CaveBear's Catalog of Super Performance Products For Your Network

Is your network too slow? Of course it is. Do you want to speed it up? Of course you do. Well, you have come to the right place! We've got a line of products that will speed up your network!

The CaveBear TURBO TERMINATOR

Is your thinnet or thicknet lifeless. Does it just sit there on the floor looking bored?
Well, then the CaveBear TURBO TERMINATOR is what you need.
Just replace those tired, slow standard terminators with a pair of CaveBear TURBO TERMINATORs.
The CaveBear TURBO TERMINATOR generates 20 million positive and negative polarity pulses each second! The electromagnetic push and pull generated by the CaveBear TURBO TERMINTORs causes the bits on your Ethernet to accelerate to nearly the speed of light!

The CaveBear T-1 TESTAROSSA

Did you know that in Europe they drive their T-1s at over 2 Megabits per second? So, why is it that here in the USA you only get 1.54 Megabits? Where did nearly one half megabit per second go? Is it government regulation?
What you need is the CaveBear T-1 TESTA ROSA!

The CaveBear ISDN INTENSIFIER

Is your Basic Rate Interface just too basic? Do you want your Bearer channels to roar like an angry bear?
What you need is CaveBear's copyrighted ISDN INTENSIFIER!
This handy device splits your outgoing data stream. It puts all the ones bits onto one of your two B channels and all of the zero bits onto the other B channel. This lets the data compression unit in your ISDN box go into supercharged overdrive.

The CaveBear 10-BASE-T CYCLOTRON

Every day we here at CaveBear get letters saying "You may already be a winner". Oops, wrong letters. Let's start this over...
Every day we here at CaveBear get letters say "What can you do to help? We are running 10-Base-T..." Whoa! Hold on right there. Can we help? You bet your bippy we can!
Remember how the announcer on TV used to speak in hushed tones about the "atom smasher"? Well, CaveBear has acquired the exclusive rights to use that same technology to speed up your 10-Base-T local area network.
Just wrap a few turns of your unshielded twisted pair around the CaveBear 10-BASE-T CYCLOTRON. It will whirl your data around and around, increasing its speed to nearly the speed of light before sending it on its way down the wire to your hub.
The CaveBear 10-BASE-T CYCLOTRON works on any grade of wire from category 0 to category 5.

The CaveBear Firewall and Snoop Stopper

How much will you pay to keep your dirty little secrets secret? (Don't forget about that night last April in LA -- yes, we know about that.)
You should consider installing the CaveBear Firewall and Snoop Stopper. It will keep scum like us out of your computer. Guaranteed!
The CaveBear Firewall and Snoop Stopper is the perfect firewall. It will block all penetration attempts.
I hear you saying to yourself "Nah! Can't work!". Well, you are wrong (as usual)! It does work. In fact its the essence of simplicity and installation couldn't be easier:
Unpack the CaveBear Firewall and Snoop Stopper. Remove the ten pound (5 kilogram) block of soft clay from its protective wrapper. Cut your network access cable with a pair of wirecutters (available from CaveBear, part number 3.14159) and simply insert each of the cut ends into opposite sides of the clay block.

The CaveBear ARMOR PIERCING PACKET (The CAPP)

If you are like me, you find firewalls to be a nuisance and a bother -- So the CaveBear invented the CaveBear Armor Piercing Packet, aka the CAPP.
The CAPP is great for getting through those firewalls -- no muss, no fuss. Just aim it at that bothersome firewall and lunch. Like a hot knife through butter, it cuts through those barriers. And it leaves nothing but a little entry hole to mark its path.
Not that we want to let the cat out of the bag, but here's what our amazing CaveBear engineers do: we build a packet with all the ones bits in the front -- that gives it heft where it will do the most good -- and then to concentrate the force, we lay all the ones bits on edge -- so the thin, sharp end is pointing forward.
Because firewalls come in various thicknesses, the CaveBear Armor Piercing Packet comes in various sizes.
For maximum penetration, you want the 1500 byte model -- that's 6000 penetrating ones bits pushed by the weight of 6000 zero bits. For that extra penetrating punch, we use a #2 pencil to fill in the insides of the zero bits.
We used to carry a hollow-tip model of the Armor Piercing Packet which had a block of zero bits right behind the first 8 ones bits. However, in the interests of safety, we have withdrawn this dum-dum model.
WARNING: Use the Armor Piercing Packet carefully. Avoid excessive penetrating power as the packet may continue well past the firewall causing untold destruction on the other side.
Updated January 28, 1997