So I'm walking along and I pass the adult bookshop, and I've always wanted to have a GOOD look around and not just stare out of the corner of my eyes without moving my head on the way past, hoping to catch a glimpse of some- thing memorable. And there was no-one around...
So in I go.
I head to the "Hot Leather Rampant Chicks" section as if drawn to it. On the way I bump into Father Tim in the Religious section, fingering a copy of "Hot Sister Hosemonster" whilst sniffing the covers of "Papal Orgy II - The Homecumming" and "Whip me father for I have sinned"
I make a mental note to go to Father Tim next confession - not for the whipping part but because now I have BARGAINING POWER! I can almost see it....
... Fr Tim: Well, you have been a dirty little trooper, haven't you Simon? For your penance, say 75 Hail Marys and slam your hand in the vestry door 6 times. Me: Father, was that you I saw in "Sticky Mags and Inflato Lovers" last week?? Fr Tim: ..And yet, on second thoughts, I don't know if anything you have done is a sin any more since Vatican II... Me: Is that the one where the Pope takes Manhattan? Fr Tim: No that was the sequel, Vatican II II, with Linda Lovelace as Cardinal Cough-Cough Me: Oh. Well, I'll be off then, and, uh, say 75 Hail Marys and slam your hand in the vestry door 7 times father Fr Tim: OK. Bless you Simon. Me: And you father - Remember, you're not cheating yourself, you're cheating God... ..fade out..My smugness is almost overwhelming, I almost feel like going out on a sin binge to make it all that much sweeter.
Anyway, I'm looking around at all the glossy frontals and nothing really competes with my imagination for impressive visual effects and choice of partners, so I decide to leave. And then I realise the mistake I've made.
The cardinal offense, I've brought a shopping bag into the store! And not only that, but I've got my briefcase as well! As if that's not enough, I notice that there's a bus-stop outside and a whole horde of senior school girls pulls up!!!!
Everyone knows that the worst thing imaginable is to be caught coming out of an adult bookstore by teenage girls, and even worse than that is coming out of an adult bookstore with a package of any sort, and worse still, a briefcase! I may as well just pick up a bag of sweets and a raincoat from the "Dirty-Old-Man" section and complete the act.
So I'm stuffed. I can hide behind one of the stands and hope they go away before I'm due back at work - which doesn't seem likely because I was late before I stopped here... I could leave everything I have here, but then I'd have to come back and get it... I offer to sell the guy behind the counter my case and shopping, but he says he's got a whole cupboard of them but for $10 he'll let me out the back way....
I grab a pink thing from the counter and tell him to stick that in his back way because I've got a plan - it came to me like a flash! The old "Highly- Shocked-Moral-Crusader" plan. I puff my face up red, put on an angry expression and head towards the door. Out of the corner of my eye I see Father Tim, red in the face, and looking angry, heading towards the door too.
Father Tim's gaining on me so I grab some magazines to throw at him to slow him down, only the cellophane sticks to my fingers and I can't let it go, but that's ok, I can work that into my act, all I've got to do is get to the door before Father Tim....
"THIS" I start shouting as I head to the door "THIS IS THE SORT OF SMUT THAT HAS MADE OUR ONCE GREAT NATION.."
"..THE SORT OF PLACE THAT AN HONEST PARISH PRIEST ACCIDENTALLY ENTERS TO BE CONFRONTED BY FILTH OF ALL MANNER..." I hear Father Tim shouting, but it's too late because I've got to the door first and he's dead meat in the eyes of the girls...
...as I trip on the doorway edging and face-plant into the pavement.
I awake to Father Tim ranting "...SCUM LIKE THIS " >gesture< >gesture< "SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO LIVE!"
He points to my briefcase and says "And we need not ask what this contains, TOOLS OF DEPRAVITY!!!"
That may be, but I didn't buy them there, the case contains quality equipment, imported from Sweden!
The school girls are giggling to themselves, but I can handle it - I remember my mothers old adage - "if you can't stand the heat, don't bath yourself in petrol and stand next to the kerosene heater"
Taking my time, I stand.
It's a gamble, but I take it. "Yes, it's true young ladies - I am a hideous and deformed creature of lust. (Here's my home address - I'll take you all the way to the movies and back) But it was THIS MAN who got me started, with his *filthy* promises of lustful evenings at the "Rusty Chain" drinking Margarita's and telling the Green Golf Ball Joke...."
I rabbit on like this for a while till the cops come and take me away for shoplifting.