm making it available anyway for you to enjoy, but I will keep revising it. Mail me if you have any ideas.